I’m at my breaking point

[Anonymous]

I am really struggling with my son. He’s always been a handful and we have done everything. He’s 14 and I just can’t imagine 4 plus more years like this. Every day I dread our interactions, his volatility, etc. my husband is never home due to an intense job and when here has no energy to deal with it. I’m on my own. My other child is nothing like this. Please do not tell me it’s parenting. I’m doing my best, I read a ton, get professional advice etc. I just don’t know how more I can take. He’s in a private school , a good one, but getting mostly Cs , he’s not putting the effort in, but I am so tired of battling. I’m afraid if we pull him, he will go off the rails. He likes his school. He also has medicine he needs daily that when he’s “amped up” he refuses. It’s pretty much a must do or he could get very sick or even die. I’m a wreck.

[Anonymous]

You need your spouse. You need to tell him exactly what you have told us and you both need to have a discussion with your son. He doesn’t have the choice or the luxury not to have the energy for it! He has his head in the sand by choice because it’s easier. It’s not fair for you to handle this alone and it sounds like your son is capitalizing on the fact that he can see you’re weak. Unless you present a united front, you cannot win.

That said, “a handful” and “tried everything” aren’t concrete enough for me to offer suggestions. What are some typical struggles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really struggling with my son. He’s always been a handful and we have done everything. He’s 14 and I just can’t imagine 4 plus more years like this. Every day I dread our interactions, his volatility, etc. my husband is never home due to an intense job and when here has no energy to deal with it. I’m on my own. My other child is nothing like this. Please do not tell me it’s parenting. I’m doing my best, I read a ton, get professional advice etc. I just don’t know how more I can take. He’s in a private school , a good one, but getting mostly Cs , he’s not putting the effort in, but I am so tired of battling. I’m afraid if we pull him, he will go off the rails. He likes his school. He also has medicine he needs daily that when he’s “amped up” he refuses. It’s pretty much a must do or he could get very sick or even die. I’m a wreck.

Why would you pull him from a school he likes?

Grades aren't the core problem. Behavior is. Find a counselor/therapist to work on the medication issue. He may also need an antidepressant.

[Anonymous]

You don't have a gun in the house, do you?

[Anonymous]

Spouse needs to come in the picture. When my kids attended private school I often thought many kids would benefit from public. Kids I saw carried a lot of resentments and felt a burden. Some become entitled brats but not by choice, after awhile that's how they cope. I would show him love and the REAL world and empower your kid that he can cut it. He needs true self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Would it help if the doctor talked to him about his medication and the consequences it could have? You might want to cook up a plan with the doc.

Also, yes, your do-nothing husband has to step up.

Does this kid have ADHD? Perhaps he need to be evaluated for that. Medication for ADHD usually works wonders.

[Anonymous]

Your spouse's lack of parenting is likely part of the issue. Your DS notices and probably thinks his dad doesn't like him. Probably some of the situation is attention getting behavior.
And your probably have a cycle - your DS has horrible behavior, your DH. Doesn't want to deal so he ignores and stays away, DS feels bad so acts out, and so on.

It's not something only you can fix.

Maybe suggest family counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have a gun in the house, do you?

Oh please

[Anonymous]

Is he diabetic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he diabetic?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really struggling with my son. He’s always been a handful and we have done everything. He’s 14 and I just can’t imagine 4 plus more years like this. Every day I dread our interactions, his volatility, etc. my husband is never home due to an intense job and when here has no energy to deal with it. I’m on my own. My other child is nothing like this. Please do not tell me it’s parenting. I’m doing my best, I read a ton, get professional advice etc. I just don’t know how more I can take. He’s in a private school , a good one, but getting mostly Cs , he’s not putting the effort in, but I am so tired of battling. I’m afraid if we pull him, he will go off the rails. He likes his school. He also has medicine he needs daily that when he’s “amped up” he refuses. It’s pretty much a must do or he could get very sick or even die. I’m a wreck.

Does he have ADHD? He sounds like my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have a gun in the house, do you?

No and I thank you for thinking of that. I do worry he could impulsively hurt himself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am really struggling with my son. He’s always been a handful and we have done everything. He’s 14 and I just can’t imagine 4 plus more years like this. Every day I dread our interactions, his volatility, etc. my husband is never home due to an intense job and when here has no energy to deal with it. I’m on my own. My other child is nothing like this. Please do not tell me it’s parenting. I’m doing my best, I read a ton, get professional advice etc. I just don’t know how more I can take. He’s in a private school , a good one, but getting mostly Cs , he’s not putting the effort in, but I am so tired of battling. I’m afraid if we pull him, he will go off the rails. He likes his school. He also has medicine he needs daily that when he’s “amped up” he refuses. It’s pretty much a must do or he could get very sick or even die. I’m a wreck.

Does he have ADHD? He sounds like my son.

Yes but refuses medication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he diabetic?

Yes

Can you get him on a pump? Gives teens so much more control and feelings of normalcy.

have you sat down with him and asked him what isn't working from his end. Can you say you don't like the fact that you are always bumping heads. What is going on in his head? He likely also doesn't like being so reactive all the time. Wdoes he wish was different about his life? What ideas does he have about what what would improve things at home / school? Put the ball in his court. Where can you give him more control, independence, responsibility? In what places can you let him fail and see the consequences? It sounds like right now the dynamic has become one where you are micromanaging his life (in an effort to keep it going off the rails) but it is backfiring because he pushes back more against the micromanagement.

You can't directly change his actions / reactions but sometimes you can indirectly change them by changing your own. Throw him off pace a little by doing things differently - do the opposite of what he expects you to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he diabetic?

Yes

Can you get him on a pump? Gives teens so much more control and feelings of normalcy.

have you sat down with him and asked him what isn't working from his end. Can you say you don't like the fact that you are always bumping heads. What is going on in his head? He likely also doesn't like being so reactive all the time. Wdoes he wish was different about his life? What ideas does he have about what what would improve things at home / school? Put the ball in his court. Where can you give him more control, independence, responsibility? In what places can you let him fail and see the consequences? It sounds like right now the dynamic has become one where you are micromanaging his life (in an effort to keep it going off the rails) but it is backfiring because he pushes back more against the micromanagement.

You can't directly change his actions / reactions but sometimes you can indirectly change them by changing your own. Throw him off pace a little by doing things differently - do the opposite of what he expects you to do.

He absolutely refuses the pump doesn’t want to wear something on his body. He’d still have to test And dose even with pump.