Grandparents of SN grandchildren

[Anonymous]

Please help me plan this opportunity so I don't blow it. My father told my mom not to help with my other kids when my 3 yo son was in the hospital 3 years ago for almost 4 months with epilepsy. Now my mom has convinced him to come to a session of family therapy. What should I say to him? He has no regrets about his behavior, as he believes he has never made a mistake in his life. He has lost many jobs and always blames someone else. He's extremely selfish and needy, and my mom is a classic enabler. He shows no interest in my SN kid and almost no interest in my other 2, who are 10 and 14.

[Anonymous]

Forget it. I wouldn't bother. Accept him for who he is and do the best you can.

[Anonymous]

op: You may be right but for now I see it as an opportunity.

[Anonymous]

What is the purpose of this family therapy session, and what are you hoping to get out of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: You may be right but for now I see it as an opportunity.

From what you have posted, I would say he needs some personal therapy before he will be able to get anything out of family therapy.

[Anonymous]

op: He says I'm an angry and ungrateful daughter. I want him to understand how much I do for my family, since he recognizes only his own contributions (which, to my family, have been nil).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: He says I'm an angry and ungrateful daughter. I want him to understand how much I do for my family, since he recognizes only his own contributions (which, to my family, have been nil).

Sounds like my dad. I just ignore him and his comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: He says I'm an angry and ungrateful daughter. I want him to understand how much I do for my family, since he recognizes only his own contributions (which, to my family, have been nil).

I think you need to keep your expectations reasonable, OP. He's not going to change how he sees you or give you the validation you need. Will you feel better if you say your piece even if he denies it? If not, I would reconsider doing this session because I fear it's only going to bring you more pain. Would the therapist be open to having a one-on-one session with you before the family session? That might be helpful in preparing yourself.

[Anonymous]

op: I started individual therapy last year. My therapist encouraged family therapy. My mom agreed and we started about 2 months ago. Big surprise that Dad is going to join us this week (before I see my therapist, unfortunately, because I need to prepare). My therapist has suggested that I pick a couple of concrete things to request. I'm thinking 1) please allow Mom to visit us sometimes, 2) please accommodate school schedules, and consult us first, when planning these visits, and 3) if you visit, please show interest in my kids.

[Anonymous]

op: My mom found the family therapist. We do the sessions by phone (different cities). Mom and Dad will be in the room with the family therapist. I haven't met her in person but we've met by phone several times in the sessions with my mom.

[Anonymous]

Why does he need to show interest in your kids?

[Anonymous]

op: I am hurt that he doesn't show interest in my kids. He doesn't have to. But then again, I don't have to show any interest in him either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: I am hurt that he doesn't show interest in my kids. He doesn't have to. But then again, I don't have to show any interest in him either.

OP, I would suggest picking your battles here based on what you know to be true of your parents. You want your mom to be allowed to visit, but since you know he's selfish and controlling and she's enabling, what do you think the odds are he's going to let her visit without him coming too? If he's going to insist on coming with your mom if she's visits, which is more important to you -- that she/they come at all, or that he engages with your children while he's there? If you can't have both, are you okay with your mom not visiting at all, or can you tolerate him coming but not engaging with your kids.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you will get much out of these phone in sessions. He wants Mom for himself. He thinks that you are a grown up and can deal with life without their support. He will not hear you, I am afraid.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to work on accepting the things you cannot change. I really think that in this situation, you cannot get your dad to be a source of support for you. I see sadness here out of one session of therapy with someone this primitive and cruel. I wish you the best but I hope you will protect yourself.