If you are happily married in mid-life, what makes your marriage a good one?

[Anonymous]

And how do you survive mid-life crisis? DH is moody - he's upset about the big 5-0. I think his dissatisfaction is primarily career (what have I accomplished, where do I go from here). But it just puts him in a negative frame of mind so it spills into how he treats me and the kids. When does this pass and how do I help him through it and also protect our marriage from being damaged?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is depressed and needs an antidepressant. Encourage him to talk to his doctor.

[Anonymous]

We're far from perfect but a few ideas ...

Plan a big trip together for sometime this year. A bucket list type destination. Anticipation of something positive is a powerful mood enhancer.

Encourage him to pursue a hobby he's always wanted to get involved in and support him 100%. Plus, make allowances for any extra expense or time it may take to fulfill this dream.

If he's open to this, create a space to just talk about gratitude together. Maybe a nice dinner at your favorite date spot. You each come to the table with a list of things you are thankful for in your lives and discuss them together. It's tremendously fulfilling if your partner is up for it. Repeat the process with your whole family one evening. We've put up "gratitude trees" in the past where each of us fill out tags with what we're thankful for and hang them on a bare tree.

Urge him to start a meditation practice, daily, or some sort of other mindfulness habit. It's easy to start with some apps online. Bottom line, his mood will not be changed by anyone but himself. Meditation is a great way to stay in the moment and ground yourself.

Is he treating his body with health and respect? Daily exercise, stretching, good food, less alcohol, etc? Mindset and physical health can be closely linked as we creep into older age. If it's something you hope to do as well, try joining a gym together and doing some classes inspire you both.

Encourage his male friendships outside of the home. Guys spill the dirt when they're together, alone, and it helps put their own lives in perspective. Sure, it may seem like a night at the bar but my DH comes home realizing his life is pretty darn great.

Finally, realize when this "mood" becomes toxic to the family despite your best efforts. At that point, it's time to talk therapy and beyond. No family needs to live with one person's crisis forever.

Good luck! And don't forget to take care of yourself too. xo

[Anonymous]

I said this to my DH:

"I understand that you are freaking out about getting older and frustrated with XYZ, but you need to recognize that your attitude impacts me and our relationship as well as the kids and the entire family dynamic. Only you can control your mood and attitude, so you need to do something about it."

My DH was not clinically depressed and does not have mental health issues...he was just being a moody jerk. But he got over it since I told him that we wouldn't tolerate it. Plus, he's not usually a self-centered jerk. He typically puts the family first.

[Anonymous]

Tell him that happiness is a choice. He can either look at all the good things in his life and feel good.....or not. It's his choice. He can't stop the aging process but he can eat better and get fit which will slow it down. The career one is tougher but a change can be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is depressed and needs an antidepressant. Encourage him to talk to his doctor.

+1

[Anonymous]

see the movie "Brad's Status"

have lots of sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that happiness is a choice. He can either look at all the good things in his life and feel good.....or not. It's his choice. He can't stop the aging process but he can eat better and get fit which will slow it down. The career one is tougher but a change can be good.

Agreed. You need to be happy with what you've got and with what you can make happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're far from perfect but a few ideas ...

Plan a big trip together for sometime this year. A bucket list type destination. Anticipation of something positive is a powerful mood enhancer.

Encourage him to pursue a hobby he's always wanted to get involved in and support him 100%. Plus, make allowances for any extra expense or time it may take to fulfill this dream.

If he's open to this, create a space to just talk about gratitude together. Maybe a nice dinner at your favorite date spot. You each come to the table with a list of things you are thankful for in your lives and discuss them together. It's tremendously fulfilling if your partner is up for it. Repeat the process with your whole family one evening. We've put up "gratitude trees" in the past where each of us fill out tags with what we're thankful for and hang them on a bare tree.

Urge him to start a meditation practice, daily, or some sort of other mindfulness habit. It's easy to start with some apps online. Bottom line, his mood will not be changed by anyone but himself. Meditation is a great way to stay in the moment and ground yourself.

Is he treating his body with health and respect? Daily exercise, stretching, good food, less alcohol, etc? Mindset and physical health can be closely linked as we creep into older age. If it's something you hope to do as well, try joining a gym together and doing some classes inspire you both.

Encourage his male friendships outside of the home. Guys spill the dirt when they're together, alone, and it helps put their own lives in perspective. Sure, it may seem like a night at the bar but my DH comes home realizing his life is pretty darn great.

Finally, realize when this "mood" becomes toxic to the family despite your best efforts. At that point, it's time to talk therapy and beyond. No family needs to live with one person's crisis forever.

Good luck! And don't forget to take care of yourself too. xo

I agree with this completely. My husband just turned 49 and he hates the daily grind of working . He has a good job but is bored. What has really helped him is that he runs marathons and did a few triathlons and having those goals helped him. We also just started taking some epic trips in the past two years. We are going to be empty nesters in 3 years and plan to get a sail boat. We recently started hiking and are planing some pack packing trips together.
This has really helped him and our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that happiness is a choice. He can either look at all the good things in his life and feel good.....or not. It's his choice. He can't stop the aging process but he can eat better and get fit which will slow it down. The career one is tougher but a change can be good.

Agreed. You need to be happy with what you've got and with what you can make happen.

+1

NP here. I fear becoming old and bitter (we've all seen it!), so I do what I can to not give me reason to. OP, try to be supportive and spell out one or two things that are negatively affecting things. Don't forget to also mention the positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is depressed and needs an antidepressant. Encourage him to talk to his doctor.

Only in America would the first response suggest antidepressants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is depressed and needs an antidepressant. Encourage him to talk to his doctor.

Only in America would the first response suggest antidepressants.

DP. To be fair, only in America would someone be unhappy about turning 50. Never heard of this mid-life crisis phenomenon anywhere else.

[Anonymous]

Have him read this:
The Real Roots of Midlife Crisis

What a growing body of research reveals about the biology of human happiness—and how to navigate the (temporary) slump in middle age

https://www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/382235/?client=safari

[Anonymous]

1. We have really great communication skills.
2. We have similar goals, parenting styles, ethics, and priorities. We both want the house the same amount of clean, we both want the kids to behave the same way, we both value money the same way, etc.
3. Similar libidos.

[Anonymous]

Sex, seriously. DH is 47 and I’m 46. Really keeps us connected.