So your child can read... but can they socialize?

[Anonymous]

So, we have just begun the public school journey a few weeks ago with the start of K for DD, as I meet fellow parents and their children I am getting a bit concerned.

First of all I hear a ton of bragging especially from one mom in particular; like "oh DD could read at a second grade level in preK, she will just be sooo bored and unchallenged in K while the other children catch up", in front of my child (who cannot read, nor do I really care if she does at this point - ask me at the end of K and it will be a different story) and the mothers DD (the child that is brilliant and reads, somehow boosting the girls eager pleasing need).

The annoying part is that somehow, any conversation turns into the list of all the things the child can do... like even the weather is not a safe topic or the Red Sox. The problem is that this child has real social issues, and I'd assume aspergers, and some sensory issues that are very apparent.

My question (outside of the vent above) is if smart kids that are above grade level ever get tagged for assessments to help them with social skills and their own flexibility to play/social situations, or since they are smart and do well academically fly under the radar? This poor girl could use help, but due to the nature of my relationship with the mother it would seem like I am mentioning it because I am jealous that my DD is not as smart?

[Anonymous]

It looks like you've really got two issues:

1. You mention starting kindergarten recently and hearing a lot of bragging, but then you zero in one particular parent. It is understandable that you don't like it, but is it possible that maybe she's mentioning it as a defense? It seems very unlikely she's unaware of her child's issues. Perhaps she's pointing out the child's strengths so that you don't assume the child doesn't even belong in the class and subsequently bad-mouth the child?

2. What exactly is the nature of your worry about the child and whether or not she needs help? I find it difficult to believe that you are a qualified diagnostician who has identified something the child's parents, pediatrician, and teachers have missed. Do you really want to insert yourself and ask the parent if she's getting help for the child? Do you really want to insert yourself and ask the teachers? In your heart of hearts, what do you hope to accomplish here?

[Anonymous]

I would think that children that are having social issues should get tagged for assessment, regardless of academic skills. I do not think academically gifted kids (and I have no idea if her child is actually academically gifted, has been drilled to learn to read relatively early, or just missed the kindergarten cut-off last year and is on the older side for kindergarten) should get a special separate assessment simply because of a perception that gifted children are somehow more likely to have social problems.

Also, if the child has Aspergers there is no way the teacher/school could remain unaware for the long term. This condition is not simply "quirky," it is something that requires special accommodation and would be hard to overlook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that this child has real social issues, and I'd assume aspergers, and some sensory issues that are very apparent.

OP - can you be specific - what are you seeing in this child that causes you to draw these conclusions?

[Anonymous]

"Jealous that your DD is not as smart" is probably among the nicest things that people will say about you if you go around talking about other people's children this way. I know that if I overheard you talking about a classmate like that I would be wary of befriending you or your DC. I would think you were looking to criticise every child you were jealous of. You may well be right about the child, but I would choose my words and my audience with extreme caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Jealous that your DD is not as smart" is probably among the nicest things that people will say about you if you go around talking about other people's children this way. I know that if I overheard you talking about a classmate like that I would be wary of befriending you or your DC. I would think you were looking to criticise every child you were jealous of. You may well be right about the child, but I would choose my words and my audience with extreme caution.

Agree with this completely. you seem jealous especially from the title of your post. I know lots of early readers that are also wonderful social kids.

[Anonymous]

Rather than just assume that the parent is jealous, you could also assume that this person is very concerned about another developmental aspect of the child that the parent is obviously not picking up on... and is seeing if the school will pick up on it

[Anonymous]

Best leave professional diagnosis to the professionals. Even if you are right that something may be off with the kid, it's really none of your business, unless the parents are really your friends and you mention something due to true caring. In this case, you obviously do not like the other parent so just keep out of the way the best you can. Everyone handles issues differently.

[Anonymous]

OP cut her some slack if her DD does have aspergers or another processing disorder she is probably struggling with it. Its natural to focus on what your child can do especially if if they struggle in other areas.

My little boy has a speech delay and we are hoping it is just a delay. We are in speech therapy but there is a good chance that it may be more serious and long term because he is very advanced in other areas. Mild delays usually are not matched with being very ahead in other areas. I know that at every assessment the therapist always comments at how far ahead he is in other areas. At first I thought they were doing that to make us feel better or something but as I googled I realized its part of the diagnosis process.

[Anonymous]

it's DCPS K class. There are probably 20 other kids in the class. Avoid this parent for now. Just walk away if you need to.

[Anonymous]

smart kids that are above grade level ever get tagged for assessments to help them with social skills and their own flexibility to play/social situations, or since they are smart and do well academically fly under the radar

Well, I'm going to assume this was a genuine question and ignore the overtones of snark. I have one of those kids, advanced reader but with social issues. I can assure you that her social issues do NOT go unnoticed at school. Communicating with the school over these behaviors, working on getting her assessed, trying to work on appropriate school behaviors from home....no, not so fun and highly stressful for all of us. The good news/bad news is that if your child does not have a diagnosis, then the school is somewhat limited in what they can/will do. She has worked with the school counselor (who is very good, but overwhelmed) on various social skills as well. It has also impoved with age. Issues in K and first are now improved in third. And, dare I even say it, starting the GT program this year has meant she is fully engaged in the classroom and miraculously many of her bahviors have improved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

smart kids that are above grade level ever get tagged for assessments to help them with social skills and their own flexibility to play/social situations, or since they are smart and do well academically fly under the radar

Well, I'm going to assume this was a genuine question and ignore the overtones of snark. I have one of those kids, advanced reader but with social issues. I can assure you that her social issues do NOT go unnoticed at school. Communicating with the school over these behaviors, working on getting her assessed, trying to work on appropriate school behaviors from home....no, not so fun and highly stressful for all of us. The good news/bad news is that if your child does not have a diagnosis, then the school is somewhat limited in what they can/will do. She has worked with the school counselor (who is very good, but overwhelmed) on various social skills as well. It has also impoved with age. Issues in K and first are now improved in third. And, dare I even say it, starting the GT program this year has meant she is fully engaged in the classroom and miraculously many of her bahviors have improved.

What, A GT program in DCPS, I thought they did not exist. Glad to hear you daughter is doing better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, we have just begun the public school journey a few weeks ago with the start of K for DD, as I meet fellow parents and their children I am getting a bit concerned.

First of all I hear a ton of bragging especially from one mom in particular; like "oh DD could read at a second grade level in preK, she will just be sooo bored and unchallenged in K while the other children catch up", in front of my child (who cannot read, nor do I really care if she does at this point - ask me at the end of K and it will be a different story) and the mothers DD (the child that is brilliant and reads, somehow boosting the girls eager pleasing need).

The annoying part is that somehow, any conversation turns into the list of all the things the child can do... like even the weather is not a safe topic or the Red Sox. The problem is that this child has real social issues, and I'd assume aspergers, and some sensory issues that are very apparent.

My question (outside of the vent above) is if smart kids that are above grade level ever get tagged for assessments to help them with social skills and their own flexibility to play/social situations, or since they are smart and do well academically fly under the radar? This poor girl could use help, but due to the nature of my relationship with the mother it would seem like I am mentioning it because I am jealous that my DD is not as smart?

Frankly, you do sound a little jealous to me. Although, I would agree with you that it is rather uncool that the other mom mentions these problems in front of the kids (either hers or yours). The truth is that even gifted kids and their parents have problems in school, and it is very hard to get these addressed. There are 2 basic stereotypes about gifted kids -- 1) they're gifted so they'll do well at everything and don't need any help at school (neither acceleraton nor support) or 2) gifted kids may be bright academically but they're social geeks. You are falling into trap #2.

Actually, a lot of "gifted" kids have trouble with social skills because their age peers don't have vocabulary skills, interests, reading abilities , etc. commensurate with the gifted child's. These gifted children don't necessarily have "social" issues or aspergers or other sensory issues. At age 4 our daughter wanted to play greek gods and godesses with her friends, re-telling the elaborate greek myths she had been reading; there weren't a lot of kids who liked that. Her vocabulary was complex and her stories were elaborate and a lot of kids just didn't have the focus to attend to one game/story for hours. She hated the loud, boisterous play and yelling of kids in preK and K, not because she had "sensory" issues, but because she thought it was stupid that kids ran around yelling "poop" at the top of their lungs and hitting each other. She may have appeared "aspergers" because she had an incredible memory and could remember all sorts of things after having heard them just once. It may have appeared apsergers to recite all the greek gods/goddesses and their pedigrees, but it was just her comprehension of what she read.

The thing that helped my child was not getting social skills training, but being placed with kids of her intellectual ability/interests in school, being allowed to make friends with older kids where appropriate and being allowed to pursue her interests. To outsiders at school, my gifted child may have appeared socially anxious, sensitive and unable to play with her peers from about age 3 to 7, but when we pulled her out of her school and placed her somewhere else that met her needs, she was able to make friends easily. In fact, my daughter is now in a program for highly gifted children and mentioned the other day that one of the boys who was very ill-behaved and obnoxious last year (my words, she described more diplomatically) was magically not a problem this year. Being in a more academically challenging environment magically "fixed" his social skill problems.

Nothing is more of a red flag for me than to hear a teacher or parent say, "well [that gifted child] is smart but she needs to learn how to make friends."

Let's say you're a guy who loves shakespeare and opera and have to spend 6 hours a day with a bunch of guys who like to chew spit, talk about baseball and endlessly recite baseball stats -- how do you think your social skills would be perceived? How "flexible to play/social situations" do you think you'd appear to be?

[Anonymous]

OP, let that parent deal with what you perceive as the child's "issues," and you work with the school on your child's education.

There are going to be early readers, early soccer stars, early math whizzes, and who knows what-all else in any class. Their parents are raising them as best they can, as you are raising yours. Give them a break and understand that people are going to focus on their own children's needs and strengths. Some parents -- myself included-- walk on eggshells to avoid offending parents whose kids' strengths are different from my kid's. Mine is an early reader, and there have been times when her spontaneously reading a sign or book cover has freaked out/ spurred the competitive instinct in another parent. Then I find myself saying, oh, but your Junior is soooo much more coordinated than my Fifi, which is totally silly. It's not a race. It's just kids growing up on their own clock.