New friends in new area for 13 yr old
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Anonymous
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We just moved to a new area after spending my just-turned-thirteen-year-old's lifetime in a coastal town in California where we knew everyone and everyone's family.
How do I check out her new friend's parents/family before letting her go over to their homes? Does having an older brother eliminate the possibilities of a sleep-over at their houses? I am at a loss here. My daughter has made a few new friends in her new school since September and we have had two of the girls over here and now they want to reciprocate. Thank you for any suggestions. |
Anonymous
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Google the parents.
Check sex offender registry. Drive by the house. Drop your kid off for the afternoon or dinner (not a sleep over) and talk to the parent at home. And no - my 12 year old will never sleep over at another girl's house who has older brothers. |
Anonymous
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That's crazy! Yes, your daughter can sleep over if there is an older brother. To say otherwise is paranoid, and we don't live our lives that way. My high school age daughter has made lots of new friends as a freshman. I always call ahead and talk to new parents, and new friends I don't drop off and waive (as many of her friends seem to do), I go up to the door and introduce myself to the parents.
Besides, many of her long-term friends (from ES, scouts, Sunday school), have older brothers. To say no to sleepovers because of this would be nuts. Additionally, we have a text code - if she is ever uncomfortable in any situation, she sends a one word text and we immediately call her and say, "family emergency, we are coming to get you." That's for her younger brother as well. |
Anonymous
+1 After an invitation has been extended, I always call the mother and talk for awhile. You can get a good feel for people if you really listen. |
Anonymous
Drive by real slowly, and be sure they are watching out the window. That's the tiicket... OP, your daughter is reaching the age when you aren't going to know much about new families. You can call and chat, but realistically there is no way to learn all that much. |
Anonymous
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I have a 13 yo daughter, as well as two older teenaged boys. Whenever my daughter has a sleepover at our house, I try to make sure my boys are either at sleepovers of their own, or out of town, or something along those lines. It doesn't always work out that way, but I try. And the reason I do is not because they would ever do anything to a girl staying the night, but because I'm protecting *them* from any false accusations that might occur. There is no way I'm setting my boys (or my husband) up for that kind of life-altering trauma, so I find it easier to keep my daughter's sleepovers separate. My husband is in full agreement, and he always makes sure there's another adult present in the room if we have my daughters' friends over.
Sad, but such is the climate today. |
Anonymous
Talking to the other parents is completely reasonable. You get a little feel for them and get a better sense of what is planned and what their ground rules are. But, the rest of it is crazy. Absent some other more specific reason for concern, having an older brother shouldn't preclude a sleep over. Would you say the same if the dad was home? |
Anonymous
| Wow lots of paranoid people. I never had a friend’s brother bother me. I did have several friends’ dads hit on me. Should we not allow sleep overs if a dad is in the house?? Op you are new to area so need need to rush into sleep overs. FWIW I feel like seek overs were a novelty in third grade and now that my dad is in sixth grade she doesn’t want them much unless away with a family for a weekend skiing etc. She and other kids are in many activities like travel sports and wants to get a good night sleep in her own bed. |
Anonymous
| No need |
Anonymous
| OP here. You have to remember that we know no one in this town and have only been here for two months. It is very difficult to let your barely 13 year old go over to a complete strangers house. I am sorry if I sound paranoid but put yourself in my shoes - if the father was just let out of prison or the older brother was a weird gun fanatic, how would I know? I don't even know anyone well enough to hear idle gossip. |
Anonymous
If that is the way you feel than say no to sleepovers for a while. There are lots of way to socialize without sleeping over. |
Anonymous
I am concerned about my daughter just going over after school... |
Anonymous
If you cannot meet the mother or father before hand, make sure that you drop DD off at the friend's house and talk to the parent. Trust your instincts. If it feels wrong, use your safe-word with DD and both leave. |
Anonymous
This is such a great idea. My daughter is at a sleepover now - I will need to discuss this idea with her next time and set up a code. Thank you. |
Anonymous
OP - we've all been in your shoes about letting our kid go to a house where we really didn't know the people. Gossip tells you nothing, anyway. You know how they say "every day is part of the process of letting go", well this is part of it. People really do let their kids go after school to the houses of classmates. You met the girls in your own home, they seemed nice enough, now do a drop-off play date, chat to the mom for a minute. You won't be able to do a background check. You will have to start to let go. |