16 year old and his friend - should I intervene?
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Anonymous
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So my 16 YO DS has known his 16 YO friend since they were 7. They have gone to the same school since 3rd grade (now Juniors in High School).
Throughout elementary and middle school they were pretty much inseporable, and we lived two blocks from the friend's house so it was easy. In 9th grade not only did both of them change schools, but the friend's family moved a 15 minute drive away. At first things stayed mostly the same, but towards the end of the school year they seemed to be drifting apart. Apparently the friend was reunited with a couple of other friends from outside of school that are more popular then my son and who DS doesn't really get along with. Since there, honestly DS and his friend have been drifting apart. Aparently the friend is becoming one of the popular kids, and making decisions my DS knows are stupid (stuff like drinking, drugs, sex etc). Anyway, DS is still hanging out with his friend weekly. Well, DS came to me today and told me that on Saturday when he claimed he was going to the movies with his friend and then sleep over, his friend actually had invited him to a party where there was a lot of drinking and drug use. DS claims he didn't drink or do anything - and I trust him, he is a smart and mature teen - but that he was worried his friend was getting into some dangerous stuff and wanted to help his friend. I am torn because I feel like I should be pushing him to end this friendship. But I also don't really know if it's really appropriate for me, as a parent, to try to intervene in a friendship that is obviously very important to DS. At the same time, I worry about the amount of effort DS is putting into this friendship, and that DS seems to feel like it is his responsibility to 'save his friend' and stop him from drinking and all that. I don't think that is a healthy relationship for either kid. |
Anonymous
| Novel much? |
Anonymous
| Yes, you need to encourage your son to end the friendship. Why is that even a question. |
Anonymous
Are you close to the other boy’s parents? Do you think they are aware of the behavioral changes? If you have a relationship with them and your son is worried anough to ask for help “saving” his friend, I think it warrants a conversation with the other parents. I know I’d want to know. |
Anonymous
+1 the boy wanted to help his friend and came to an adult just as we have taught them. To do nothing would be irresponsible. You must know the parents pretty well after all of this time. I too would want to know. Just make sure you share it without judgement and ask them to respect the confidentiality of your son. |
Anonymous
| I am actually impressed that nobody came on and said to stay out of it. This is absolutely a time to be involved. Discourage the relationship and gently chat with the parents. Do not say your son does X. Y, Z. Just say, you don't know if it's true, but you know as a parent you would want to know if there was a chance this was going on. Share what your son reported and you can say as far as you know your son is credible, but you also know teens can exaggerate or embellish so you are simply reporting what you think might be an issue. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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My son has multiple very close life long friends throughout HS that eventually at different stages started drinking and smoking pot.
He limits his contact with these kids to doing stuff that is not at night going to parties. They still play basketball together, watch football, go to concerts. I also encouraged my son to find new friends that are not drinking and doing drugs which means he does a whole lot of staying home and not going out but he does have some friends and they go out to eat, go to the movies, golf, go to the pool, etc. Slowly but surely most of his friends are drinking some here and there. He has not dumped every single friend from childhood but he does limit his contract to non-party activities. So about 6 out of 10 drink and 4 don't. I did not encourage him to shun every single kid that he knows has had a beer but I do not let him go to parties with them. |
Anonymous
Again, high school kids don't have sleepovers. |
Anonymous
| I don't know about boys, but high school girls certainly have sleepovers. I've had six or seven girls sleeping on my rec room floor several times this school year. |
Anonymous
| This sounds like the side plot in Wonder re Via and Miranda. |
Anonymous
| If your son has a good head on his shoulders, having a friend that is into "bad" stuff is not really a problem. I would remind them of how quickly things can spin out of control. To involve me when they get in over their heads etc. But having to make some tougher decisions about tougher situations while still under a parent's roof is not necessarily a bad thing. If you see a stark change in your son..... that's different! |
Anonymous
This fall I've had a couple times a batch of 12th grade boys sleeping over in the basement. "Sleeping" is relative. It was more like playing online video games together for hours, then coming upstairs to play WII from 2-5am, sleep for ~4hrs, then making some ridiculously large and messy breakfast before leaving around noon. 
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Anonymous
| damn kid's a narc |
Anonymous
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OP bottom line, your kid's friend, will not thank him for trying to "help".
Your kid needs to look out for himself and get on with life away from the shenanigans this friend is getting into. End of story. |