Transition issues when you move, but not THAT far away

[Anonymous]

Moved tween girls 45 minutes from previous home within the DMV area. It has been > 6 months.

They are making new friends, but still see (and feel very emotionally connected to) the old ones. The sense of strong emotional connection varies on the other side. It is not always equal (this goes both ways). The old friends who are the most interested in maintaining friendship are not always the ones I’d have hoped for (one in particular was a mediocre influence and has poor sense of boundaries. She is one to give personalized artwork as a gift and FaceTimes with DD.) Some friendships I’m happy to see continue.

New friendships are with nice girls, but the strong sense of connection isn’t there yet.

How and at what pace do I help girls transition here more fully? I do host play dates. I’m tired of doing so much back and forth driving to the old neighborhood.

Any tips are welcome. I have networked with moms at the new school already, and I’ve managed to get each girl one week of day camp this summer with a new friend.

[Anonymous]

We are in the same boat. It's been a year and I am still taking my kids back to our old community frequently. They have not made strong connections in our new one. Feel we made a big mistake although we did have good reason for the move.

[Anonymous]

You don't like the friend because she gives personalized artwork as gifts? Did I misunderstand your post.

[Anonymous]

It's not as difficult for the kids in the old neighborhood because their world hasn't changed. Have you thought of inviting a group of the new kids for a Saturday movie and lunch?

[Anonymous]

We are in a similar situation. It's been hard to see that some of the closest friends have no interest in staying in touch, even though they were all very upset about DD moving, said many times that they would stay close. Instead, it's like we moved to another country instead of 30 min drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't like the friend because she gives personalized artwork as gifts? Did I misunderstand your post.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. I'm not crazy about friend. She's been prone to drama for years. Gossips a lot about mutual friends. Has poor sense of boundaries at my house, and in general.

And then separately, she's one of the girls who has taken steps to maintain contact with my daughter. The personalized artwork is sweet, but it sort of creates this dramatic bond "I miss you so deeply and we will be friends forever, so hang this framed and decorated photo of us on your wall."

The overall all effect is that a friendship I'd hoped would slip away is becoming deeper, while DD isn't setting down enough roots in the new community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in a similar situation. It's been hard to see that some of the closest friends have no interest in staying in touch, even though they were all very upset about DD moving, said many times that they would stay close. Instead, it's like we moved to another country instead of 30 min drive.

Yes, one mom even made a big deal to us about supporting the friendship, but I feel like the family has ghosted us. DD remembered the very close friend's birthday and sent her an email. I was a bit sad, because I'm sure the girl had a b-day party and DD wasn't invited. We're also a 30 minute drive.

ITA with you and PP that it is less of a big deal to the girls who stayed behind (understandably). Other DD goes back as part of an activity, and I can tell she hopes girls are excited to see her, and is let down when they are just pleased. Her "BFF" will smile at her, then go back to her convo with another girl. I understand that friendships reshuffle whether you move or not, but it's hard when you don't have close friends in the new town yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in the same boat. It's been a year and I am still taking my kids back to our old community frequently. They have not made strong connections in our new one. Feel we made a big mistake although we did have good reason for the move.

That's how I've felt lately. The move was very good for DH and I. Kids don't see it yet. Honestly, the whole thing makes me feel emotionally drained.

I like a PP's suggestion to host a group of new friends. I've hosted a bunch of play dates (actually more for the younger one than the older one), but maybe I need to "lean in" and do a bit more.

DH and I have talked about needing to prioritize events and social opportunities here, even if there is a "bigger" opportunity in the old neighborhood. We will fulfill on the current commitments, but then we need to restructure our time. Oddly, some kids and some adults from the old community seem to want to be friends with us more now than they did when we lived there.

[Anonymous]

Just realized I've said we moved 30 minutes away AND 45 minutes away. Depends on traffic/time of day. Frankly, it has been 25-90 minutes. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

NP here. We didn't even move, just switched schools, and the old friends have disappeared. Sad for DC, who really thought they would still be friends and still tries to reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't like the friend because she gives personalized artwork as gifts? Did I misunderstand your post.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. I'm not crazy about friend. She's been prone to drama for years. Gossips a lot about mutual friends. Has poor sense of boundaries at my house, and in general.

And then separately, she's one of the girls who has taken steps to maintain contact with my daughter. The personalized artwork is sweet, but it sort of creates this dramatic bond "I miss you so deeply and we will be friends forever, so hang this framed and decorated photo of us on your wall."

The overall all effect is that a friendship I'd hoped would slip away is becoming deeper, while DD isn't setting down enough roots in the new community.

Today with social media many kids and adults see staying "in touch" as being connected on social media.

your family needs to move on.

For the first year, you need to focus solely on building up new friends and community in your new area. Social media contact, some texts or sporadic emails with friends back in the old neighborhood are fine but transition social activities and actual extra curriculars to the new area when possible as soon as possible. Encourage your kids to reach out to a friend they have made in the knew area and make plans. Help them do this if necessary. It's ok if your kids have a few sad days or weekends with "nothing to do". On those weekends, just get out and explore your new area so that it begins to feel routine.

In terms of the artwork, help your DD "evaluate" the artwork for what it might be. Is the friend prone to dramatics? Can your DD think of times her friend acted like that? Does just a cute photo with a sappy saying make someone a good friend or is it their actual real actions? etc...

Lots of friendships - kid and adults - are situation dependent. Once the situation ends, so do the intense friendship. It doesn't mean these people don't like you or have good memories or will not be happy to catch up in the future.