Can't do anything right

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Everything I do upsets my husband. Anything seems to send him into a rage. Yelling, calling me names, throwing things if I disagree. Typically it's done directly in front of our children.

While he praises any dishes he cooks for himself, he is utterly critical of what I make.
If while cooking, I put the vent on level 2, he yells about why it should be on level 3.
I wash the clothes in warm water, he argues that I should be washing it on cold.
If I leave my (yes, mine... Not ours) bedroom door closed during the day, he complains that I should keep it open.
Buying my children colored socks instead of white socks.
If I warm up leftovers instead of cooking something fresh.
If I don't hand feed my 5 year old bc he isn't eating quick enough.
If I pour my five year old 3 ounces of milk instead of four.

He also micromanages everything I eat and what I wear. If I'm talking to a friend or neighbor, he hushes me.

I'm at a loss. He refuses to seek marriage counseling, saying its a waste of money.

Any advice? Is this marriage doomed?

[Anonymous]

Emotional abuse. Doomed unless he unilaterally determines his actions have been harmful, apologizes, acknowledges heirs an abuser, and gets the necessary help. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

I've said it before and I'll say it again--what you allow is what will continue. You sit back and take his bullshit and then wonder why he continues to dole it out?

[Anonymous]

You should match him up with my exDW. They sound identical.

[Anonymous]

WTF. Are you financially independent? I'd get my ducks in a row and exit.

[Anonymous]

I (a wife) could not live like that, but tons of husbands do.

They seem to be able to manage it by dropping the rope and letting the wife do everything her way.

[Anonymous]

Since he refuses counseling, yes, it's doomed.

[Anonymous]

He is emotionally abusive and a horrible role model for your children. Get your affairs in order and leave while you can. This will not improve no matter what you do. He is what he is.

[Anonymous]

Was he always like this? Why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he always like this? Why did you marry him?

We've been together >20 years and we've had our ups and downs. It hasn't always been this bad, started getting worse about 3-4 years ago. I suppose I loved him and always made excuses for him. Blamed it on stress from schooling, work, having young kids. He usually apologizes, but then shortly after he's yelling about something else which makes me feel that his apologies are disingenuous.

This past summer I took my kids to visit family for a week-long trip. I have to say it was nice to be able to make decisions without worrying that he would get upset. My kids even expressed not wanting to return home because they don't like the way he yells.

I'm not financially independent and don't have family nearby. I've looked for a basic, 1 bedroom basement apartment in the area but the rent would exceed 70% of my take-home pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've said it before and I'll say it again--what you allow is what will continue. You sit back and take his bullshit and then wonder why he continues to dole it out?

Help me understand this. What should I do when he loses it?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my DH, although your situation sounds a little worse. That said, I'm trying to figure out how and when I can get out.

[Anonymous]

You're being abused. Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 24/7 for confidential counseling and support, 24/7. You can also go to their website, thehotline.org, where they have a lot of information, like what constitutes abuse and how to make a plan to safely leave. They can also direct you to local resources.

[Anonymous]

Please call the number posted. You are in an abusive marriage.

[Anonymous]

Is your marriage doomed? You're already there. Wow, why would you stand for all that?