Socially Inept Spouse

[Anonymous]

My spouse is ridiculously socially awkward. To the point where several people close to me have mentioned it. He often says things that others find offensive, but seems to be clueless about it, and brushes it off once it's brought to his attention that he's hurt someone's feelings. Anyone deal with this? Do you just suck it up?

[Anonymous]

What does he say to people?

[Anonymous]

My husband comes from a family of Asperger's people. He is socially clueless, but since he is introverted and doesn't say much, it doesn't actually show until you get to know him.

I have had to sit him down and really explain it to him. Every year. Break down each interaction into manageable steps and tell him exactly what words he could have said or what gesture, etc, he could have done which would have made it better.

It could be your spouse has ADHD, not Aspie tendencies - if he has no filter and is impulsive, it will get worse with age, so he needs to know and perhaps, if there are other symptoms you don't alike, he could be medicated for it (such as tardiness, hyperactivity, clumsiness, difficulty organizing and managing long projects).

[Anonymous]

You're just noticing this now, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes from a family of Asperger's people. He is socially clueless, but since he is introverted and doesn't say much, it doesn't actually show until you get to know him.

I have had to sit him down and really explain it to him. Every year. Break down each interaction into manageable steps and tell him exactly what words he could have said or what gesture, etc, he could have done which would have made it better.

It could be your spouse has ADHD, not Aspie tendencies - if he has no filter and is impulsive, it will get worse with age, so he needs to know and perhaps, if there are other symptoms you don't alike, he could be medicated for it (such as tardiness, hyperactivity, clumsiness, difficulty organizing and managing long projects).

You sound terrible.

[Anonymous]

OP, please post your marriage vows. I can then give advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes from a family of Asperger's people. He is socially clueless, but since he is introverted and doesn't say much, it doesn't actually show until you get to know him.

I have had to sit him down and really explain it to him. Every year. Break down each interaction into manageable steps and tell him exactly what words he could have said or what gesture, etc, he could have done which would have made it better.

It could be your spouse has ADHD, not Aspie tendencies - if he has no filter and is impulsive, it will get worse with age, so he needs to know and perhaps, if there are other symptoms you don't alike, he could be medicated for it (such as tardiness, hyperactivity, clumsiness, difficulty organizing and managing long projects).

You don't have a husband. You have a mentally challenged child you babysit.

[Anonymous]

My DH looks so unapproachable but is very friendly. I just focus on him and my family and a few close friends. I wish we could be more social but in the end I am grateful as I have my book club, kids swim team, old friends etc. He has close good friends but they live overseas.

[Anonymous]

I think with close family and friends, in particular, it is valuable to state it. When you have their attention, actually say it. Say, that for whatever reason, he is socially awkward. Say that sometimes he says things that others find offensive, but seems to be clueless about it. Say it. Say it to them in a serious manner. Once they've heard it from you, they will be more understanding for today or the future.

[Anonymous]

It is totally possible to realize this after getting married.

I wish I could just suck it up.

. At best, I play off of it as though it's a joke. That calms people and sort of paints it in a good light and generally people relax. But it has taken time for me to get there.

[Anonymous]

My ex-DH was like this. He probably is on the spectrum, though he refused to pursue diagnosis or acknowledge the impact on others. He pretty much things it's the rest of the world (including me) who had the problem.

I didn't mind "helping" him socially. The issue that ultimately caused me to leave him was that it was part of a bigger picture that looks a lot like narcissism. Some people saw him as haughty or clueless or arrogant, I thought a saw a sweet inner core. I was projecting a lot. He really has trouble with basic empathy--simply understanding that people who feel differently than he about something may have valid opinions.

This was laid out starkly when we had children. He put his needs above theirs. It shouldn't have been a shock to me but it was.

Sadly, he wants a connection with other people and wants to be social. He just wants it on his terms and basically doesn't know how to go about the whole thing well.

[Anonymous]

what attracted you to him? was he like this when you were dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes from a family of Asperger's people. He is socially clueless, but since he is introverted and doesn't say much, it doesn't actually show until you get to know him.

I have had to sit him down and really explain it to him. Every year. Break down each interaction into manageable steps and tell him exactly what words he could have said or what gesture, etc, he could have done which would have made it better.

It could be your spouse has ADHD, not Aspie tendencies - if he has no filter and is impulsive, it will get worse with age, so he needs to know and perhaps, if there are other symptoms you don't alike, he could be medicated for it (such as tardiness, hyperactivity, clumsiness, difficulty organizing and managing long projects).

You don't have a husband. You have a mentally challenged child you babysit.

Except that he has an MD and a PhD and may find a cure for the cancer you or a loved one will develop later in life!

Broaden your horizons, PPs who responded to my post. It takes all kinds of people to make this world go round.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes from a family of Asperger's people. He is socially clueless, but since he is introverted and doesn't say much, it doesn't actually show until you get to know him.

I have had to sit him down and really explain it to him. Every year. Break down each interaction into manageable steps and tell him exactly what words he could have said or what gesture, etc, he could have done which would have made it better.

It could be your spouse has ADHD, not Aspie tendencies - if he has no filter and is impulsive, it will get worse with age, so he needs to know and perhaps, if there are other symptoms you don't alike, he could be medicated for it (such as tardiness, hyperactivity, clumsiness, difficulty organizing and managing long projects).

You don't have a husband. You have a mentally challenged child you babysit.

Except that he has an MD and a PhD and may find a cure for the cancer you or a loved one will develop later in life!

Broaden your horizons, PPs who responded to my post. It takes all kinds of people to make this world go round.

Your DH sounds fine. It's you who sounds unbearable.