Manipulating grandma

[Anonymous]

My mom is trying to manipulate our child into spending the night, and I'm a little annoyed.

Let me preface by saying that our child spent the night with my parents six times over this past summer, and we visited with them on top of that. We saw them in some capacity almost every week. For obvious reasons, it is harder during the school year. My mom got upset last week because she hasn't had a sleepover since school started. I told her she probably won't until a break in school, because for one, my mom won't follow bedtime rules, and it takes a couple days for our child to bounce back (she still requires a lot of sleep - we have to follow a pretty strict bedtime schedule on weekends.) Secondly, we just have a lot going on during the school year. I explained all of this to my mom this weekend. We have a Professional Development day in November, and she is more than welcome to have her overnight then.

Well, we saw them for dinner this weekend. My daughter today, on the way to SACC told me that, on Saturday, my mom pulled her into a room and begged her to tell us she wanted a sleepover, because SHE really wants a sleepover soon.

I'm not sure how to handle this one. Part of me wants to say something like, "Stop manipulating our child buy guilt tripping her!" And another part wants me to just ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd tell your mom that her behavior is really inappropriate, and if you hear about anything like that again, there won't be any sleepovers for the rest of the year. Period. Your mom needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

As people grow older they start acting more and more insane, and more child like. How old is your mom and your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd tell your mom that her behavior is really inappropriate, and if you hear about anything like that again, there won't be any sleepovers for the rest of the year. Period. Your mom needs to grow up.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'd confront. "Please do not put Janie in the middle of this discussion, that's not fair to her. By attempting to put her in the middle you are showing me you don't have her best interests at heart and this really concerns me".

This has boundary stomping all over it. I'd tread lightly if you otherwise have a good relationship, but ugh, that's annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd tell your mom that her behavior is really inappropriate, and if you hear about anything like that again, there won't be any sleepovers for the rest of the year. Period. Your mom needs to grow up.

+1

+2. My grandparents did this kind of thing and even though I absolutely loved them, it still made me upset. I would feel so awful if I wasn't able to give them whatever they were begging for and I started feeling like I was failing them so then I started avoiding them like the plague. It backfired on them terribly since what they wanted was more time with me and they ended up getting the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd confront. "Please do not put Janie in the middle of this discussion, that's not fair to her. By attempting to put her in the middle you are showing me you don't have her best interests at heart and this really concerns me".

This has boundary stomping all over it. I'd tread lightly if you otherwise have a good relationship, but ugh, that's annoying.

We do! This is my issue. She just doesn't get that during the school year, weekends are for r&r. The week takes a lot out of our daughter.

Another issue is that my mom isn't into just visiting or taking DD for an outing; for whatever reason, that doesn't satiate her. I have no issue with her coming and getting her after school or on the weekend and bringing her back by bedtime, or coming for dinner. But she insists on these sleepovers, and isn't happy until she has them. I don't get it, because I NEVER spent the night anywhere as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd tell your mom that her behavior is really inappropriate, and if you hear about anything like that again, there won't be any sleepovers for the rest of the year. Period. Your mom needs to grow up.

+1

+2. My grandparents did this kind of thing and even though I absolutely loved them, it still made me upset. I would feel so awful if I wasn't able to give them whatever they were begging for and I started feeling like I was failing them so then I started avoiding them like the plague. It backfired on them terribly since what they wanted was more time with me and they ended up getting the opposite.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd confront. "Please do not put Janie in the middle of this discussion, that's not fair to her. By attempting to put her in the middle you are showing me you don't have her best interests at heart and this really concerns me".

This has boundary stomping all over it. I'd tread lightly if you otherwise have a good relationship, but ugh, that's annoying.

We do! This is my issue. She just doesn't get that during the school year, weekends are for r&r. The week takes a lot out of our daughter.

Another issue is that my mom isn't into just visiting or taking DD for an outing; for whatever reason, that doesn't satiate her. I have no issue with her coming and getting her after school or on the weekend and bringing her back by bedtime, or coming for dinner. But she insists on these sleepovers, and isn't happy until she has them. I don't get it, because I NEVER spent the night anywhere as a child.

She considers your child an extension of you. She wants you to continue sleeping there nightly as you always did. So she's being inappropriate. Just address it and move along. Reward your child for letting you know the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd confront. "Please do not put Janie in the middle of this discussion, that's not fair to her. By attempting to put her in the middle you are showing me you don't have her best interests at heart and this really concerns me".

This has boundary stomping all over it. I'd tread lightly if you otherwise have a good relationship, but ugh, that's annoying.

We do! This is my issue. She just doesn't get that during the school year, weekends are for r&r. The week takes a lot out of our daughter.

Another issue is that my mom isn't into just visiting or taking DD for an outing; for whatever reason, that doesn't satiate her. I have no issue with her coming and getting her after school or on the weekend and bringing her back by bedtime, or coming for dinner. But she insists on these sleepovers, and isn't happy until she has them. I don't get it, because I NEVER spent the night anywhere as a child.

She considers your child an extension of you. She wants you to continue sleeping there nightly as you always did. So she's being inappropriate. Just address it and move along. Reward your child for letting you know the truth.

+1 My mother does similarly inappropriate things. But I think it's an age thing, because I don't remember her being so difficult when I was young. In any case, I've started to recognize that at her age, I can't change her.

[Anonymous]

People get crazier as they get older. My MIL is the exception, and has stayed very sane... but her health is not good, sadly.

So you ignore your mother; you commend your child for having explained the situation; and you tell her that what Grandma wants is not possible right now.

[Anonymous]

To child:

Thank you for telling me about grandma. That must have been hard. I am glad that you know that any time anyone makes you uncomfortable, you can talk to me and that NO adult should EVER have a secret with you that I can't know about. If that happens again, you can tell grandma she should talk to me and leave the room. You don't even have to be polite if someone is making you uncomfortable.

(This is a major safety issue)

To grandma:

It is completely inappropriate to put my child in the middle of a disagreement and especially to pressure her and expect her to keep it secret. Because you did this, we are taking a break from overnights to limit your influence. We can revisit this topic over the Christmas holidays if you have demonstrated respect for appropriate boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To child:

Thank you for telling me about grandma. That must have been hard. I am glad that you know that any time anyone makes you uncomfortable, you can talk to me and that NO adult should EVER have a secret with you that I can't know about. If that happens again, you can tell grandma she should talk to me and leave the room. You don't even have to be polite if someone is making you uncomfortable.

(This is a major safety issue)

To grandma:

It is completely inappropriate to put my child in the middle of a disagreement and especially to pressure her and expect her to keep it secret. Because you did this, we are taking a break from overnights to limit your influence. We can revisit this topic over the Christmas holidays if you have demonstrated respect for appropriate boundaries.

This is OP, and this is sound advice.

I've been worried about their relationship and boundaries for a while. My mom will ask to take DD on walks "alone" often. She really likes to "sneak off" with our DD often (like when she cornered her in the other room.) Now my concerns are confirmed. I wasn't sure if this was a serious violation. I now see it may have been. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To child:

Thank you for telling me about grandma. That must have been hard. I am glad that you know that any time anyone makes you uncomfortable, you can talk to me and that NO adult should EVER have a secret with you that I can't know about. If that happens again, you can tell grandma she should talk to me and leave the room. You don't even have to be polite if someone is making you uncomfortable.

(This is a major safety issue)

To grandma:

It is completely inappropriate to put my child in the middle of a disagreement and especially to pressure her and expect her to keep it secret. Because you did this, we are taking a break from overnights to limit your influence. We can revisit this topic over the Christmas holidays if you have demonstrated respect for appropriate boundaries.

This is OP, and this is sound advice.

I've been worried about their relationship and boundaries for a while. My mom will ask to take DD on walks "alone" often. She really likes to "sneak off" with our DD often (like when she cornered her in the other room.) Now my concerns are confirmed. I wasn't sure if this was a serious violation. I now see it may have been. Thanks!

I think it's annoying but I don't know that I'd call it a "serious violation." Your mom is being a brat, but it's not like she is endangering your daughter or molesting her, right? So what if she wants to have alone time with her? Unless your daughter doesn't want that, what's the harm? The bond between grandparent and grandchild can be very special.

My MIL does similar stuff with my son, but he's only 3 so we haven't let him stay at her place. She will say to him, while looking at me, "Larlo, tell mommy that when she's ready, you want to stay overnight with Grandma." He doesn't even know what staying overnight means. Whatever. It annoys me but in the end the power is mine -- he's not staying over there until I feel comfortable, which won't be for another year or so. I do let her take him out for lunch or ice cream or for walks on her own or whatever. I don't mind that she wants time alone with him, as long as he doesn't hate it. I'm just not ready for him to spend the night at her house. (And she has stayed with him overnight at our house when we've gone away.)