Planning TTC for #2, but not necessarily recovered from #1?

[Anonymous]

Looking for those BTDT or are struggling with the same.

DH and I have lightly discussed starting TTC again in about 4-6 months to (hopefully) preserve our desired age gap of somewhere between 2-3 years in between kids (trying to time it with the hopes that they're two school years apart). Other than being exhausted from having a toddler underfoot, we think we're ready for the time and energy a second kid entails.

My only issue is I'm worried about the toll it'll take on my health again. My pregnancy (aside from a hip problem and some bronchitis) was actually pleasant. I had crazy bad PPD after the first pregnancy - I knew I was at risk right off the bat and was quickly medicated and did lots of follow ups with my therapist. I'm only just starting to come down off of that now, but still really anxious and a bit weepy when I'm under a lot of stress, more so than before the kid was born. I lost most of my baby weight, but gained back like 10 pounds since I stopped breast feeding and I've had issues losing it because my energy is just gone by the end of the day from work and kid, and weekends are just insanity trying to keep the kid entertained.

I'm worried how bad my body will get messed up (will I misalign my hip again?), how much weight I might gain, and how hard it'll be on my family if I get PPD again - the meds only helped so much. We had all hands on deck when this kid was born but I know that with second kids you don't necessarily get the same kind of help. DH travels for work and I'm worried about just spiraling while he's gone - can I really be a weepy mom with two kids and try to manage it all?

Part of me just wants to go for it and deal with what comes, but worry I'm being unfair to DH and DS.

[Anonymous]

So that means you have a 1 year old now? Things really turned around for us when our DS hit 18 mo. I didn't struggle with PPD but that first year + was *hard.* By the time he was 2, I could finally contemplate having a second. Now he's 3 and I really want a second.

I hear you on the desired age gap. But if you've got the time, consider taking it for yourself. Another year for more sleep, exercise, and therapy to get back to feeling "normal" before jumping back into the fire.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. What does it matter if they are 2 or 3 or even 4 years in school apart? You are stressing yourself out about an arbitrary timeline. You didn't state your age, but if you do have time, why not wait.

I was thinking I'd go for a 3 year age gap between kids, but the first year was HARD and I didn't start feeling like myself until DD turned 1. Then I was having so much fun by the time she turned 2, I didn't even want to think about another. Now she is 3, like PP, I really want a second. 4 years sounds like a good age gap now. And you know what, if it turns out they are 5 years apart, I'm fine with that too.

[Anonymous]

I think you're just wanting a child due to social expectations because nothing in your OP indicates that your kid enriches your life in any way. Your mental health has suffered and your DH doesn't help because of business travel so I honestly don't think you should have another.

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

Thank you all for the advice. I will definitely try to let go and maybe think about a 3 to 3.5 year age gap. The reason I don't want a larger one was what my younger sibling is 5 years behind me and it wasn't a great relationship and our inability to do the same kinds of things definitely created hardships on my parents. I do have some time tho, so thanks.

And about the enrichment children have to our lives, thanks for your concern. Sincerely. But I just didn't want to wax poetic on how much I love my kid since my post was already so long. DS is a frickin' bundle of joy, even if a tiring one. When my day is horrible and long, I still love coming home to his pudgy, happy face.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids two years apart (technically 26.5 months). I had easy pregnancies and no PPD. It was HARD AS HELL. The sleep deprivation alone the 2nd time was way more brutal. The toddler went from easy going to insane. I felt physically drained and exhausted so so much more than the first time around. I was less anxious, mainly because I'd done the newborn thing before.

I'd also encourage you to wait until you feel really recovered. That is really really important. Being able to be a strong, calm and mostly happy mother is a much bigger gift you can give your children, than a perfect age gap.

I also have a friend who is 6 years younger than her sister and they are best friends. So personality has way more to do with this than age.

Just like on an airplane, put your oxygen mask on first. Wait until you feel strong enough to take this on.

Wishing you well OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

Thank you all for the advice. I will definitely try to let go and maybe think about a 3 to 3.5 year age gap. The reason I don't want a larger one was what my younger sibling is 5 years behind me and it wasn't a great relationship and our inability to do the same kinds of things definitely created hardships on my parents. I do have some time tho, so thanks.

And about the enrichment children have to our lives, thanks for your concern. Sincerely. But I just didn't want to wax poetic on how much I love my kid since my post was already so long. DS is a frickin' bundle of joy, even if a tiring one. When my day is horrible and long, I still love coming home to his pudgy, happy face.

This is something you just can't predict. My brother and I are only 18 month apart but have never been close. We were rivalrous, had diffferent interests, and definitely created hardships for my parents because while we were in the same "stage" age-wise, we had nothing in common and constantly pulled them in separate directions. My two boys are a little over 3.5 years apart and they are extremely close, best friends, and despite the different stages, play together, support each other, and are as close as siblings could be. You just never know. But I do know that you have to be ready and in a good place mentally to be a good mom. I personally love the slightly bigger age gap. Good luck.