How to not care (smth like 180) with young kids

[Anonymous]

My DH has become increasingly disrespectful and not caring about me over the last few years and lately has even been emotionally abusive. I've been reading about 'how to stop caring' on DCUM and the 180 and I've decided to stop caring. However, I don't know how to stop caring when it comes to our respective roles parenting our three year old DD and in particular, on the weekends. He has never taken ownership for being her father meaning I am the default parent. On a typical weekend, DH will spend a couple hours' quality time with DD, some family time with both of us, and a half or whole day at the office. Going to work is unnecessary and his way of getting his "me time" and space from us. Should I not care about this? And even if I did stop caring that he wants to spend so much time away from us, he never gives me any notice so I can't even plan for it. For instance, maybe I would take DD to the museum, but now it's too late, or I would ask her babysitter to watch her a few hours so I can do something fun on my own (since I work PT, I spend lots of time with DD during the week). I always ask him how his weekend is looking work-wise and he NEVER gives me a straight answer because he wants to keep his options open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has become increasingly disrespectful and not caring about me over the last few years and lately has even been emotionally abusive. I've been reading about 'how to stop caring' on DCUM and the 180 and I've decided to stop caring. However, I don't know how to stop caring when it comes to our respective roles parenting our three year old DD and in particular, on the weekends. He has never taken ownership for being her father meaning I am the default parent. On a typical weekend, DH will spend a couple hours' quality time with DD, some family time with both of us, and a half or whole day at the office. Going to work is unnecessary and his way of getting his "me time" and space from us. Should I not care about this? And even if I did stop caring that he wants to spend so much time away from us, he never gives me any notice so I can't even plan for it. For instance, maybe I would take DD to the museum, but now it's too late, or I would ask her babysitter to watch her a few hours so I can do something fun on my own (since I work PT, I spend lots of time with DD during the week). I always ask him how his weekend is looking work-wise and he NEVER gives me a straight answer because he wants to keep his options open.

Make your own plans. On Friday, tell your DH that you and DD are going to the museum at 1:00 on Saturday, and would he like to come? No, you'll be at work? OK, fine. Yes, make your own plans, and pay the babysitter and if you would appreciate your DH's company, tell him you are going to see "The Post" and would he like to come with you? Otherwise, he can pay the babysitter when he gets home.

MAKE YOUR OWN PLANS. He'll catch up, or he won't. Either way, you will be happier.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to add, that yes, this is a total shift in how you have been thinking. Start thinking of him as a roommate, who you enjoy his company, but don't depend on him for your entertainment or sexual satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is having an affair. Do you go visit him at the office once he is there. Does he video-conference you from his office once there? He wants to keep his options open for his affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're more jealous of your DH's 'me-time' than anything else.

[Anonymous]

OP - for the situation you chose to describe as your best example - he is not a problem. I'm guessing you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgot to add, that yes, this is a total shift in how you have been thinking. Start thinking of him as a roommate, who you enjoy his company, but don't depend on him for your entertainment or sexual satisfaction.

Thank you for your replies, they're very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is having an affair. Do you go visit him at the office once he is there. Does he video-conference you from his office once there? He wants to keep his options open for his affair partner.

No, I'm pretty sure he's not having an affair. I call him sometimes or FaceTime if DD wants and he picks up right away and is always in the office. I've never caught a whiff of anything suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're more jealous of your DH's 'me-time' than anything else.

Nope, I get my me time during the week so am not jealous of him getting his. He shouldn't pretend to be working, that's just dishonest.

[Anonymous]

Like other PPs said.. Don't ask, just do. You've made arrangements to do X, and he is welcome to join, and if not that's OK. Even with things involving tickets -- usually you can buy one at the venue if he needs one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're more jealous of your DH's 'me-time' than anything else.

Nope, I get my me time during the week so am not jealous of him getting his. He shouldn't pretend to be working, that's just dishonest.

Sounds like you don't feel you do: "I would ask her babysitter to watch her a few hours so I can do something fun on my own"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - for the situation you chose to describe as your best example - he is not a problem. I'm guessing you are the problem.

There is A LOT going on in our marriage and the subject of my thread is not his worst. Nowhere close. But if I disengage and stop caring, I'm guessing that a lot of the other stuff he does will get much better because we will fight less and it's our fights that lead to much of his horrible behavior.

[Anonymous]

I would also add, tell him that you are going to do ‘x’ on the weekend and then do it. If he wants to get a babysitter instead of spending time with his daughter, he can sort it out.

[Anonymous]

How do you know he is “pretending to work”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're more jealous of your DH's 'me-time' than anything else.

Nope, I get my me time during the week so am not jealous of him getting his. He shouldn't pretend to be working, that's just dishonest.

Sounds like you don't feel you do: "I would ask her babysitter to watch her a few hours so I can do something fun on my own"

I do. I love our DD, but she's at an age and stage that is trying. If DH is not going to spend family time with us, then I would prefer to get a few hours to myself as it is very tiring being with DD 46 out of 48 hours straight.