Should I tell my TTC friend that I'm pregnant?

[Anonymous]

I'm 3 months pregnant. I'm meeting an old friend for dinner next week. I've heard through the grapevine that she and her husband have had fertility issues and she has gone through several failed cycles of IVF recently. Another friend of ours from high school with a newborn is also meeting us for dinner. I'm wondering if I should share my pregnancy news or keep it quiet. I'm already showing so it's kind of hard to hide, though I could wear something baggy. I just do not want her to feel bad. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

My advice (and it is just one person's advice!) is to tell her ahead of time in an email. Otherwise she may guess even if you don't tell her (esp if they are both drinking and you aren't AND you are wearing something baggy). Better to tell her in an email, allow her to process it (and cry if needed) on her own before she has to see you. Probably by the time she sees you she will have worked through the "wtf, why am all the only person who can't get pg????" feelings and she'll be happy for you. You sound like a great friend for being so concerned. I wish my friends were all this sensitive.

BTW, congrats!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

I agree...tell her ahead of time. Let her sort through her emotions in private before she sees you.

[Anonymous]

I would phone rather than email--email is so impersonal.

[Anonymous]

i agree with first two posters and i think email is just fine -- a phone call will also catch her off guard and force her to put on a happy face; while an email will also catch her off guard at least she can deal with it in private. email is such a common form of communication these days -- and often preferred -- i don't think it's regarded as impersonal.

[Anonymous]

I would include her in a "hey I am pregnant!" e-mail sent out to many people, so that she does not feel targeted for pity. I have had many friends struggle with fertility issues and many of them REALLY resented getting the sad face from those of us getting pregnant at the drop of a hat.

You know your friend best and how she will take things...

Good luck and congrats!

[Anonymous]

Agree that you should tell her ahead of time - email is fine, and I would not do it in a joint email. (You can make it feel like you are not targeting her or feeling sorry for her by framing the message as something like: you're looking forward to dinner, and oh, BTW, you won't be drinking because your pregnant.) Depending on where she is in the process and how she is feeling, she may or may not want to reschedule. Respect this.

(I'm in the process of grieving the end of my fertility treatments - when you are at the end, it is a grieving process, even if you move on to something like donor eggs or adoption. I haven't been able to call or email a good fried who just had a baby, and I live in fear that someone will announce a pregnancy when I'm not feeling emotionally strong, and I won't be able to handle it.)

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same situation as PP (perhaps we should talk!) and agree that an email is the way to go. It's a tough place to be in, but she'll be happy for you, just maybe not right away.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you so much for the advice!!! I will definitely email her in advance and tell her. I am hoping that she writes back and tells me that she's pregnant, too! (This happened with my older sister. She had been TTC for 2 years unsuccessfully. After I got pregnant I really did not want to tell her because I knew how much she wanted a baby and how hard it would be for her to hear my news. When I told her she SHOCKED me by saying she was 8 weeks pregnant but she and her hubby had been keeping it secret until the second trimester!!!!)

[Anonymous]

i would tell her but i wouldn't gloat and constantly talk about it. and i definitely wouldn't harp on her ttc issues either. i hate it when people do both of those to me. tell her, but only talk about it if she brings it up.

[Anonymous]

i also hate sentences that start with "when you get pregnant..." or "when you have a baby...", as if once you do get pregnant and have a baby you reach a higher level of intelligence....

[Anonymous]

I agree 100% with sending her an email in advance. If she's having an exceptional hard time of things lately she can even back out if needed.
Whatever you decide to do, don't tell her in person the night of the dinner.

Congrats to you on your pregnancy!

[Anonymous]

I emailed her today and she wrote back and said a simple congrats. I would NEVER say anything about "when you have a baby" and I would NEVER gloat about being pregnant or act like I am all-knowing because I'm pregnant. In fact, I will likely not talk about it at all. There's not much to say about it anyway; we have so many other things to catch up on. The last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable or bad.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it worked out -- your friend is lucky to have you, OP.

[Anonymous]

I had two kids while my good friend had a miscarriage and two years of ttc hell. I think our friendship has strengthened because I just listened to her while she went through this process and always was encouraging. I always let her lead the issue of ttc and I told her that I would never go negative with her as in why don't you go the adoption route-this is nothing against adoption but that comes across to someone who is trying to get pregnant as "you're not going to get pregnant." No matter what was going on, I always stayed positive and looked for new information on techniques to help conception ex. acupunture. I am happy to say that she is now pregnant and ladies she switched docs and feels that was the missing ingredient. She said now that she needed me to be positive to get her through the hard times as she already knew stats and had to deal with the many many neg people ex. it sad you guys didn't try sooner type of bs. I also believe that I did see her as having a baby and knew that whatever way it took place, it was going to happen and it was going to be great. I really hope the same thing for whoever is on this board--good energy is a wonderful thing too much negative will hurt anyone.