Long time friendship dying natural death (if other mom just lets it).
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Anonymous
| My DD (almost 12) and her bestie have grown apart over the last year. My DD seems mildly sad, but not devastated. I think she’s bothered more by the obvious awkwardness of not having much in the way of common interest any more. I have no idea how the other child really feels, but she accused my DD of being mean in a very bizarre way. We were taken aback and have allowed my DD to pull back even further from contact. The bestie’s mom isn’t content to accept this allegation as a good sign it’s time to part ways. She seems to be pushing them together for a tearful mending or a big final blow up. What do I do? |
Anonymous
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Tell the mom that this is a problem for the two girls to solve on their own. It is always sad when friendships end.
I lost a friendship over this as an adult. Our kids had drifted apart and It wasn't for us to meddle. My kid didn't want to fix the friendship, and I protected his right to that and refused to discuss it further with the mom. Kids are their own people. |
Anonymous
Thank you. The adults keeping their hands off has been my instinctual position, but I guess I needed to hear someone else articulate it. It really helps to think about it as protecting my child’s right to not fix the friendship. Thank you! |
Anonymous
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Depends on the whys and wherefores.
Kids in middle school are still very immature. Are they drifting apart because they are involved in different stuff and lack the time and opportunities to do things together? Happens a lot at that age. Some parental assistance in getting together every now and then may be a good thing. If there are issues about being involved in different social groups - that too can be okay but parent reminders to be nice to old friends can have a positive impact. I think the only real requirement is that they must be polite to each other. The friendship will or will not continue of its own course. |
Anonymous
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Just stay out of it. It's natural for people to drift a,part and friendships to change , even among adults. Middle school kids are changing in big ways, it's absolutely normal for some friendships to end or not be as strong as previously.
I have a 12 and 17 year old - My kids both started managing their own social lives without my involvement (suggesting outings/hangouts/get togethers etc) around 11/12. Just let the girls be and let them handle their social lives. |
Anonymous
| The only thing I have to add is that my DD has some friends from kindergarden that are no longer her besties at school. But, the families have been friends now for almost 10 years so we still get together periodically. One of the other mom's told her DD who is more sensitive about the shifting social tides that these friends are like her "cousins." You can love them and enjoy them when you get together even if you all have separate social circles. It's kind of lovely but may not apply in your situation. |
Anonymous
| I agree with the others especially the polite thing. I think parents do need to intervene if say your kid is being a "mean girl." Otherwise let them drift, they could drift back or not. Respectful but distant is fine. |
Anonymous
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I agree that the adults shouldn't force the kids to make up. How much are you interacting with the other family that the other mom has opportunities to try to push them together? If you are still close with her family, I think the idea of thinking of them like cousins is a good one.
That said, I think if my daughter were accused of meanness by a friend (in, as you say, a "very bizarre way"), I'd want to be sure I had talked with DD about friendships generally and this friendship in particular. My DD was dumped by her best friend when they were 13 in a very clumsy way that was probably typical for 13, but ended up feeling very hurtful. I'm not sure if the other mom had any clue of what happened, but if she did, I'd hope she would talk to her daughter to help her make smoother friendship transitions in the future. |
Anonymous
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When DS was attending a small MS, he had a few friends but was not super close to any of the kids in his school. We were sad for him, and often wished that there was a way we could help him be closer to kids from his MS whose parents we socialize with. We didn't push it in any way though, because we knew it wouldn't have worked.
When high school came along, DS suddenly made tons of friends at his new HS and has been quite happy to not socialize with the old MS group much at all. When he sees them now, it's kinda like seeing cousins -- he's happy to say hi and catch up for a few minutes, then go back to doing his thing with his current friends. I think unless the issue is extreme, kids need to work this stuff out for themselves. |
Anonymous
You are welcome. I got over being sad about the friendship with the mom. Turns out, I don't miss it. We are friendly now, and that's where we should be. |
Anonymous
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i just talked this though with my cousin who has a DD in this situaiton. in her case, the parents were really adding the drama by not letting it go.
the other girl's dad had texted my cousin's husband re this, and the text we decided to send back was, "they're kids; let them figure it out" or something like that. "let's let the kids figure it out" the kids ended up in the same class and after one period of awkwardness they ended up apologizing to each other--and are not buddies anymore but they are comfortable acquaintances. Kids need to learn to move from friend back to acquaintance if the friendship isn't working for them. It shouldn't always be friend-to-enemy. We can see that in many adult relationships; people that don't recognize that in many situations, there is calmer, drama-free way to part. I'm glad you are helping your DD learn this and maybe the other girl's parent will learn something too. |
Anonymous
| I like the cousins comparison. That's a nice way to think of it. For adults friendships, that have gone south, I think of how I would (should) treat a neighbor --- casual friendly, there for any true emergency, but not someone I share stuff with, or need to agree with. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like the mom needs closure for herself, maybe assumes her DD wants it too.
Nancy Reagan said it best: Just say no. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
| My daughter decided to end a friendship because the other kid was always needy and told lies to try and get sympathy from other kids. My daughter decided that she had had enough, and stopped associating with her. You have to let your kids handle it. If they're smart, they'll handle it correctly. |