6yo argues a lot. Help?

[Anonymous]

My 6yo daughter argues about seemingly everything. She knows my buttons and how to push them. Trying to leave the house before work can be a battle - she doesn't like her socks, doesn't want to brush hair, put on a coat, buckle her own seatbelt, etc.

When we are in a rush, I don't have time to pick a battle like time out - which usually involves her stomping her feet and refusing to stand quietly for around 2 minutes. It becomes 20 minutes of her acting out until we reach the standing quietly part.

I feel like I don't know which times to confront and which things to ignore and let go. Dh is deployed for a year. It's hard on the kids, and challenging and lonely for me. With other people she is super polite and thoughtful. They have a color coded behavior chart at school and she has always been in the good behavior zone. She is great with school, homework, and her teacher remarked on her politeness and participation in class.

I'm embarrassed that I let a 6yo frustrate me. I don't know what to do when we are on a schedule, have to leave the house, and she is absolutely refusing to do what I ask. Any book or recommendations for parenting strategies to help me?

[Anonymous]

Just want to say, if you figure it out - let me know. My daughter is the same.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm raising a monster. My mother visited, and seemed to think I am not strict enough. I don't get to see many parents in action so I just don't know how normal this is.

[Anonymous]

https://www.steppublishers.com/products/books/step-participants-handbook

This STEP method of parenting works you through when to give your children choices so they feel more in control and when to let things go, and how to select natural consequences for misbehavior. The book was printed awhile ago but still has good info.

Thank you for your husband's service.

[Anonymous]

Here are a few things to try. You need to stir up the routine and get her buy in.

When she is quiet, have a frank discussion with her at her level - literally and figuratively. Say you want to have a calmer morning because it's so much nicer and so on. Make a list together of what absolutely needs to get done to get out door. Ask her to set the order by making a little poster. Have her hang it up. Put stickers on it if she is helpful and follows it - get special time with you or dad, maybe go get a treat together (something small) after 3 days, then 5 days, then so on for the first month.

If she is having trouble in the morning following it at the first second of conflict, stop what you are doing, go to her, get down to her eye level (on your knees basically), look her in the eyes and remind her of the list calmly and without frustration and judgment (the hardest part, I know . Tell her you know she can do it. Give her a fun challenge if you need to - like "I bet you can't get the list done in 3 minutes" and so on and set a timer. She is old enough to do it all herself and should be made to feel confident that she can and feel good once she has done it. Get her to tune into how she feels good about herself when she's helped contribute to the morning in a positive way.

[Anonymous]

Have her do things earlier so it's not all last minute.

Give her 5 min to choose clothes the night before and if she's not done, you choose.

Have her dress and brush hair before breakfast. If she's slow, less time to eat her favorite foods.

If you need to leave house at 8, if she's in front of the door ready at 7:45, let her watch her favorite video.

[Anonymous]

If she buckles up easily, she can choose music in car.

[Anonymous]

Try to talk as little as possible to avoid power conflicts. Tell her what she needs to do, make sure she knows what will happen if she does/doesn't do it, and follow through without a long lecture. Better to talk about it another day when she's calm like PP said.

[Anonymous]

Thanks guys! Great ideas.

[Anonymous]

Make a checklist of everything that needs to get done. Have her help with the checklist, and she takes ownership of what needs to get done each morning.

Agree with doing as much as possible the night before.

[Anonymous]

And don’t be too hard on yourself! This is very, very normal behavior. And as one of my friends says, we want our daughters to be able to stand up for themselves! Just focus on the needs of the situation and try to keep calm yourself. —another mom of a strong-willed daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And don’t be too hard on yourself! This is very, very normal behavior. And as one of my friends says, we want our daughters to be able to stand up for themselves! Just focus on the needs of the situation and try to keep calm yourself. —another mom of a strong-willed daughter

+1

My DD was very similar at that age. I think I had (have?) similar tendencies, too.

Things went much better when I kept my mouth shut as much as possible. The less I "fed the meter" by explaining, arguing, threatening, venting, etc, the more quickly she'd settle down. But the more I said, the more she'd turn it back around and try to use it to argue with me. Less is more.

On the upside, DD is a sweetheart now at age 9. Truly. She's still strong-willed, but way more appropriate in how she expresses herself. I'm more reasonable and flexible in response. It's wonderful. So try to consider it a phase - not forever.

FWIW, a lot was just waiting for her to mature. The other part was having gentle conversations - long after the specific conflict and hard feelings had passed - about what happened and how we could do better next time. No blame - more joint problem solving. I always say we're a team and we can do better together. Slow and steady. Model the behavior you want her to learn.

Thank you so much for your family's service. We appreciate you all deeply!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 6yo daughter argues about seemingly everything. She knows my buttons and how to push them. Trying to leave the house before work can be a battle - she doesn't like her socks, doesn't want to brush hair, put on a coat, buckle her own seatbelt, etc.

When we are in a rush, I don't have time to pick a battle like time out - which usually involves her stomping her feet and refusing to stand quietly for around 2 minutes. It becomes 20 minutes of her acting out until we reach the standing quietly part.

I feel like I don't know which times to confront and which things to ignore and let go. Dh is deployed for a year. It's hard on the kids, and challenging and lonely for me. With other people she is super polite and thoughtful. They have a color coded behavior chart at school and she has always been in the good behavior zone. She is great with school, homework, and her teacher remarked on her politeness and participation in class.

I'm embarrassed that I let a 6yo frustrate me. I don't know what to do when we are on a schedule, have to leave the house, and she is absolutely refusing to do what I ask. Any book or recommendations for parenting strategies to help me?

Honestly OP, as a former 6YO girl, I can tell you that your expectations are unrealistic. Parental authority can't compare with authority in the classroom and in schools. I respected my teachers way more than I did my family members and I still did fine.

[Anonymous]

This is all great to read! I will relax a bit more and know we will get through this phase. I was starting to worry.

[Anonymous]

OP, my 6 year old is very argumentative too. And like your child, perfect behavior at school and with others.

You are doing great! I love the ideas in this thread but also wanted to let you know you are being too hard on yourself. Sending you a hug.