MIL jealous of her sisters relationship with her own grandkids.

[Anonymous]

My MILs sister lives two streets over from her grandchildren. She sees them whenever the mood strikes (or whenever it works with their parents, I suppose.) They do dinners during the week, she picks them up from school for ice cream and takes them home afterwards, takes them to the park, swings by to grab them for a bike ride, etc.

My MIL lives about an hour (more during the week) away from us, so none of this is poossible. We see her about twice a month, on average. But she’s always comparing her situation to her sisters; “Ellen gets to see her grandkids whenever she wants. I only see mine twice a month. I wish I could see the kids more. I wish I could just drop by for ice cream.”

In the past, we’ve invited her to come fetch the kids after school for ice cream. It’s just so far, she’s either late or hits bad traffic or just complains about the drive in general. “This is far for just ice cream.” It seems we can’t win. But no matter what we do, she’s still jealous of her sister, and projects it on us.

How do we handle this, once and for all?

[Anonymous]

Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

[Anonymous]

It's not your responsiblity to "fix" her relationship with her sister, or to satisfy her every whim.

Ignore.

"We're so glad that we get to see you often, and that the kids have so much fun with you."

Just don't engage. Just because she invites you to a pity party doesn't mean you have to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

OP here: And what drives me nuts is that MIL sister will ASK, we know for a fact, she will call her kids and say, can I grab the grandkids today and take them to the park?

My MIL, on the other hand, is so afraid she will be told no, that she never asks! She 100% waits for us to plan everything, and then complains that we never invite her to see the kids. We’ve told her a million times, if you want to see them one day, just ASK! Worst we can say is we have plans. She all out refuses and waits for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

OP here: And what drives me nuts is that MIL sister will ASK, we know for a fact, she will call her kids and say, can I grab the grandkids today and take them to the park?

My MIL, on the other hand, is so afraid she will be told no, that she never asks! She 100% waits for us to plan everything, and then complains that we never invite her to see the kids. We’ve told her a million times, if you want to see them one day, just ASK! Worst we can say is we have plans. She all out refuses and waits for us.

NP. This doesn't need to drive you nuts. You're letting it. Stop wasting mental space and emotional energy on this.

You make efforts to include her and to see her. You facilitate Grandma time. If she doesn't appreciate it more, that's too bad, but it is what it is. You aren't in charge of her feelings. You can't make her be logical or rational.

Stop engaging with her on this. Drop the rope. You are not in control of what she says or does or whines about. If she yaps at you too much, tell her to talk to her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

OP here: And what drives me nuts is that MIL sister will ASK, we know for a fact, she will call her kids and say, can I grab the grandkids today and take them to the park?

My MIL, on the other hand, is so afraid she will be told no, that she never asks! She 100% waits for us to plan everything, and then complains that we never invite her to see the kids. We’ve told her a million times, if you want to see them one day, just ASK! Worst we can say is we have plans. She all out refuses and waits for us.

Well, if you want her to stop complaining, you could initiate some invites. That is the part you control and it might solve the problem of her whining. If you choose not to do this, then your only other options are to come out and tell her directly to stop bringing this up OR to ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

OP here: And what drives me nuts is that MIL sister will ASK, we know for a fact, she will call her kids and say, can I grab the grandkids today and take them to the park?

My MIL, on the other hand, is so afraid she will be told no, that she never asks! She 100% waits for us to plan everything, and then complains that we never invite her to see the kids. We’ve told her a million times, if you want to see them one day, just ASK! Worst we can say is we have plans. She all out refuses and waits for us.

Well, if you want her to stop complaining, you could initiate some invites. That is the part you control and it might solve the problem of her whining. If you choose not to do this, then your only other options are to come out and tell her directly to stop bringing this up OR to ignore.

We do, we extend ALL visits, as I said. We don’t initiate weekday visits anymore because they always end in her complaining about the drive/traffic/distance, as I also said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

OP here: And what drives me nuts is that MIL sister will ASK, we know for a fact, she will call her kids and say, can I grab the grandkids today and take them to the park?

My MIL, on the other hand, is so afraid she will be told no, that she never asks! She 100% waits for us to plan everything, and then complains that we never invite her to see the kids. We’ve told her a million times, if you want to see them one day, just ASK! Worst we can say is we have plans. She all out refuses and waits for us.

Well, if you want her to stop complaining, you could initiate some invites. That is the part you control and it might solve the problem of her whining. If you choose not to do this, then your only other options are to come out and tell her directly to stop bringing this up OR to ignore.

We do, we extend ALL visits, as I said. We don’t initiate weekday visits anymore because they always end in her complaining about the drive/traffic/distance, as I also said.

OK, cool. You are responsible for your actions and decisions--now comes the time to let go of her feelings about all of it. Because you aren't in control of those.

OP, it's becoming clear that your biggest issue here is that you want to control MIL's behavior. All you can do is manage the way you respond to her.

You seem like you need a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

OP here: And what drives me nuts is that MIL sister will ASK, we know for a fact, she will call her kids and say, can I grab the grandkids today and take them to the park?

My MIL, on the other hand, is so afraid she will be told no, that she never asks! She 100% waits for us to plan everything, and then complains that we never invite her to see the kids. We’ve told her a million times, if you want to see them one day, just ASK! Worst we can say is we have plans. She all out refuses and waits for us.

Well, if you want her to stop complaining, you could initiate some invites. That is the part you control and it might solve the problem of her whining. If you choose not to do this, then your only other options are to come out and tell her directly to stop bringing this up OR to ignore.

We do, we extend ALL visits, as I said. We don’t initiate weekday visits anymore because they always end in her complaining about the drive/traffic/distance, as I also said.

Haven’t you posted about this before in the past few months, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

OP here: And what drives me nuts is that MIL sister will ASK, we know for a fact, she will call her kids and say, can I grab the grandkids today and take them to the park?

My MIL, on the other hand, is so afraid she will be told no, that she never asks! She 100% waits for us to plan everything, and then complains that we never invite her to see the kids. We’ve told her a million times, if you want to see them one day, just ASK! Worst we can say is we have plans. She all out refuses and waits for us.

Well, if you want her to stop complaining, you could initiate some invites. That is the part you control and it might solve the problem of her whining. If you choose not to do this, then your only other options are to come out and tell her directly to stop bringing this up OR to ignore.

We do, we extend ALL visits, as I said. We don’t initiate weekday visits anymore because they always end in her complaining about the drive/traffic/distance, as I also said.

OK, cool. You are responsible for your actions and decisions--now comes the time to let go of her feelings about all of it. Because you aren't in control of those.

OP, it's becoming clear that your biggest issue here is that you want to control MIL's behavior. All you can do is manage the way you respond to her.

You seem like you need a hobby.

Ha! I don’t need a hobby as much as I need my MIL to stop whining to us each time Ellen takes her grandkids to the park on a whim, or pops in to have dinner on a random Tuesday.

I understand I can’t control her, but I wish she would stop complaining. I’ve since starting telling her to talk to her son, and that helps. But she always finds a way to sneak it into every conversation. I don’t know what to tell her. I can’t change where she chooses to live. I can’t change that her sister lives around the corner from her grandkids.

[Anonymous]

“Madge, you really want to spend more time with your grandkids. You’re jealous that your sister spends more time with her own grandkids. And you don’t like driving here in the middle of the week. Did I miss anything?”

“So clearly I’ve heard you. Please stop bringing it up again without a specific request. Thank you. I got to get the clothes out of the drier.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

OP here: And what drives me nuts is that MIL sister will ASK, we know for a fact, she will call her kids and say, can I grab the grandkids today and take them to the park?

My MIL, on the other hand, is so afraid she will be told no, that she never asks! She 100% waits for us to plan everything, and then complains that we never invite her to see the kids. We’ve told her a million times, if you want to see them one day, just ASK! Worst we can say is we have plans. She all out refuses and waits for us.

Well, if you want her to stop complaining, you could initiate some invites. That is the part you control and it might solve the problem of her whining. If you choose not to do this, then your only other options are to come out and tell her directly to stop bringing this up OR to ignore.

We do, we extend ALL visits, as I said. We don’t initiate weekday visits anymore because they always end in her complaining about the drive/traffic/distance, as I also said.

OK, cool. You are responsible for your actions and decisions--now comes the time to let go of her feelings about all of it. Because you aren't in control of those.

OP, it's becoming clear that your biggest issue here is that you want to control MIL's behavior. All you can do is manage the way you respond to her.

You seem like you need a hobby.

Ha! I don’t need a hobby as much as I need my MIL to stop whining to us each time Ellen takes her grandkids to the park on a whim, or pops in to have dinner on a random Tuesday.

I understand I can’t control her, but I wish she would stop complaining. I’ve since starting telling her to talk to her son, and that helps. But she always finds a way to sneak it into every conversation. I don’t know what to tell her. I can’t change where she chooses to live. I can’t change that her sister lives around the corner from her grandkids.

Well, wish away. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

OP here: And what drives me nuts is that MIL sister will ASK, we know for a fact, she will call her kids and say, can I grab the grandkids today and take them to the park?

My MIL, on the other hand, is so afraid she will be told no, that she never asks! She 100% waits for us to plan everything, and then complains that we never invite her to see the kids. We’ve told her a million times, if you want to see them one day, just ASK! Worst we can say is we have plans. She all out refuses and waits for us.

Well, if you want her to stop complaining, you could initiate some invites. That is the part you control and it might solve the problem of her whining. If you choose not to do this, then your only other options are to come out and tell her directly to stop bringing this up OR to ignore.

We do, we extend ALL visits, as I said. We don’t initiate weekday visits anymore because they always end in her complaining about the drive/traffic/distance, as I also said.

Haven’t you posted about this before in the past few months, OP?

This is OP. No, I don’t believe I have!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. She’s not willing to do the work to have the relationship her sister has with her grandkids.

+1