Ok to just send DH and DD to in laws?
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Anonymous
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I'm over my in laws. They live a few miles away. They invite us to family gatherings 2-4 times a month. I show up about half the time.
There are three gatherings in the next 10 days and I want to skip them all, and just send DH and DD. Is this ok? DH will be disappointed but won't fight me on it. Examples of why I can't stand them: -every single gathering they bitch at me for not seeing us more. We see them 1-2 times/month. That seems like a lot to me. And I get tired of multiple relatives raising this with me (AND NEVER DH) at every single gathering -there is a cousin that, I have learned through mutual acquaintances, frequently shit talks me behind my back (and then acts nice to my face). -the food is revolting (example: they took campbells chicken noodle soup, drained the broth, smothered in cheese and baked it) -they don't ever ask anything about DD, DH, me, or our life or show any interest in us, despite me making a point to ask all of them about their lives, jobs, gardening, kids, pets, etc. I just don't wanna do it anymore. Can I cut back to just Christmas and Easter and send DD and DH on their own? I hate them, pretty sure they hate me and life is too short. |
Anonymous
| Sure why not? I am sure they feel the same way about you so it’s a win-win. |
Anonymous
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My judgment: you have to go every other month. Ignore the rest.
Although, the noodle & cheese bake sounds like it could be good in other circumstances! |
Anonymous
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Yes, skip them. It's perfectly fine.
How much free time do they have that they have 3 gatherings in the next 10 days? Is this the Thursday, Friday, and Saturday of Thanksgiving or something else? |
Anonymous
| My DH genuinely likes my parents who live nearby and he still doesn't go every time, maybe half. I see them way more than I would expect him to. |
Anonymous
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Yes, you can send DH and DD on their own.
If your DH doesn't like it, he can man up and tell his family to stop blaming you for not seeing the family more often and to stop shit talking you. It's his responsibility to make seeing his family as pleasant (or as not terrible) as possible, especially if he wants you to see them all the time. |
Anonymous
Op here. I LOVE this answer! |
Anonymous
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Yes. Send them alone. Your DH needs to stick up for you btw or your marriage isn't destined for success.
My dad's family talks shit about my mom (in fairness, both sides talk shit about each other!). My mom only sees his family on major holidays and everyone is on their best behavior. She compliments their food, acts super nice and smiles a lot, my aunts do the same. I think my grandma and aunts like us coming without my mom. I'm more similar to their side of the family and my mom sticks out like a sore thumb (I love my mom, so I'm not criticizing her). They're very well read and love to discuss books and we always play big group games. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP quoted and DH and I have to be very firm with our families because both sides can be real turds if left to their own devices. My mother has never met a problem that couldn't be blamed on a son in law and my MIL thinks DH hung the moon and no one could possibly be good enough for him. Both of them are fiercely protective and loving mothers which can be great IF YOU'RE THEIR KID but if you aren't, they are god awful. So it's on each of us to ride herd on our respective moms to make things work because neither of them will pay a lick of respect to a child-in-law unless forced to. If DH wasn't willing to go to bat for me with his mom, I wouldn't visit her period and he feels the same way about my mother. However, since each of us is willing to acknowledge that our moms are who they are and manage them accordingly, things work well. |
Anonymous
Op here. There is an uncle coming from out of town this Thursday, so a pizza gathering to welcome him. Then a more formal gathering Saturday with sloppy Joe's  to welcome the arrival of DH's cousin. Then thanksgiving.
What makes me crazy is that for 3 years I truly made an effort. And they still hate me. I tried to be super nice, would bring dishes to all these dumb little gatherings, would compliment the slop and people's outfits and homes, show interest in their lives. I'd buy cards for DH to send on his grandparents and parents birthdays and sent pictures of DD every few months. I'm done trying. |
Anonymous
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It's fine to be done OP. You tried.
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Anonymous
OP, sorry to break it to you, but you have to show up for Thanksgiving. Bring wine and drink it, but show up! I absolve you of your need to go to those other events. Say you have a headache or had to work late. I've cultivated a migraine for years so the story sounds legit now. |
Anonymous
Op here. I know you're right but I so desperately don't want this to be true. I know I can't skip out on thanksgiving or Christmas Eve 
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Anonymous
OP, I once drank an entire bottle of wine on the drive to my in-laws for Thanksgiving (obviously my husband was driving, and this was pre-kids so I didn't have to take care of anyone). Try that for the visits you can't get out (or start earlier since they live so close). And definitely send your husband and daughter without you some times, there is nothing wrong with that. |
Anonymous
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Go to Thanksgiving, as it's so close.
Do DH & DD even need to go to the other events? Or just one? That seems a bit much. Why Christmas Eve? Do you do Christmas in your own home? |