One set of grandparents jealous about time spent with other set
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Anonymous
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My parents live on the West Coast. They are retired but choose to visit us here only once a year. We visit them once a year (in the summer) for 2 weeks.
Other set of Grandparents lives in New England. We see them more often because it's a 1.5 hour plane ride as opposed to 6 hours. We go up there for a long weekend every 3-4 months. My parents are constantly making snide remarks about how they never see us and how come we spend so much more time with the other Grandparents? All I can manage is a 2 week summer visit out to see them, plane tickets are expensive and vacation time is limited. Also we can't just go out there for 3 days at a time, it is too far. They are retired and have all the time and plenty of money yet they only fly out here once per year., and when they do fly here they only stay for 5 days. Anyone else deal with this? |
Anonymous
| "I'm sorry Mom and Dad that you feel you don't see GC enough. Why don't you come for XX [Thanksgiving, Xmas, MLK weekend]? |
Anonymous
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Part of this is owning your chocies and feeling 100% confidant you are making the correct ones. Then, any "hurt" feeling that still remain, you can IGNORE because it's not your problem.
"Hmm mom, I see how to you it seems we spend more time with them. But really each of you get about 12-14 days a year with the kids, it's just broken up differently throughout the year. If you want to see the kids more, you are welcome to come to us! What are you doing on X week (when the kids have a teacher workday)? We'd all love to see you." Anytime they complain about your visits you need to respond "You see the children a similar amount each year. If you'd like to see them more, you are welcome to visit" |
Anonymous
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You aren't wrong. All of your reasons and logical and valid.
I would do your best to ignore them. Invite them to things even if you know they will decline. Some people choose to be unhappy no matter the circumstance. I bet if you starting flying out to see them more they would find something new to complain about. Every time they make that remark have a response (or a few responses) ready that you can just repeat. Just a simple acknowledgment + a suggestion. If you have to list all of your reasons why each time it is too much. "We miss spending time with you too. We were planning to host Thanksgiving at our house this year, would you be able to join us?" "We would love to see you more. Susie has her school play this spring, would you like to visit then?" "It would be so nice if we lived closer. Maybe on your next visit we can plan a weekend near the beach." |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't deal with it at all. I'd ignore their comments, but I also wouldn't tell them each time we're seeing the other grandparents. |
Anonymous
| Mom, we can visit them on weekends. We spend as much vacation as we have available (2 weeks) to visit you; but we can't come to the west coast just for a weekend. We would love you to see the grandkids more. Please let us know anytime you want to come out and see them and we'll do what we can to make it happen. |
Anonymous
| A long weekend times four versus two weeks at once doesn’t sound like that much of a difference in actual time. |
Anonymous
| Same with ours. I was blunt, "If you would visit more, we would visit more too." |
Anonymous
But I don't think this is the case here. |
Anonymous
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OP, my MIL is local (about 45 minutes away). Some of my family is local, but I also have family a 2 hour plane ride away. My MIL was obsessed with the fact that when we spent Tday or Xmas or a weekend away with my sibling a plane ride away, we spent the night. We never spent the night with her! It was clearly VERY unfair. Even though we did things like, see her for Sunday dinners every month, while my out of town sibling saw us three times a year. That didn't matter. We didn't spend the night so it wasn't FAIR.
My DH even appeased her by having us spend the night at their house. It was fine but so weird because she still usually acted so put out and angry. She had written this narrative in her head about How It Was and how she was getting the shit deal. It honestly didn't matter what we did or said. She'd decided we were unfair so anything we did backed up that view point. It was one of the hardest things we dealt with early in our marriage, since I just couldn't understand why she was SO mean to us, yet claimed to love us so much she wanted to spend MORE time with us. It wasn't about that. She just wanted to be The Most Loved Family, and here was my family, hogging the love. It made me lose serious respect for her. Her snide comments did not make us love her more or want to spend more time with her. Things have gotten better in the last few years, but I think that's mostly because I've had two kids since then and I just don't have the time and energy to worry about her as much. We come when we can, we leave when we need to. We don't spend the night. |
Anonymous
| We deal with this, only it is MIL scorekeeping how much time she gets vs. FIL. We refuse to engage in it. If she complains, we pretend not to hear and change the subject. She gets really bent out of shape when we visit FIL because we'll stay with him. We won't stay with MIL because the house always in the middle of some sort of renovation, her boyfriend smokes inside, and they have cats (DH is deathly allergic!). |
Anonymous
This is basically my MIL. She moved an hour (without traffic) away with visions on her grown kids + grandchild spending every weekend at the "country house"...despite no one ever corroborating that vision. Now, even when we do make it out there (which is awful for its own set of reasons), it's a guilt trip about how long it will be until we come out again. |
Anonymous
| Yup. My MIL moved from her house 20 minutes away in rush hour traffic to a new place 45 minutes away with no traffic. We see her at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and her birthday. My husband schleps out for Mothers Day. I do not. She is obsessed with how much time we spend with my family as a family unit and how much time I spend with them on my own. I learned my lesson long ago. I don't engage. At all. |
Anonymous
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And what do they say when you given them exactly the reasons you quote above? This is a situation where being direct is best. Our families are in Europe, OP. We haven't seen my MIL in 2 years, and the last time was for my FIL's funeral. At least you see your parents at least twice a year. |
Anonymous
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MOM: Oh how NICE for Bob and Madge that they get to see
Larla. Must be nice not to be ignored. YOU: Mom, your comment is rude and uncalled for. It stops now or I'm hanging up. MOM: Well I was just pointing out the obvious. YOU: Let me know when you're ready to be polite. I'm going to hang up now. Bye. Click. |