DD was in tears saying her dad (dh) favors our DS.
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Anonymous
| The tears and statement were heartfelt. I told DH and told him that I see why she thinks this. Basically our DS is the obedient one and she is the defiant one. My DH is old school when it comes to expectations of demanding respect but not old school in terms of consistency. Anyway, DS is the easy one and DH this school year has made a point of having outings with him - DH says DD turns him down. Probably true because she dislikes what he proposes and then he poo-poos her for not being willing to go for a walk for example. (She is a bit lazy and he shies irritation when she avoids anything involving exercise.). Anyone else dealt with this with DH and DD? Do I need to help find an ongoing activity for them to do together? It breaks my heart to see my DD feel this way and angry with but also sad for DH who is ruining his relationship with our DD, if he doesn’t act fast. |
Anonymous
| How old are your kids? |
Anonymous
| Well, it seems there is merit to what she says. Either he changes or he doesn't. Don't gaslight her if he really is the cause. |
Anonymous
| DD is11 and DS is 6. He does not love her less - he just goes with what is easy. He couldn’t deal with DS crying as a baby and at that time always chose to take DD to do things. I was fine with that because I knew he’d just get all wound up due to the incessant screams. Now he can’t handle tween back talk so he chooses DS. Sigh. I’ve trued to reassure her but he has to fix it. |
Anonymous
| DD sounds like a preteen with problems. How is she doing besides not getting along fabulously with DH? |
Anonymous
| Aren't parents like that? They are obviously going to favor the compliant one. |
Anonymous
| Does DH care that DD feels this way? |
Anonymous
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DD is 11. Tweens and teens often feel slighted by one parent or the other. It isn't always something for the parent to 'fix'.
There could easily be a time in the next few years where she says you are unfair or mean or don't support her or favor her brother etc. It is hard to tell if DH is actually favoring DS or if that is just how it looks since they get along better and have more in common. Relationships ebb and flow through the teen years. I think you need to stop seeing it as something he needs to fix. If your DD wants to spend time with him, then she will say yes to a walk as that way she has time with him. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like he doesn't love her less, but he does like her less, and he's letting it show. Honestly, the words you use to describe your DD (lazy, defiant) make it seem like you're not so thrilled with her either. Preteens can be a pain, as can teens, but my approach to my own preteen and teen is to show as little annoyance as I possibly can, and try to make them feel loved and listened to, because home and family should feel safe and unconditional when peers can be harsh. This requires enormous efforts of patience sometimes. Sometimes I'm better at it; sometimes my DH is. But we try really, really hard.
On the other hand, you can take a different road on this one - you can tell your daughter that you love her unconditionally but when she acts in particular ways it makes her less appealing to people, including you. This is kind of a realpolitik approach to parenting that might get her to connect her "laziness" and "defiance" with negative outcomes personally, and convince her to change. I don't think that's my cup of tea, but maybe it would work for your family? |
Anonymous
Thank you for the perspective here - this is very helpful. |
Anonymous
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When I was 13 I spent two days living in the van in the driveway because I felt my mother was so unfair and treated me horribly compared to my siblings! I only went into the house to use the bathroom by the entrance and I drank water from the bathroom tap. My mother had gotten very frustrated with my teen attitude and said a few snarky things.
No one came to fix it. eventually I got hungry enough that I went back inside! |
Anonymous
+1 Can't your DH find another activity, for example, to do with his DD (I agree, taking a walk sounds lame) such as a fro-yo outing or go see a movie (maybe you can make a suggestion). Did you talk with your DH and let him know that from DD's (limited) point of view this is how she perceives things? |
Anonymous
Thanks, this is helpful. It’s hard when you have kids who are in different developmental zones - I am certain DS will be different when he hits teen years compared to how he is now. DH is really hung up on kids showing respect, and any show of defiance is like throwing oil on a fire. I think my chat with him helped but he was also annoyed with my “meddling.” Sigh. I told him he needs to let a lot of it go even though I can understand why he finds it irritating. |
Anonymous
Yes his eyes were filled with tears. I think it worked but it sucks to have to do this shuttle diplomacy and also have DH not appreciate my efforts to ensure he has a good relationship with our daughter. I think he resents it and found it condescending. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like a manipulative tween. Don't feed her snarkiness.
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