How to deal with conflict-averse spouse?

[Anonymous]

I'm at my wits end. I'm a lawyer, and I grew up in a family where discussion, dialog, and disagreement was all part of life, and I have developed a certain comfort level with conflict that I recognize not everyone has. My husband had a completely different upbringing, where anything likely to ruffle feathers just plain wasn't discussed. And parents routinely gave each other the "silent treatment" as a way to express their disastisfaction.

We have had problems discussing even the most basic things for a LONG time. We talked about it, and he said basically that I was choosing poor times to discuss things, and he felt attacked. I have spent literally, the last five years trying to work on this from my end. I've worked on how I phrase things, I've worked on my timing, and it hasn't made a shred of difference. I've finally reached the conclusion that while my initial approaches needed work, the REAL problem is that he doesn't want to hear the message. The discussions usually involve a requested change in his behavior: for example, Can you make sure you keep your medicines up high in the bathroom (and out of reach of the children), or I need more help putting kids to bed, so can you pitch in? or "Hey, could you please slow down, I think 80 mph is too fast on this road." No matter how I deliver it, he takes it as a personal affront, gets defensive, and then reacts with an aggressive or passive aggressive response.

He makes requests of me as well, and despite the fact that he frequently butchers the delivery, I try to take it in stride, listen to the message, and make changes on things that are important to him.

It has gotten so bad, that I know I am avoiding talking to him about important things, because I know the discussion will turn into a fight, and he'll end up acting like a jerk. And though I don't think its intentional, I feel like I'm being "trained" -- trained not to ask him to change his behavior in any way, lest we get into a fight and end up not talking to each other for 3 days. (For the record, I hate the fact that I've gotten suckered into the "silent treatment". Its terribly immature and I'm above it... it is purely a reflection of my intense frustration with this subject.) We have two kids, and hey... life is FULL of conflict. We need to collectively find a way how to deal with it better.

I love the man, but he's emotionally immature. Has anyone else successfully dealt with this problem?

[Anonymous]

Lots of counseling - and we are still in it so I have no idea if it works. You almost have to re-wire the way he was raised which is a long if not impossible task. I think perhaps you should seek out finding ways you both can learn to effectively communicate with the other. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Try:
1) Less ambush factor- It's a start, imperfect, but a start...so less in-real time, but rather "On Sun, I'd like to please talk about x, y, and z."
2) more writing. Your a lawyer, you've got to be a good writer. Supplement communication with writing. Write an e-mail (takes the affect out of it)...write a card..supplement your verbal communciation with writing...

I'm a much faster thinker than my husband, and you may very well be as well. So I can always "take him" in an inpromptu arguement, which is never really helpful anyway. So, by scheduling little talks, he prepares and gets his message out in a very great way. he's a brilliant man, just can't speak effectively off-the-cuff. So it levels all the factors, and we communicate better (as opposed to win/lose the battle).

Good luck, these very practical tips changed our marriage, really do hope it helps with yours,

[Anonymous]

Have you read, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk"? It sounds crazy, but it's a great book and many of the ideas are as applicable for adults (spouses, in-laws, co-workers) as for kids. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have the same dynamic. I think it's pretty common for two types like this to get married.

You could benefit from having a structured and safe way to discuss issues that does not allow either of you to fall into certain traps. We use Imago dialogue. I know that couples therapists use or suggest others.

[Anonymous]

What is Imago dialogue? Can you give me a quick explanation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try:
1) Less ambush factor- It's a start, imperfect, but a start...so less in-real time, but rather "On Sun, I'd like to please talk about x, y, and z."
2) more writing. Your a lawyer, you've got to be a good writer. Supplement communication with writing. Write an e-mail (takes the affect out of it)...write a card..supplement your verbal communciation with writing...

I'm a much faster thinker than my husband, and you may very well be as well. So I can always "take him" in an inpromptu arguement, which is never really helpful anyway. So, by scheduling little talks, he prepares and gets his message out in a very great way. he's a brilliant man, just can't speak effectively off-the-cuff. So it levels all the factors, and we communicate better (as opposed to win/lose the battle).

Good luck, these very practical tips changed our marriage, really do hope it helps with yours,

In our relationship I'm the one who avoids conflict, and I think this is excellent advice. I find that when my husband attempts to start a discussion on any conflictual or touchy subject, he has already planned what he wants to say and is prepared to debate any response I have. I am caught off-guard, get defensive, and withdraw. After a few hurtful incidents early in our marriage, I resorted to writing letters to express myself, because that way I could say what I needed to without being challenged. We have worked hard at communicating better (me especially), and it is improving, but it's definitely a work in process. Is your husband ever willing to have these conversations? If he needs some extra time or encouragement, that's one thing, but if he's completely unwilling to even try to deal with problems, I would suggest marriage counseling. You can't do this all on your own.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for everyone's helpful tips.

I feel like I can't win.

I used to address concerns as they came up (in real time), but as someone mentioned I am quicker on these things than he is, and sometimes the feelings were raw, so I was advised to step back and think first. So, now I take a little time... but when I ultimately approach him, and say, "hey, there's something I want to talk about"... its like he is immediately defensive. Before he even knows what the subject it. Making an appointment for later just seems to add to his stress/anxiety about what it could be.

And, frankly, its just not realistic. We both work full time, and when an issue comes up with the kids, sometimes I need an immediate answer. I recognize that's not always great for him... but such is life. Sometimes the issue can't wait. Plus, that means I get to stew about it for 3-4-5-6 days until he's in a place to discuss it.

I understand the comment about the writing, and that is something to think about,... but my general reaction is that I think its too easy to misunderstand tone when its in an email. And again, sometimes you just need to resolve things faster than that.

So either I skip the issue altogether (which makes me feel badly because then I'm angry/resentful I'm continuing to deal with the behavior), or I raise it, and suffer the consequences. Truly, there are times that I feel I'm married to a teenage boy -- I'm just beyond frustrated.

Perhaps counseling is the best recourse? Sometimes I really want to just give him a kick in the pants and tell him to get over it and act like an adult. (I'm sure I sound really sympathetic now!)

[Anonymous]

It took my husband and I a while to get to the point where we could have open discussions -- but there was a turning point that I'll share with you.

We were just having some trouble communication and I was so frustrated and resentful because I wasn't being heard and neither of us were really stepping back to see the big picture... and that finally dawned on me. I told him that I wanted to be a good wife, have a fantastic marriage and to build a family. I asked if he wanted that too. He said yes, of course. Then I said, look there are some things that I need to talk to you about and work through because we're not in a good place and the longer things stay bottled up the worse it will become. He agreed with that as well.

Except I didn't say it that way -- I said, "You know how when you have a really bad poop and you can just never get everything off or you're in a hurry and you didn't wipe well enough?" (He reticiently agreed with this premise) "And then it sort of burns and you get really uncomfortable? Well that's what it's like when we aren't able to talk about our problems or concerns. What started out as a minor issue gets bigger and bigger because we haven't cleaned it up. So if there is an issue, it needs to be dealt with as quickly as possible. We have to keep our butts clean."

The morale of the story -- find a shared goal/vision and keep your butt clean.

P.S. I'd also reassure your husband that your concerns aren't a reflection on how you feel about him fundamentally -- but that life isn't going to perfect and there are going to be discussions and arguments. I imagine that some of his defensiveness come from a fear of losing your love (probably a subconscious one at that).

[Anonymous]

OP, your DH sounds just like my dad! Counseling will definitely help, but here are some things to think about:

- you can't control his reactions, only your own. State what you want/need/feel (being mindful, as you have, about "tone). If he pouts, then that's his problem. You have to do your best to continue on with the day as normally as you can. Or, if he pouts, ask him to role play with you on ways to deliver your requests the way he wants - that might get him to realize how silly he's acting.

- If he isn't playing fair or won't make a decision based on thoughtful discussion, then make decisions for yourself. For example, if he drives too fast for your liking, but starts a fight every time you mention it, then drive yourself (I'm not kidding, my parents take 2 cars when they go visit family, because my dad drives too fast).

As I said before, counseling will help. If your DH balks, you have to make the decision as to what you want to put up with for the rest of your life. I think my mom got so tired of it all that she flat out told my dad that if he continued to be uncooperative and lay on the silent treatment, then she would leave - that was when she started making decisions for herself. To his credit, my dad cut out the crap.

Get counseling!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Except I didn't say it that way -- I said, "You know how when you have a really bad poop and you can just never get everything off or you're in a hurry and you didn't wipe well enough?" (He reticiently agreed with this premise) "And then it sort of burns and you get really uncomfortable? Well that's what it's like when we aren't able to talk about our problems or concerns. What started out as a minor issue gets bigger and bigger because we haven't cleaned it up. So if there is an issue, it needs to be dealt with as quickly as possible. We have to keep our butts clean."

The morale of the story -- find a shared goal/vision and keep your butt clean.

Ha! Too funny! Exquisitely tasteful.

As a PP mentioned previously, I too told my husband that if he did not change his attitude I would leave him. It made him realize I was dead serious and he started LISTENING.
On a side note, I am sure the reason your DH avoids arguments is that he feels insecure about your quick wits. I used to have a boyfriend like that, with whom I was sure to win any argument. After a while he started the silent treatment thing too.