Can't there be more to life than this?

[Anonymous]

Before my youngest left for college a year ago I dreaded being an empty nester. My husband is a good father and provider but we have really been no closer than roommates for the last ten or so years. We went through counseling a few years ago which helped clarify things but not much has changed. We both work and have different interests for how we use our free time and rarely spend time together. I had hoped that when we became empty nesters last year that we'd spend more time together but it hasn't happened. I don't believe he's been unfaithful and I haven't been. There is just no connection and I know my children see it. Divorce pains me because it's an admittance of failure but I'm only 52 and seeing a life ahead of me that is a continuation of the one I'm living depresses me. It's not a terrible marriage, it's just not a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Starts with you OP. Plan some awesome adventures. Take a class. Join a club. Offer him to join: if he does, great. If he doesn't, great.

[Roar]

PP spot on. I'm 51 and travel a lot, often by myself. Introducing myself in a strange setting no longer scares me. The confidence you'll feel will become an elixir. Either it will rub off on him or it will carry you through. Make that bucket list and start getting it done!

[Anonymous]

When was the last time you two had sex? Kissed? Touched each other in a romantic way?

[Anonymous]

I'm 52 and pretty much feel like you do, OP, although we have kids at home for 3 more years. My solution is to invest more time in my own interests, always inviting husband along but not being miffed if he declines, or worse, opting not to do what I want because husband doesn't want to do them, and just wants to sit around.

[Anonymous]

Were you one of those couples who devoted all their energies to the kids because kids come FIRST !!! and thought everything would snap back to newlywed stage after the kids moved out despite decades of not nurturing your relationship as a couple?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before my youngest left for college a year ago I dreaded being an empty nester. My husband is a good father and provider but we have really been no closer than roommates for the last ten or so years. We went through counseling a few years ago which helped clarify things but not much has changed. We both work and have different interests for how we use our free time and rarely spend time together. I had hoped that when we became empty nesters last year that we'd spend more time together but it hasn't happened. I don't believe he's been unfaithful and I haven't been. There is just no connection and I know my children see it. Divorce pains me because it's an admittance of failure but I'm only 52 and seeing a life ahead of me that is a continuation of the one I'm living depresses me. It's not a terrible marriage, it's just not a marriage.

Nope, it's not an admittance of failure. You'd really rather be miserable and than admit that your marriage isn't fulfilling?

[Anonymous]

Why did you fall in love with him all those years ago (or - were you ever in love with him)?

[Anonymous]

divorce him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you one of those couples who devoted all their energies to the kids because kids come FIRST !!! and thought everything would snap back to newlywed stage after the kids moved out despite decades of not nurturing your relationship as a couple?

Yep. Exhibit A as to why I firmly believe that nurturing your relationship and marriage to your spouse should always be the #1 priority and everything else will naturally flow from it and likely harmonize. This is what happens when you neglect your spouse. You're left with nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you one of those couples who devoted all their energies to the kids because kids come FIRST !!! and thought everything would snap back to newlywed stage after the kids moved out despite decades of not nurturing your relationship as a couple?

OP here - we definitely devoted ourselves to our children and like I said, my DH is a very good father. I didn't think our relationship would snap back to where it was when we first got married but I hoped that we would make some progress in that direction. I tried to encourage it, especially in the bedroom, but DH showed no interest. I do know empty nester couples who seem do seem to spend a huge amount of time apart but I don't fully understand why. Are they like us and is this how they deal with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you one of those couples who devoted all their energies to the kids because kids come FIRST !!! and thought everything would snap back to newlywed stage after the kids moved out despite decades of not nurturing your relationship as a couple?

OP here - we definitely devoted ourselves to our children and like I said, my DH is a very good father. I didn't think our relationship would snap back to where it was when we first got married but I hoped that we would make some progress in that direction. I tried to encourage it, especially in the bedroom, but DH showed no interest. I do know empty nester couples who seem do seem to spend a huge amount of time apart but I don't fully understand why. Are they like us and is this how they deal with it?

I think plenty of couples are satisfied with their separate lives and find sexual satisfaction, if they want it, elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you one of those couples who devoted all their energies to the kids because kids come FIRST !!! and thought everything would snap back to newlywed stage after the kids moved out despite decades of not nurturing your relationship as a couple?

OP here - we definitely devoted ourselves to our children and like I said, my DH is a very good father. I didn't think our relationship would snap back to where it was when we first got married but I hoped that we would make some progress in that direction. I tried to encourage it, especially in the bedroom, but DH showed no interest. I do know empty nester couples who seem do seem to spend a huge amount of time apart but I don't fully understand why. Are they like us and is this how they deal with it?

Is he having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you one of those couples who devoted all their energies to the kids because kids come FIRST !!! and thought everything would snap back to newlywed stage after the kids moved out despite decades of not nurturing your relationship as a couple?

OP here - we definitely devoted ourselves to our children and like I said, my DH is a very good father. I didn't think our relationship would snap back to where it was when we first got married but I hoped that we would make some progress in that direction. I tried to encourage it, especially in the bedroom, but DH showed no interest. I do know empty nester couples who seem do seem to spend a huge amount of time apart but I don't fully understand why. Are they like us and is this how they deal with it?

Is he having an affair?

I can't be absolutely sure but there are no signs that he is having an affair. But the wife is the last to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you one of those couples who devoted all their energies to the kids because kids come FIRST !!! and thought everything would snap back to newlywed stage after the kids moved out despite decades of not nurturing your relationship as a couple?

OP here - we definitely devoted ourselves to our children and like I said, my DH is a very good father. I didn't think our relationship would snap back to where it was when we first got married but I hoped that we would make some progress in that direction. I tried to encourage it, especially in the bedroom, but DH showed no interest. I do know empty nester couples who seem do seem to spend a huge amount of time apart but I don't fully understand why. Are they like us and is this how they deal with it?

Is he having an affair?

I can't be absolutely sure but there are no signs that he is having an affair. But the wife is the last to know.

What about this?