Anyway to encourage my ex to be a more active parent?
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Anonymous
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My ex-husband and I separated when our daughter was an infant. He sees her about once a week for a few hours on the weekend. Sometimes twice a week (i.e. Saturday and Sunday). We do not have a set visitation schedule, but he knows he can see her anytime and I have never said no when he's asked to see DD. This arrangement had been working fine, but as DD is getting older (2.5 now) she asks about her dad a lot more often ("where is Daddy?" "when is Daddy coming?" etc.) and I feel guilty/sad that her dad isn't around more. It's also not just that he's not physically present - he just isn't involved in her life in a meaningful way. He's more of an uncle who comes over to play and then goes back to living his life for the rest of the week. For awhile I thought he was psychically absent because of a demanding work schedule, but now I know that's not the case. He could easily see her in the evenings after work, he just chooses not to.
The reality may be that my DD just has an awful dad, but for my daughter's sake I'm not ready to accept that just yet. I have a decent relationship with my ex, so I planning on bringing this up with him but I'd like to have some concrete suggestions for him instead of just approaching him with "you suck at being dad and need to do better." Any advice? |
Anonymous
| Have you offered to let him take her overnight? Offer him a weekend with her. |
Anonymous
| Why doesn't he get partial custody? I.e. every other weekend? |
Anonymous
| Set up a schedule and stick to it. |
Anonymous
| If you didn't share custody early on and allow her at his home for a period of time, of course they don't have a bond so why complain now? Either you call him and set a schedule and give him a reasonable time share or he will continue to be a visiting dad in her life. You probably didn't encourage it and used one of the many excuses including bonding and breastfeeding. Well, now he's not bonded. |
Anonymous
Ah yes, blame the woman for the man's failure... |
Anonymous
| She didn't encourage it? It's his responsibility to request it. She's not his mother. Christ. |
Anonymous
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OP here. My ex doesn’t have partial custody/more visitation because he doesn’t want it. It has been offered (more than once, since we separated); he has chosen to not accept it.
Seems to me that we have a chicken and egg situation here. He doesn’t want more time presumably because he doesn’t have much of a relationship, but he doesn’t have a relationship with DD because he doesn’t put in the time to have one. |
Anonymous
I was trying to build up to that. They’ve never done an overnight together. I suggested a few months ago that he pick one day a week to pick her up from daycare and take her to dinner and the playground (or wherever really - just a suggestion) and then bring her home and do her bedtime routine. I offered to be around to help if he wanted or come home after she was in bed. He seemed receptive to the idea and did it for exactly 2 weeks before “something came up” at work and he couldn’t make it to daycare. Maybe I was trying to micromanage the interaction too much. I dunno, I feel like I can’t win. |
Anonymous
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Even many married men have a hard time relating to little girls at this age. You might suggest he take her to the park. It would be much better if they were off your turf. Overnight is definitely a good idea, though better if a grandma was on hand or you were available in case it doesn't go well.
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Anonymous
PP here, and yes you are micromanaging too much. His relationship with her will be different than yours. Tell him if he wants an overnight to let you know what night, and then say yes. To bond he needs to be he one taking care of her during their time together. He will do it differently than you, and that is normal. |
Anonymous
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Sadly OP you can't make him want to spend more time with her. Don't give up though, she's still really young and age 3-4 it gets MUCH easier for Dads to bond. The infant/toddler stage can be tough for some guys with zero kid experience and not naturally paternally inclined (my DH included).
Our DD is now 5 and they are best buddies. Before age 4 she was attached to me at the hip. My inlaws were horrible roll models for DH parenting wise (no better grandparent wise). DH was awesome when she was an infant/toddler, but their real bonding didn't happen until she was between the ages of 3 and 4. |
Anonymous
| I think all that you can do is tell him that she's been asking for him and would like to see him more often. Let him decide what to do from there. It sounds like right now he is happy with seeing her once a week, however. That could change as she gets older, but may not. |
Anonymous
| Why didn't the custody agreement cover these things when you divorced? |
Anonymous
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OP, you can also just answer your daughter's questions - where is Daddy? at work/his house. When will I see him "this Saturday you and Daddy are going to get together. I wonder what you think you'll do?"
You can certainly tell him that DD is asking more about him, that she seems to want to get together more often, and to ask if he'd like to keep her on a Saturday night. Or suggest that he picks her up and takes her out once a week in addition to Saturdays - "she's becoming a Daddy's girl, and I know she's love to see you twice a week, are you interested in that? That way you can tell him that she wants it, she enjoys him, which is true but also will make him more confident that she does enjoy him, etc. But then you can't MAKE him do it, and I wouldn't push him. |