MIL too touchy-feely

[Anonymous]

My MIL can not walk by me without scratching my back, tickling my arm, rubbing my head or even feeling my shirt to comment on it. She constantly tickles my husband too, poking his sides and squeezing him. It annoys him but he says that’s just how she is, she thinks it’s playful. If she is staying with us she has to give everyone hugs goodnight, even if I’m already upstairs she will come into my bedroom to get hug. If my husband walks past her without giving her a hug she will pout and be offended. Am I crazy or is this not bizarre? I have worked on getting her to not force the kids to hug when they don’t want to or are busy playing and don’t want to stop and give snuggles every 5mins but she was very offended, so do I just have to deal with the unwanted back scratches and tickling to avoid upsetting her further.

[Anonymous]

UGH! That would bug the hell out of me. I’d passively-aggressively work up a conversation about personal space and make loud and clear comments about not liking to be touched very much and hating when people physically invade your personal space. But I think you’re stuck with it.

[Anonymous]

My DH actively told MIL to stop telling me how much she loves me and waiting to hear me say it back because it makes me so uncomfortable. He just explained that it’s not common for Asians to be all touchy and lovey and that she was making me uncomfortable by trying to force me to conform to her ideas of family relationships

I don’t think she liked hearing it, but it worked and I’m significantly less on edge in her presence now.

I’m sure it sounds (superficially) like she’s nice, but actually she’s needy and narcissistic and needs my response to prove my love or something that I don’t understand or want to do. And also it’s extra uncomfortable because I don’t actually like her and she’s nasty to my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:UGH! That would bug the hell out of me. I’d passively-aggressively work up a conversation about personal space and make loud and clear comments about not liking to be touched very much and hating when people physically invade your personal space. But I think you’re stuck with it.

Good grief, grow up. Nothing is worse than someone who doesn't have the backbone or integrity to have a direct conversation about something? Guess what, honey? Your "hints" will probably not work anyway. Everyone has a different sense of personal space, and you should just have a discusssion like a mature adult--when you become one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH actively told MIL to stop telling me how much she loves me and waiting to hear me say it back because it makes me so uncomfortable. He just explained that it’s not common for Asians to be all touchy and lovey and that she was making me uncomfortable by trying to force me to conform to her ideas of family relationships

I don’t think she liked hearing it, but it worked and I’m significantly less on edge in her presence now.

I’m sure it sounds (superficially) like she’s nice, but actually she’s needy and narcissistic and needs my response to prove my love or something that I don’t understand or want to do. And also it’s extra uncomfortable because I don’t actually like her and she’s nasty to my DH.

Are you US born? Because it's not genetically coded, so maybe don't use being Asian as an explanation.

[Anonymous]

Op, your MIL sounds like a really sweet woman.

[Anonymous]

This is my worst nightmare. I just want to tell you that your feelings are totally valid.

[Anonymous]

That would drive me nuts. The goodnight hug thing (for adults) I'd let slide because it's once a day. But I do not like being touched and I would talk to her about it. If your DH doesn't care enough, that's fine, but you can tell her nicely to please not touch you. I would have said something f early on, I wouldn't want to deal with that for years.

I think it's good that you don't make your kids hug her. You can suggest a high five or blowing kisses or whatever. I was made to hug my gross, creepy uncle as a child and just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH actively told MIL to stop telling me how much she loves me and waiting to hear me say it back because it makes me so uncomfortable. He just explained that it’s not common for Asians to be all touchy and lovey and that she was making me uncomfortable by trying to force me to conform to her ideas of family relationships

I don’t think she liked hearing it, but it worked and I’m significantly less on edge in her presence now.

I’m sure it sounds (superficially) like she’s nice, but actually she’s needy and narcissistic and needs my response to prove my love or something that I don’t understand or want to do. And also it’s extra uncomfortable because I don’t actually like her and she’s nasty to my DH.

Are you US born? Because it's not genetically coded, so maybe don't use being Asian as an explanation.

Chill out PP. There are norms within a culture around touch. This is what the poster was referring to.

[Anonymous]

That would annoy me to. Just tell her you don't like it and stop.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should just let your reflexes take over once when she touches you without warning. A good smack might put an end to it.

[Anonymous]

Definitely lock your bedroom door if she is visiting. DH’s mother has personal space issues as well. Make it clear that you don’t like it and want it to stop. It’s your body - she does not have a right to violate your personal space just because you married her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH actively told MIL to stop telling me how much she loves me and waiting to hear me say it back because it makes me so uncomfortable. He just explained that it’s not common for Asians to be all touchy and lovey and that she was making me uncomfortable by trying to force me to conform to her ideas of family relationships

I don’t think she liked hearing it, but it worked and I’m significantly less on edge in her presence now.

I’m sure it sounds (superficially) like she’s nice, but actually she’s needy and narcissistic and needs my response to prove my love or something that I don’t understand or want to do. And also it’s extra uncomfortable because I don’t actually like her and she’s nasty to my DH.

Yup, this. If you’ve never had to deal with a narcissist on a personal level, their attempts at connection seem nice, almost innocent. Those that have lived with it know better.

[Anonymous]

Be direct.

"Nancy, I know hugging and touching is how you show love. For me, personally, it's too much. I'm more comfortable with a hug when I first see you, and a hug when we part. Thank you for understanding that I'm not comfortable with a lot of physical affection."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your MIL sounds like a really sweet woman.

Truly sweet people learn how to read social cues and understand that some people need more personal space than others.

I'm a hugger, my sister is not. So I've learned to show my affection for her in other ways. I respect who she is, and as a result, she feels more comfortable with me, and offers me the occasional genuine hug rather than a "forced" hug every time I see her.