My kid just called me a homophobe

[Anonymous]

Or, would you provide a "binder" for someone else's child?

My 14 YO DD is gay and gender non conforming. I've been supportive, take child to therapist and respect new name she has chosen (she hasn't rejected female prononuns as of yet). She lately has taken to wearing a binder. I assume most in this forum know what that is but just in case, it's like a very tight sports bra that flattens the breasts to achieve a less female/more masculine body shape. The first binder DD got was too small; I purchased one for her that fits.

DD asked me for the old binder so she can give it to a friend at school. I had thrown it out as it doesn't fit anyone else in the family. DD's says Friend wants to wear a binder but friend's parents are not supportive. They are "Homophobic" or so my daughter says. I said I'm sorry but I'm not providing a binder to someone else's child. That's a private matter between friend and friend's parents.

Setting aside who owns the old, too-small binder; am I crazy for thinking I shouldn't be providing underwear to other people's teenagers? Especially transition wear to a kid whose parents aren't supportive?

If the friend wanted thongs (just because they make her feel good) I wouldn't provide them. Or if she wanted another prohibited garment (that her parents prohibited) I wouldn't provide it.

My DD says I am supporting homophobic behavior on the part of the other parents. Please reality check me DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Is your dd asking you to get another one to give to the friend? If so, I agree with you, even though I completely disagree with the friends parents. It's not your place. The friend could get one on her own if she wanted to, right? Are they insanely expensive or a specialty item of some sort? If not, I would think that if the friend wanted to go against her parents wishes, she can be defiant all on her own and doesn't need the help of her friends' parents.

If you still had the old one, I probably would have let dd do whatever she wanted with it. If dd gave the old one to a friend, it's not like you were the one stepping in and providing it to another child as a parent. No different than a girl giving a friend a bra that didn't fit her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Isn't it a moot point since you already threw it out?

I do think buying clothing for someone else's child, particularly undergarments, is overstepping.

If it had still been in your DD's drawer and she gave it to the friend, that would be more in line with normal teen friendships.

FWIW, I had a friend in HS who used to bind her breasts with an ace bandage, but just because they were huge and clothes didn't fit well.

[Anonymous]

It's in the trash. Dad wants to dig it out.

[Anonymous]

First reality check:
Don't take to heart every insult your child throws at you.

Second reality check:
Don't automatically believe your child is gay and gender-non-comforming (what a mouthful) just because they declare it to be so.

Obviously you're not going to give a binder to someone else.

It's equally obvious that it's the fashion nowadays to try on these different gender identities. Harmless if humored, but don't take them too seriously and don't allow medications or surgeries.

I would require an apology for being called a homophobe, but then I tend to be strict. My teens aren't allowed to talk back and they have lots of other expectations to fulfill. You do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
First reality check:
Don't take to heart every insult your child throws at you.

Second reality check:
Don't automatically believe your child is gay and gender-non-comforming (what a mouthful) just because they declare it to be so.

Obviously you're not going to give a binder to someone else.

It's equally obvious that it's the fashion nowadays to try on these different gender identities. Harmless if humored, but don't take them too seriously and don't allow medications or surgeries.

I would require an apology for being called a homophobe, but then I tend to be strict. My teens aren't allowed to talk back and they have lots of other expectations to fulfill. You do you.

. I agree with you. -op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's in the trash. Dad wants to dig it out.

Ah. I see. So did the issue of the friend needing it just come up because you were getting rid of the old one?

Yeah, I'd probably dig it out and give "back to your daughter" and at that point she can do what she pleases with it. Just like she'll give some lucky younger recipient her drivers license one day, she should have the freedom to decide when to bend or break the rules as she figures out her own moral compass. Hooking up a peer when it's pushing moral boundaries is a teenage right of passage. Makes us stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's in the trash. Dad wants to dig it out.

Then let her dig it out and wash it and give it away. It's not on you then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's in the trash. Dad wants to dig it out.

Then let her dig it out and wash it and give it away. It's not on you then.

Agree with this. Also agree with not taking to heart insults from a 14 yo.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you. It's not appropriate to give the binder to another kid whose parents don't approve. Also, er, technically, homophobia has to do with sexual orientation, not gender identity.

[Anonymous]

I really, really hope you're aware of the very serious health effects of binding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or, would you provide a "binder" for someone else's child?

My 14 YO DD is gay and gender non conforming. I've been supportive, take child to therapist and respect new name she has chosen (she hasn't rejected female prononuns as of yet). She lately has taken to wearing a binder. I assume most in this forum know what that is but just in case, it's like a very tight sports bra that flattens the breasts to achieve a less female/more masculine body shape. The first binder DD got was too small; I purchased one for her that fits.

DD asked me for the old binder so she can give it to a friend at school. I had thrown it out as it doesn't fit anyone else in the family. DD's says Friend wants to wear a binder but friend's parents are not supportive. They are "Homophobic" or so my daughter says. I said I'm sorry but I'm not providing a binder to someone else's child. That's a private matter between friend and friend's parents.

Setting aside who owns the old, too-small binder; am I crazy for thinking I shouldn't be providing underwear to other people's teenagers? Especially transition wear to a kid whose parents aren't supportive?

If the friend wanted thongs (just because they make her feel good) I wouldn't provide them. Or if she wanted another prohibited garment (that her parents prohibited) I wouldn't provide it.

My DD says I am supporting homophobic behavior on the part of the other parents. Please reality check me DCUM.

you are allowing your child to manipulate you and she will continue to push you because sh e knows you will do as she wants

[Anonymous]

Your kid sounds like she is being a brat and a typical manipulative teenager.

Tell her no and that she owes you an apology. Then explain to her how throwing around terms like homophobic towards someone and a situation that truly are not cheapens and minimizes the true meaning and implication of the word.

She is the one in the wrong here and needs to be taught a life lesson.

[Anonymous]

WTH is a binder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTH is a binder?

OP explained it. It's a compression device, often like a sports bra, used to minimize breasts.

OP, I don't get why you're refusing to let DD pass the binder on to someone else. What if DD had a friend who needed a bra, but her parents felt like she was too young to wear a bra. Would you allow DD to pass a bra on to her friend in that situation?