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Annulment or divorce?
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Anonymous
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I have been married 8 years, and we have a couple of kids together. We're both ready to end the marriage - it's been hell on me and I'm ready to get out of this miserable situation. I figured a divorce was the ONLY thing to do. Until our most recent argument, when my husband disclosed to me that he lied to me to get me to marry him, so he could best influence and have control over our child (we got married after learning I was pregnant).
I could go on about details, but the salient point here is, he told me he only married me because he wanted to be in our child's life and he wanted to keep me from leaving the state to be near my family to raise the baby. He also told me he lied when he said he loved me, or ever did love me, and that he would never love me. If I recall correctly, isn't the basis for an annulment one person defrauding the other? He admitted he only married me to have control over me, that he only loves his children by me, but not me, not ever me, and never will be me that he loves. So, is an annulment possible and/or even a good idea? Do you gain or lose anything seeking annulment instead of divorce? I guess part of me would just like to *not* have to label myself "twice divorced"  lame as it sounds...
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Anonymous
| I completely appreciate your desire to avoid the label "twice divorced," but what would an annulment mean for your children in that respect? |
Anonymous
| Don't you legally need a divorce, to work out assets, custody, etc? I thought annulment was more a religious event. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I just googled annulments and fraud is grounds for an annulment, but it does have a 2 year limitation in most cases to qualify to get an annulment. The thing is, in my case, he sat on this information for 8 years - and he expects me to now suck it up and return the favor for him, staying married for the kids! As if he did me or them any favors with his charade...
As for annulments, there are civil and religious. I'm not Catholic, so my only reason would be civil - so I'm curious if this is an option for me, and how (if at all) it would benefit me? Anyone who knows me would know my back story and anyone I meet could do the math and see that I have three kids and figure either out of wedlock or something happened years ago... The courts would see the children as legitimate, btw. |
Anonymous
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I don't see much advantage other than mental (avoiding the twice divorced thing). As far as I know, assets are divided in the same manner as they are when a divorce occurs.
It may even cost more, as you may have to go to trial to prove the fraud. |
Anonymous
| I think you're SOL on a civil annulment once there are children. But this could vary from state to state, or I could just be remebering it wrong. Best thing for you would be to buy an hour or two of a good divorce lawyer's time. This is the kind of question s/he could answer easily. |
Anonymous
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The fraud is that he now says he never loved you? (I'm not sure I am reading it right.) I don't mean to diminish what a rotten, horrible thing that is to say, but he is far from the first man to say it (a good friend's husband announced the same thing to her shortly before he left her for his new girlfriend... "I don't love you now, and I don't think I ever really loved you.") I think this qualifies as assholery, not real fraud. I feel like "fraud" is more when someone is telling blatant, provable lies (like, his identity (name/job/personal history), his sexual orientation, that sort of thing).
But I agree with PP, a divorce lawyer is probably the one to be asking this of. It just seems like semantics to me, "annulment" vs "divorce." Your getting an annulment won't change the fact that you were actually married to, living with, having children with this man for 8 years -- the end result will be the same regardless of whether you call it a divorce or an annulment. Like I said, I'm not trying to diminish your situation or what a shitty thing that was he's said to you. Best of luck to you and the kids. |
Anonymous
I agree with this - the women I know who are divorced, and have ever talked about it with me, have a similar story in that their husband give the same bullshit - "I didn't know what love was until I met X (the woman they left the wife for), "I'm not sure I ever loved you" etc. So not sure this is really fraud. A judge would probably say he got caught up in the pregnancy and mistook that bond for love, etc. I would just not fool with semantics, get the divorce, and move on. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I agree about semantics and it's certainly not worth paying more to prove fraud in court. The fraud was not that he said he never loved me - that's just fueling my decision to leave. The fraud was his statement about his intent to marry me to gain more legal control over his unborn child. He never told me this. Had he done so, and allowed me to make a decision based on this knowledge, I would have never married him.
Fraud? Dunno. Asshole? You betcha. |
Anonymous
| My first husband sounds similar to your husband-calling him an asshole is being nice. Being that I wanted out of the marriage FAST, a divorce sufficed. Good riddance to bad rubbish. I went on to happier times and a healthy loving relationship. I sincerely wish you a happy future! |
Anonymous
| Talk to a lawyer -- you need to know what your rights are in each situation. |
Anonymous
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My understanding of fraud as grounds for an annulment -- and this is far, far from my specialty -- is that it has to go to one of the elements of the marriage. In other words, his ability to contract the marriage in the first place. In other words, if your husband lied to you about being underage, insane, not a man, that's fraud about one of the elements of contracting the marriage.
My understanding, and I'm not completely clear, is that you think your husband lied to you about loving you. I do not believe that's grounds for an annulment based on fraud. |