What steps can be taken to prevent future problems in a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been happily married 13 years, two kids. Obviously we have our differences at times but I’ve never wanted to divorce him, nor him me (that I know of.)

I feel that our marriage is strong and in a good place, but you still hear stories of people who were basically blindsided by their spouse leaving.

Are there things that can be done to maintain strength in a long term marriage?

For example, I would think regular sex and time alone as a couple help with this. Obviously continued mutual respect always helps. But for couples that already do these things, are there other things that could be done? What makes a person walk away from an intact happy family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been happily married 13 years, two kids. Obviously we have our differences at times but I’ve never wanted to divorce him, nor him me (that I know of.)

I feel that our marriage is strong and in a good place, but you still hear stories of people who were basically blindsided by their spouse leaving.

Are there things that can be done to maintain strength in a long term marriage?

For example, I would think regular sex and time alone as a couple help with this. Obviously continued mutual respect always helps. But for couples that already do these things, are there other things that could be done? What makes a person walk away from an intact happy family?

Hmm, people do not walk away from an "intact happy marriage." For long-term relationships, the ability to grow with a partner is essential. Starting the relationship off with honesty is key. If you know that you want to be a SAHM mom, be upfront about it and discuss it. If your SO expresses displeasure with the idea, do not expect that they will change. If your SO has a high libido and sex/intimacy is important, believe that it will stay that way.

And realize that people do change and it is OK. Do not expect other people to fulfill essential roles in your marriage, that is YOUR job. If you cannot perform those functions anymore, budget for it in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I hate marriage counseling, but I think that it might be helpful every once in awhile just to flush out any complaints and learn how to communicate better.

Communication about everything is key. Even if all of a sudden you develop feelings about someone else go talk to your partner about it before something happens. That's your best friend.

[Anonymous]

Never fight over small stuff. Don't nag. Save money so money doesn't become a problem. Respect each other. Divide up responsibilities. Do fun things together and as a family. Stay fit and attractive to each other. Frequent sex and an adventurous attitude are both pluses.

[Anonymous]

What is intact happy marriage? I only know one couple where she was blindsided, at the same time her husband stopped flying home from the 6 months long project (the company was paying, no extra expenses) and she couldn't fly to him in her third trimester. He had an AP.

[Anonymous]

Don't borrow trouble.

[Anonymous]

I think continuing to have fun together is big. It's what I miss most since having two little kids. I'm hoping to do more of that again as our kids get older.

Easy forgiveness, both people pulling their weight, appreciating what the other does, open and honest communication (even if it's not what you want to hear) are all important.

[Anonymous]

2 words: oral sex

That and every criticism you want to make, hold off 24 hours, just bite your tongue. If it's still a big deal, go ahead. If you can let it go, do so. Every couple months, do something nice, something you know he/she will like, as a surprise just to make them happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never fight over small stuff. Don't nag. Save money so money doesn't become a problem. Respect each other. Divide up responsibilities. Do fun things together and as a family. Stay fit and attractive to each other. Frequent sex and an adventurous attitude are both pluses.

This is so true. Accept and learn to live with your differences. In a marriage there are only a few things ever worth fighting over - the safety of your children, fidelity, and maybe who controls the remote. I'm very detail oriented and a planner and while my DH may not like what I plan, since he won't plan it he will just roll with it because it's just not a big deal. I know what he really cares about so I make sure to consider that in my planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never fight over small stuff. Don't nag. Save money so money doesn't become a problem. Respect each other. Divide up responsibilities. Do fun things together and as a family. Stay fit and attractive to each other. Frequent sex and an adventurous attitude are both pluses.

This is great.

I also agree with the wait 24 hours thing. If you feel a temper flaring up, just walk away. It will be much better for the both of you in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Eli Finkel is a relationship scientist and tested a very successful relationship hack. Watch his Tedx talk. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8fe0IkGnUk

[Anonymous]

One word: communication.

[Anonymous]

The secret is to remain a loving couple when you've had kids.
Don't be just "mom" and "dad".
Find the time to go out as a couple regularly and do weekend getaways just the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One word: communication.

One other word: sex

[Anonymous]

Keep dating each other, don't take each other for granted.