at wit's end with conspiracy-obsessed elderly parents

[Anonymous]

My parents, who are in their 70s, spend a lot of time reading ultra-right wing news. They've always been into this stuff, especially my father, but with the internet on hand, it's become worse. I don't enjoy speaking with them because they see the future with doom and gloom. When we talk on the phone or visit, they turn their attention to their grandchildren but other than that, they're all about right-wing news. I get it, people have their political beliefs but this is just unhealthy. If I weren't related to them, I'd run as far as I could the other way. Life is too short for this crap.

I have friends with elderly parents who are nothing like this, who look forward to seeing their parents because they are somewhat normal people with healthy hobbies and interests. Most of them can't grasp the idea that someone just doesn't like their parents as people and doesn't look forward to seeing them. I'm at the point where I just have to cut my conversations short with them because I have no desire to indulge them. It's out of bounds. Even if I ask them to stop and find something else to focus on, they just scream, "leftist liberal" or something else along those lines.

I want to have a good relationship with them for the sake of my kids because they're not bad people-- they're just old and bored and not sure what to do with themselves. I'd wish they'd move out of their house and actually retire somewhere beautiful and interesting-- they certainly have the money to do so. I think they may have chased away other friends who just don't have the time and energy for this nonsense. I can't blame them. This is all just unpleasant and at worst, toxic. I can imagine it will only get worse over the year as they hit their 80s. Again, for me, it's become a sad point of discussion, especially when I hear friends talk about their normal parents who seem to be doing ok in their retirements and don't behave this way. Is it just a sign of dementia? I don't know how to look forward to their visits with happiness anymore.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and they inundate my email box with a lot of this stuff. Most of it is written by my father and looks and reads like spam, i.e. boldfaced subject headings screaming his own made-up headlines, disjointed ramblings about communists, stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

I know OP. I seem to have gotten my parents to stop. When they say anything political (and frankly, crazy), I no longer try to reason with them. I just smile and go back to my book, or the TV, or my phone... taking up playing an instrument has helped too. Nobody can argue with playing O Susana on the ukulele. Crossword puzzles. Board games. I simply REFUSE to engage. They have mostly given up trying to goad me. My young teens are also under strict orders not to engage. One parent may be dying soon and I am not going to have our final years together marred by this insanity. I barely recognize the people I grew up with. Started during the Obama years. They just FREAKED OUT and still haven't gotten over it.

Ask me to tell you about how Scalia was a hit job sometime! Like an old, overweight guy never has a heart attack in his sleep. That theory died down when Obama gave up on the SCOTUS pick however....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know OP. I seem to have gotten my parents to stop. When they say anything political (and frankly, crazy), I no longer try to reason with them. I just smile and go back to my book, or the TV, or my phone... taking up playing an instrument has helped too. Nobody can argue with playing O Susana on the ukulele. Crossword puzzles. Board games. I simply REFUSE to engage. They have mostly given up trying to goad me. My young teens are also under strict orders not to engage. One parent may be dying soon and I am not going to have our final years together marred by this insanity. I barely recognize the people I grew up with. Started during the Obama years. They just FREAKED OUT and still haven't gotten over it.

Ask me to tell you about how Scalia was a hit job sometime! Like an old, overweight guy never has a heart attack in his sleep. That theory died down when Obama gave up on the SCOTUS pick however....

NP. Omg my mother floated the same Scalia theory!!!

[Anonymous]

If I understand it correctly, on the phone and in person they are perfectly happy focusing on your kids. The only issue is that you get emails you don't like. Click delete. To quote you: why do you focus on the negative?

[Anonymous]

OMG. This is *exactly* my family OP. Are we related? My parents have always had some low level mental health issues but it's skyrocketed in their old age. They too subscribe to all these "news" sources that are ridiculous and I feel bad for them because all it does is increase their paranoia and sense the world isn't safe. They used to send me that stuff but they stopped thankfully. I ignore it like PP says but it does make it hard to have genuine interactions because on some level I feel like they've gone over the edge. They're way more openly racist than they ever have been (although it was always under the surface) and I do worry about them saying things to my kids or my kids overhearing them complain about how the person at the drive through couldn't even speak English. Ugh. I cringe to even type it. It's sad and I wish I had those parents you describe who are normal people with normal interests and like to do fun things. Mine seem to spend all day inside getting more and more worked up from information on random internet sites. If you find a solution OP, let me know. Until then, I'm right there with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I understand it correctly, on the phone and in person they are perfectly happy focusing on your kids. The only issue is that you get emails you don't like. Click delete. To quote you: why do you focus on the negative?

OP here. They will ask about the kids on the phone and in person but if we're not talking about the kids they turn to conspiracy theories. My kids are getting older and the older one is starting to notice my father is strange. I don't think he likes being around him.

The emails aren't the only issue. This is who they have become. The emails are a sign of how they spend their time. They are in their 70s. Sitting in front of a computer looking up wacky information and passing it around to your relatives and friends (yes, I know they send it to their friends) is not a positive thing. Not cool. My high school-educated grandparents did not behave this way. They were very simple people who read lots of books and watched baseball.

I try not to focus on the negative too much but this is who they have become. I don't like spending time with unpleasant people. Who does? I try to be polite and listen and divert but then get attacked with "you are a communist" or "you were brainwashed at college, see???"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. This is *exactly* my family OP. Are we related? My parents have always had some low level mental health issues but it's skyrocketed in their old age. They too subscribe to all these "news" sources that are ridiculous and I feel bad for them because all it does is increase their paranoia and sense the world isn't safe. They used to send me that stuff but they stopped thankfully. I ignore it like PP says but it does make it hard to have genuine interactions because on some level I feel like they've gone over the edge. They're way more openly racist than they ever have been (although it was always under the surface) and I do worry about them saying things to my kids or my kids overhearing them complain about how the person at the drive through couldn't even speak English. Ugh. I cringe to even type it. It's sad and I wish I had those parents you describe who are normal people with normal interests and like to do fun things. Mine seem to spend all day inside getting more and more worked up from information on random internet sites. If you find a solution OP, let me know. Until then, I'm right there with you.

OP here. Yes, and the racism is starting to bubble to the surface. It's always been there. They can't talk about anyone without throwing in something about the person's race. It's as if every color except white has to be described. They throw out some of these comments in front of my husband (assuming that just because he's married to me and "family" in their eyes it's ok to let your underwear hang out) and it's embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I understand it correctly, on the phone and in person they are perfectly happy focusing on your kids. The only issue is that you get emails you don't like. Click delete. To quote you: why do you focus on the negative?

New PP, but as the OP stated... they try to talk about the insane right wing theories in person ALL the time. Have to warn others and kids never to bring up any political topics ever. The only thing that helps is to not engage and distract. I like the idea of taking up an instrument. I was ok not feeling like I could ever talk to my parents about any of my political leanings, but having to listen to the paranoid theories and just ignore or distract is getting harder and harder.

At least we are not alone, so many of my friends are in the same boat. It's non stop right wing paranoia news and political talk nonstop, in our cases, fed by FOX news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. This is *exactly* my family OP. Are we related? My parents have always had some low level mental health issues but it's skyrocketed in their old age. They too subscribe to all these "news" sources that are ridiculous and I feel bad for them because all it does is increase their paranoia and sense the world isn't safe. They used to send me that stuff but they stopped thankfully. I ignore it like PP says but it does make it hard to have genuine interactions because on some level I feel like they've gone over the edge. They're way more openly racist than they ever have been (although it was always under the surface) and I do worry about them saying things to my kids or my kids overhearing them complain about how the person at the drive through couldn't even speak English. Ugh. I cringe to even type it. It's sad and I wish I had those parents you describe who are normal people with normal interests and like to do fun things. Mine seem to spend all day inside getting more and more worked up from information on random internet sites. If you find a solution OP, let me know. Until then, I'm right there with you.

OP here. Yes, and the racism is starting to bubble to the surface. It's always been there. They can't talk about anyone without throwing in something about the person's race. It's as if every color except white has to be described. They throw out some of these comments in front of my husband (assuming that just because he's married to me and "family" in their eyes it's ok to let your underwear hang out) and it's embarrassing.

Omg, yes that drives me crazy. My parents don't do that, thank goodness, but I've run into that with a lot of my elderly patients at work. One even referred to our attending physician as "you know, the colored lady"

[Anonymous]

I'd be equally annoyed and concerned, OP. I'd try to let them know that the world is as dark as your lens and that reading the conspiracy theories is detrimental to their health, but they are going to do what they want.

I think as they age, some people lose their discretion, and part of that is not questioning things... but the irony is that they THINK they are questioning things... so as they read these conspiracy blogs, they take it all in as truth and there is no one to question/fact check/debunk their reading selections so they think that is the actual world.

Though you could be the one to just hit reply with factual links, it does take energy and you just may not be invested enough to bother. I have a couple alarmist (but they think they are critical thinkers) friends/coworkers I do with with- I'm surprised they don't just automatically check things out on snopes, but I just send a link and they say thanks and move on to the next piece of nuttiness. It is chronic management and does not get better.

That racism crap though... I wouldn't leave them alone with my kids if that's the case.

[Anonymous]

Ask them about Uranium One.

[Anonymous]

Many elderly people have infuriating idiosyncrasies, OP. My mother is incredibly annoying, but not quite in that way.

Usually it's better to stay in contact and help them through the last years of their lives, than cut them off and wish you hadn't when they die without you.

And, most importantly, we should all figure out how not to become like this when we get old!

[Anonymous]

I mentioned PizzaGate to my mother at the restaurant table. My brother, who was sitting there, immediately texted me “PizzaGate, really?! We haven’t even made it to the main course yet!!”

I try to argue things like separations of powers, current laws, etc. with her. It is maddening, but keeps her from spending the same amount of energy bad-mouthing my siblings.

[Anonymous]

OMG could have written this myself OP. I feel like we are living in alternative universes from our parents/right-wing relatives who seem to have lost all critical thinking abilities.

Honestly, I chalk it up to brainwashing by Rush and Fox. My dad has a very liberal heart but is in the midwest and everyone there, especially at his church, only watch/listen to Fox after years of listening to Rush on the radio. That is the only thing I can pin it on as it's just gotten worse every year for the past 15.