How to articulate desire to have own child?

[Anonymous]

How do you articulate why you're going through IF treatments, especially multiple cycles/IVF/"pulling out all stops", when people ask "why not just adopt?" How do you answer this question? I have no idea what to say to the question of why I want my "own" child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you articulate why you're going through IF treatments, especially multiple cycles/IVF/"pulling out all stops", when people ask "why not just adopt?" How do you answer this question? I have no idea what to say to the question of why I want my "own" child.

I am not really sure you need respond to that question which I think is a bit rude and maybe should not be asked in the first place?

Nevertheless I suppose it will be asked anyway. I am TTC after a m/c which is why I am lurking on these boards today but have not been through IVF but personally I am a bit of a romantic and I love the idea of making a baby with my husband. I love him and it is really special to see some of him in my DD. mushy but honest.

[Anonymous]

First of all, you do not owe these people an explanation. However, if you want to say something, you can say that you would really like to go through the pregnancy experience and carry your own baby. Also, if you do get pregnant, you have control over the prenatal care that the baby receives.

My niece is adopted, and while we were open to adoption, I did want to try IVF first. There is no pat answer for why we chose IVF, it was just the path for us.

[Anonymous]

Biology.

[Anonymous]

I smile kindly---and say, "You know---the only people I ever hear that question from are those who had absolutely no issues in conceiving their own 2.5 biological children. I used to also think "why go through all of that" until I actually experienced infertility---so really, you don't know how you would feel in my situation unless you've experienced it yourself."

That usually shuts most people up fast.

I also usually explain that adoption takes years, is at least as expensive as infertility treatments like IVF (and significantly more if your IVF is already covered by insurance) and also carries a risk of being on an emotional rollercoaster. The "why don't you just adopt" contingent tends to equate the adoption process as no more complicated than choosing Harris Teeter over Whole Foods.

The following is the best article I've seen regarding the do's and don'ts of talking to someone experiencing infertility.

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

There's no shame in wanting your own biological child. It's also okay not to feel like you have to automatically want to adopt if you are unable to have your own biological child. Making the decision to adopt after experiencing infertility is its own independent thought process.

[Anonymous]

Can you circumvent the question by not discussing with people what you're going through TTC? I would imagine the people you would want to talk to about this are ones that care about you and wouldn't be dumb enough to ask you this question.

[Anonymous]

I got asked the same question in reverse - why did I choose to adopt instead of trying to have "my own" child. I have no good answer for you, OP, but I empathize. Each of us has to figure out how we want to form a family and we shouldn't be called upon to explain. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you articulate why you're going through IF treatments, especially multiple cycles/IVF/"pulling out all stops", when people ask "why not just adopt?" How do you answer this question? I have no idea what to say to the question of why I want my "own" child.

First, I agree with an earlier poster that you should consider whether you are discussing TTC with too many people. If so, you are opening yourself up to people being nosy -- not that it is your fault, but just saying don't open yourself up to the possibility so much. If not, and these are people you are very close to, consider whether they are actually trying to indicate their concern for you -- perhaps they have witnessed particular mental or physical strain this process may putting on you. You could get at this by answering with a question, such as, "Why do you ask?" Third, consider this: do you know the answer to the question? If you feel comfortable in your reasoning, you can "laugh off" other people's rudeness more.

Lastly, there is no need to be snarky or bombastic in response to these questions as one poster suggested. Just reply, "This is the right choice for us at this point," or "We have considered all our options and this is the choice we have made." If they probe further, repeat either response. They will eventually get the picture and stop. And you have avoided rewarding their intrusiveness by sharing even more.

[Anonymous]

I get asked this question all the time...and here are my two answers:

If I feel like being nice: (and not go into explaining my desire to simply have my own kids)

1. "It's a lot more difficult to adopt than you would think it would be."

And if they still press me on the subject...

2. "Well, my husband and I just aren't nice people."

I swear, #2 shuts them up right away and they get the hint that what they are asking is just too complex and personal to provide a simple answer to.

This question used to bother me a lot but after awhile I finally realized that unless you have gone through infertility, people don't really know the "right thing" to say to us. No one really gets it no matter how much you explain it to them. Most people aren't trying to be rude...they just don't fully understand our situation and don't realize that what they are asking is very personal.

[Anonymous]

I LOVE #2 from the PP!

I always say "why do you want to know". push the question back on them. If they say "I'm just curious" I say "this is such a personal issue, I don't feel any need to satify your curiousity". That my sound bitchy but I couldn't care less.

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptive mom and never went through TTC ... that being said I would never question or suggest to a women who is undergoing fertility treatments that she "just adopt" as I believe that the women knows adoption is available and would look into that if she chooses and its not without its own emotional journey either.

On the flip side, I had people ask me why I would want to adopt rather than TTC so it goes both ways and people are just nosey.

I have had women and men tell me outright that they didn't feel they could love an adopted child as much as a biological child.

[Anonymous]

Since I am a single women TTC'ing, I get this all the time. You would be surprised at how people's personal beliefs come out when you tell them that you WANT to conceive as a single women. Some people even suggest that I go out and have a one-night stand . . . I usually quote the most recent HIV statistic as a reply. Basically, people are just clueless if it is not their particular pair of shoes.

P.S. I come from a family with over 60 percent of the members being adopted. We have just as many good stories as bad stories.