How do you deal with a controlling Mom?

[Anonymous]

Asked DC a question this morning and spouse answered for him. She does this constantly. He just stares down and doesn't talk anymore.

Asked her not to be angry or have fights in front of the kids - she says it's her "right" to (literally). Suggested she see someone to help with anger management - she refuses to.

Ideas?

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy

[Anonymous]

I'd point out to her during a calm time that her son has given up on having a voice at all when she's around, because she frequently (don't use the word 'always') speaks for him.

And I'd give him time away from her, so he could talk freely.

[Anonymous]

Often how mothers are is in reaction to how their kids are. What is your kid like? Is he shy or not talkative to begin with and that's why she answers for him?

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry this sounds awful. I had a cousin who grew up like this, ended up hating her mother bitterly.

I hope you get some helpful answers in terms of dealing with this situation.

[Anonymous]

You be his springboard, OP. She will never change, but you can be there for him. My mother was like this and she never had any idea what was going on in my life and she never will, basically. She even answers for my children now! Hopefully your wife has other good qualities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Often how mothers are is in reaction to how their kids are. What is your kid like? Is he shy or not talkative to begin with and that's why she answers for him?

Please don't blame your kid for your behavior. I was like OP's kid. Either my mother spoke for me before I could, or she would correct me to what she wanted me to say! When I was a teenager, my pediatrician would ask my mom to leave the room because she was so overbearing.

If you do have a shy kid, it's important to teach them how to speak for themselves, not just do it for them.

[Anonymous]

The only thing you can change is yourself, OP. My suggestion would be to find a therapist for yourself to help you work through the situation.

[Anonymous]

D I V O R C E
or
T H E R A P Y

[Anonymous]

Talk to your child when you have some alone time. Don't air your marriage issues or make the kid choose sides, but it is okay to offer support and express curiosity about his thoughts, show your steadfast affection and willingness to be a sounding board for him, and model confidence.

I agree with other posters that your issue with your wife is a big one and needs to be handled separately one way or another. Does she understand that her direct actions are harming the mental health of her child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You be his springboard, OP. She will never change, but you can be there for him. My mother was like this and she never had any idea what was going on in my life and she never will, basically. She even answers for my children now! Hopefully your wife has other good qualities.

I agree with this poster. You cannot make her change. You can provide alternative modeling for him (waiting for him to respond in his time) and make yourself available for him by spending quality time for him, sending him texts/emails, and giving him structured choices when you are together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asked DC a question this morning and spouse answered for him. She does this constantly. He just stares down and doesn't talk anymore.

Asked her not to be angry or have fights in front of the kids - she says it's her "right" to (literally). Suggested she see someone to help with anger management - she refuses to.

Ideas?

I agree with the first thing in that she should not do this but dude, you are equally controlling if you're telling not to argue in front of kids. First it's unnatural. Secondly you and your spouse need to figure out how to handle disagreements in front of the kids. You need to model appropriate behaviors too even for negative situations.

These are small things. Don't let them grow into massive ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asked DC a question this morning and spouse answered for him. She does this constantly. He just stares down and doesn't talk anymore.

Asked her not to be angry or have fights in front of the kids - she says it's her "right" to (literally). Suggested she see someone to help with anger management - she refuses to.

Ideas?

Fix this now! I’m 45 and my mother still does this.

[lizziewhit]

As I just learned in therapy last week, you want to avoid "you" statements when speaking to someone like that. And focus on "I" statements.
I feel _______
when _______
I'd like/need ________
OR I'm going to ________ (consequence - but don't get this confused with threat/ultimatum).

So in your case...
I feel DC is losing his/her voice when asked a question but the question is answered for him/her. I'd like to give him/her a chance to speak for him/herself OR he/she will remain silent and not gain the confidence to speak for him/herself.

If you say this and the incidents get worse, keep increasing the consequence after the word "OR."
...OR DC will become an adult that is afraid to speak up for him/herself.
...OR I will start interrupting to give him/her a chance to speak. (IDK - something like that).

The word "you" is sometimes unavoidable (like in the "I'd like/need" row). But this gets you in the practice of not saying "you" so much. Someone who is controlling needs to understand how the situation makes you feel and the clear repercussions you are worried about. Without hearing "you" as much as possible as "you" is more tied to blaming which could anger a controlling person.

Don't NOT assert yourself as this is important for your child to start overcoming now. You don't want your child 35 and in meetings at work afraid to speak up, and you saying then "I wish I helped him/her out when they were younger." Think about your adult child every time you confront the controlling mom. That should be enough to help you stand your ground.

Same thing with fighting in front of the kids - you need to remove them from that situation. It will affect how they are as adults as well. You can use the same sentence structure:
I feel worried when there is yelling and fighting in front of the kids. I'd like for that to happen behind closed doors or I will immediately take the kids outside and walk around the block until things have cooled down.
...OR I will take the kids on an errand until things have calmed down.
all the way to
...OR I will demand we go to counseling so we can both learn fair fighting mechanisms.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP - All of the replies (except "dude" who feels fighting in front of the kids is a 'natural' thing) are helpful. Many thanks.