how do you address professional colleagues being inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

I attended a leadership program. In my class, I met a lot of other federal managers I wanted to meet with outside of class for lunch or coffee to talk about being a supervisor and how to address performance issues with employees. After the class, people gave me their business cards and I sent a group email to the people who work near me giving them my contact info and suggesting lunch. I've met with several people for lunch or coffee.

During the class, one man and I would walk to the metro. He is well aware I have kids and a husband. However, he sent me an email after we set up lunch to "text or call me on my cell...I like talking to you". Okay, nothing too alarming about that.

Since then, he has called me at work on a daily basis just to chat. I always kept the conversation short and work related. Then he started sending me links to places (restaurants, parks) stating "nice place to visit". I just ignored the emails.

I am supposed to go to lunch with him, and I think I might cancel. I get a really creepy, weird vibe from him. He keeps calling me at work and texting me. I thought he seemed nice and professional in the class. We were on a team and worked on a group project. He even met my husband who was also at our metro stop and said hi. He keeps sending me texts about meeting up on the weekends. I just ignore it.

Advice?

[Anonymous]

I would cancel the lunch and stop answering his phone calls and texts.

[Anonymous]

I think he thinks you were hitting on him and want to have an affair since you were emailing him to get lunch and drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he thinks you were hitting on him and want to have an affair since you were emailing him to get lunch and drinks.

Nice way to make this about the woman hitting on him. Nothing was said about drinks except coffee. Normal, not insane men don't think you want to have an affair because you, as a professional colleague, attempted to network with them.

OP, i would cancel the lunch and not take his calls. However, I would not ghost him entirely - I think ghosting is really awful. Maybe next time he calls, say, hi Larlo, glad you called. I'm going to have to cancel our planned lunch. I also wanted to say I've really enjoyed networking with so many people after the meeting, and it was nice to get to know you, along with everyone else. But I'm entering a busy period at work and need to ramp down my outside calls and emails. Maybe we'll connect at the next conference.

And see how he reacts. If he can accept a respectful brush off, maybe he's worth staying in touch with over a long haul. And if he reacts badly, then you shut it down more firmly. Larlo, your phone calls are beginning to make me uncomfortable and I'm going to have to ask you to stop.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I didn't feel good about ghosting and this is a real busy season at my work.

My husband thought I was taking it too seriously until I told him how he was texting suggested places to meet up.

I am not sure how anyone would think I was hitting on them. I sent an email to everyone in the class who gave me their cards and works in DC. I sent an email of just the people who work in our neighborhood about how it was great to connect and support each others as senior managers and I'd love to meet up for coffee or lunch, if their schedule permits. Why would someone take that to mean a romantic interest?

I work with all men in my office. My daily lunch and running buddy is a single man. Never once has he acted inappropriately or made me feel uneasy.

[Anonymous]

you run and eat lunch, alone, with a single man? that’s odd.

[Anonymous]

No it isn't. Folks have work friends.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him it's the busy season at work and you don't have time to talk/text so often -- to me that's the most intrusive thing about the situation. Who has time for that?

You could cancel the lunch, or you could go and then if it gets weird tell him firmly and clearly that you are only interested in professional networking and nothing more. I think if you cancel the lunch because you think he's hitting on you, you should be clear about that unless there's some reason (safety, job security) not to. "Jon, I invited you to lunch as a professional colleague but I get the impression you think I was flirting. If I'm wrong, that's great, but for now I think we should cancel lunch and reduce the frequency of our chats."

[Anonymous]

You ask him to stop. "I'd like you to stop contacting me."

[Anonymous]

I will tell you the same thing I tell my 18 niece. Trust your gut feelings. It doesn't matter what his intentions are--he is making you feel uncomfortable. Cancel lunch and tell him you are too busy with work, life etc.