Guilt. Is it me?
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Anonymous
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My DD is 19 months old and I work 38.5 hours a week, four days a week. Every Friday, it is just DD and me - and I devoted the full day to her (ie not on the phone or dealing with work at all). Every weekend, it is DD, DH and me and we always have fun stuff planned for her. Monday thru Thursday, DD is with an amazing and EXPENSIVE nanny who was a former preschool teacher and has a MA in Childhood Development. Aside from the fact that nanny fills DD's days with classes, story times, reading, play-dates and excursions, Nanny loves her and DD loves her nanny. DD runs to the nanny on Monday morning and never cries when I leave for work. DD is exceeding all milestones and is speaking in full sentences. She also loves to read (thanks to the nanny who has read to her and narrated for her since birth). I love my daughter and read every book I can find on child development and use what I agree with. I really try to be a good mother.
And yet, I feel guilty. It has never been part of my personality to feel a lot of guilt about my relationships or my decisions. But one comment from another mother about "I could never leave my baby" or "I gave up my career to stay home" devastates me. Intellectually I know that DD is better with the nanny four days a week because of the nanny's experience and structure and I know that 38.5 hours a week is not a lot of time to be away from DD but emotionally... I just feel guilty. Is it society or is it me? |
Anonymous
| It's you. |
Anonymous
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It's both. People say really awful things to mothers who work outside the home, things that they would never say to fathers who work outside the home.
If your baby is healthy and happy, then you have no reason to feel guilty. |
Anonymous
Very helpful 
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Anonymous
| If it really bothers you a lot, can you cut down your work hours? Comments from other mothers are irrelevant - we all make our own choices based on our own families, but sometimes choices come with a price. Is this something that you will regret forever?? Can you financially get away with working less? |
Anonymous
This. A father can do anything and when he does show up with his child, society fawns all over him. A father doing his daughter's hair in the morning circulated all over the internet last year with people raving about what a great Dad he was. A mother as breadwinner for her entire family is thought to be a bad mother. |
Anonymous
She is working four days a week! 38.5 hours a week! That is nothing and you want her to work less?! |
Anonymous
| You also need to cultivate some interests outside of your child. Planning every moment around her isn't healthy for you, her, or your family. The mothers I knew that felt the most "guilt" were the ones that didn't have anything else of importance to them other than their children, since they weren't happy they felt it was guilt. |
Anonymous
I[u] don't work her to work less. 38.5 hours a week is only 1.5 hours shy of full time, not sure why you say it's "nothing". If she's really unhappy and has a lot of guilt over not spending enough time with her child, cutting hours if financially feasible is a perfectly good thing to consider!! |
Anonymous
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I work a similar schedule, I WOH M-Th and both boys (2.5 and almost-1) are with our amazing nanny from 7:30am-5:30pm on those days. I feel awful that we barely get family time on those nights, but they are 100% with me on "Mommy Fridays" and on weekends as a family. I try to plan fun stuff, but now that there are 2 of them and DS2 is now mobile (and because it's HOT), that usually just means going to the mall and running around, or going to a bounce house for a few hours.
My guilt comes when I hear them sing a song I didn't teach them or when our nanny sends me pictures of fun stuff they're doing while I'm at work. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that they are so incredibly loved and have such fun without me, but it does hit me with guilt. But I also know I need to work, I have a great job and couldn't be a SAHM for both financial and my sanity reasons (usually by Sunday evenings I'm so ready to go back to work!). I won't tell you "it gets better", OP, but just know you're doing a great job if your DS is happy, confident, and loved. |
Anonymous
| It is society, OP. I stayed home with DD for the first year and then took her to six hour a day daycare at the university where I was finishing grad school. I got the same type of comments. When DD turned three and I went to work and DH started grad school, he dropped her off and picked her up - and everyone fawned over DH, telling him what a great Dad he was and how adorable it was to see how devoted he was to his daughter. WTF!!! |
Anonymous
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You're fine, OP. Many working moms would say you're living the dream.
That said, if you don't *feel* fine, a bit of therapy might help. It helped me with similar feelings--that my life was good, but why am I not content? Zoloft helps too. |
Anonymous
| Why on earth do you feel guilty and not proud? You found the nanny, your DD is doing great, don't think any kid would be doing as well with the same nanny, some might do as well, less and some more. And your mental health might benefit from not spending all that time being a SAHM. Honestly, you are doing great, imo. |
Anonymous
Zero guilt here from mom of an 18 month old DD with a similar schedule to yours, except I DO work Fridays and my daughter is at daycare. And I sometimes get a sitter for a few hours on the weekends to go work out if my husband is traveling.  Do I miss her during the week? On occasion. But we spend a lot of time together and I feel totally bonded with her.
Your kid is fine. If you don't think she is or you feel like you're missing out, quit work and stay home with her. |
Anonymous
| When I feel this way, I try to think of things objectively, not subjectively/emotionally. Kind of like looking from the outside in at your own life. My first question to myself is "Is my kid happy and thriving?". If the answer is yes then the guilt dissipates. If the answer is ever no, then I reevaluate. |