Retired Parents driving me crazy...

[Anonymous]

I'm close to my parents and grateful for that but they really don't understand my money concerns at all. I just finished writing them the last $4,000 check for a $20,000 downpayment loan they gave me (happy to do it and grateful they extended a hand), on top of feteing them at my housewarming (stocked the fridge with their favorites, took them out to restaurants w/ reservations, got concert tickets).

I can't tell you how supportive they've been, but they can't seem to get that my money isn't endless. They're demanding I fly to a generational baby shower next month and to be frank - I'm exhausted.

[Anonymous]

What a strange post. What does repaying them money that they lent you have to do with anything? That's a separate issue than demanding that you fly somewhere or take them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a strange post. What does repaying them money that they lent you have to do with anything? That's a separate issue than demanding that you fly somewhere or take them out.

The issue is that this is an expense I'm paying in rapid succession to the restaurants, concerts, and flights. The money for that loan didn't come out of nowhere - I had to earn it. If I'd had it before I closed I wouldn't have had to ask them for the help.

[Anonymous]

What a strange post. What does repaying them money that they lent you have to do with anything? That's a separate issue than demanding that you fly somewhere or take them out.


The issue is that this is an expense I'm paying in rapid succession to the restaurants, concerts, and flights. The money for that loan didn't come out of nowhere - I had to earn it. If I'd had it before I closed I wouldn't have had to ask them for the help.

That's not their problem. However, if you can't afford to take them out to dinner, or to a concert, don't do it. Host them at home. If you are close enough with them to borrow $20K, you're close enough to tell them the truth about what you can and cannot afford to treat them to.

[Anonymous]

Tell them no, you cannot afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm close to my parents and grateful for that but they really don't understand my money concerns at all. I just finished writing them the last $4,000 check for a $20,000 downpayment loan they gave me (happy to do it and grateful they extended a hand), on top of feteing them at my housewarming (stocked the fridge with their favorites, took them out to restaurants w/ reservations, got concert tickets).

I can't tell you how supportive they've been, but they can't seem to get that my money isn't endless. They're demanding I fly to a generational baby shower next month and to be frank - I'm exhausted.

#1 $4000 check: you were repaying money you owed them -- required

#2 "feteing them" when they visited: your responsibility as host/ess include feeding and entertaining within your means and to a certain comfort level -- required

#3 baby shower: I don't understand the reference to "generational" but a baby shower usually is a pretty important event for most families -- optional

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm close to my parents and grateful for that but they really don't understand my money concerns at all. I just finished writing them the last $4,000 check for a $20,000 downpayment loan they gave me (happy to do it and grateful they extended a hand), on top of feteing them at my housewarming (stocked the fridge with their favorites, took them out to restaurants w/ reservations, got concert tickets).

I can't tell you how supportive they've been, but they can't seem to get that my money isn't endless. They're demanding I fly to a generational baby shower next month and to be frank - I'm exhausted.

#1 $4000 check: you were repaying money you owed them -- required

#2 "feteing them" when they visited: your responsibility as host/ess include feeding and entertaining within your means and to a certain comfort level -- required

#3 baby shower: I don't understand the reference to "generational" but a baby shower usually is a pretty important event for most families -- optional

Perfect analysis and I actually agree. Something that I didn't mention is that all of this (last payment, housewarming etc) is all happening within a 2 month timeframe. My question here is - wouldn't it be common courtesy to let someone rest and/or recuperate between large expenses? After #1 and #2 I was kind of expecting my parents to just let me take a breather for at least 6 months (knowing I'd be flying to them for Christmas).

When my friends had new babies, I didn't come knocking on their door two weeks after birth asking to go out for drinks. Same when another friend just lost their job and was looking for something new.

- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm close to my parents and grateful for that but they really don't understand my money concerns at all. I just finished writing them the last $4,000 check for a $20,000 downpayment loan they gave me (happy to do it and grateful they extended a hand), on top of feteing them at my housewarming (stocked the fridge with their favorites, took them out to restaurants w/ reservations, got concert tickets).

I can't tell you how supportive they've been, but they can't seem to get that my money isn't endless. They're demanding I fly to a generational baby shower next month and to be frank - I'm exhausted.

#1 $4000 check: you were repaying money you owed them -- required

#2 "feteing them" when they visited: your responsibility as host/ess include feeding and entertaining within your means and to a certain comfort level -- required

#3 baby shower: I don't understand the reference to "generational" but a baby shower usually is a pretty important event for most families -- optional

I disagree that one is "required" to entertain guests to "certain comfort level." Stocking the pantry with plenty of healthy and tasty foods, yes. But it's never occurred to me that if I visit family out of town that they are REQUIRED to treat me to the hottest show in town.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why they think you are made of money if they needed to lend you $20k.

I think you are being too generous when they come to town. Treat them to the standard of the life you live. A movie, not a show. A nice meal at home, not at an expensive restaurant.

I think you send a shower gift and decline. If your parents ask, say you don't have the money.

I'm a fine one for telling you to establish boundaries, since I still struggle with that at 53.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm close to my parents and grateful for that but they really don't understand my money concerns at all. I just finished writing them the last $4,000 check for a $20,000 downpayment loan they gave me (happy to do it and grateful they extended a hand), on top of feteing them at my housewarming (stocked the fridge with their favorites, took them out to restaurants w/ reservations, got concert tickets).

I can't tell you how supportive they've been, but they can't seem to get that my money isn't endless. They're demanding I fly to a generational baby shower next month and to be frank - I'm exhausted.

#1 $4000 check: you were repaying money you owed them -- required

#2 "feteing them" when they visited: your responsibility as host/ess include feeding and entertaining within your means and to a certain comfort level -- required

#3 baby shower: I don't understand the reference to "generational" but a baby shower usually is a pretty important event for most families -- optional

I disagree that one is "required" to entertain guests to "certain comfort level." Stocking the pantry with plenty of healthy and tasty foods, yes. But it's never occurred to me that if I visit family out of town that they are REQUIRED to treat me to the hottest show in town.

Reading comprehension check with two easy questions: What does "within your means" mean, and can you show me where I said that it was required to treat them to the hottest show in town? TIA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm close to my parents and grateful for that but they really don't understand my money concerns at all. I just finished writing them the last $4,000 check for a $20,000 downpayment loan they gave me (happy to do it and grateful they extended a hand), on top of feteing them at my housewarming (stocked the fridge with their favorites, took them out to restaurants w/ reservations, got concert tickets).

I can't tell you how supportive they've been, but they can't seem to get that my money isn't endless. They're demanding I fly to a generational baby shower next month and to be frank - I'm exhausted.

#1 $4000 check: you were repaying money you owed them -- required

#2 "feteing them" when they visited: your responsibility as host/ess include feeding and entertaining within your means and to a certain comfort level -- required

#3 baby shower: I don't understand the reference to "generational" but a baby shower usually is a pretty important event for most families -- optional

Perfect analysis and I actually agree. Something that I didn't mention is that all of this (last payment, housewarming etc) is all happening within a 2 month timeframe. My question here is - wouldn't it be common courtesy to let someone rest and/or recuperate between large expenses? After #1 and #2 I was kind of expecting my parents to just let me take a breather for at least 6 months (knowing I'd be flying to them for Christmas).

When my friends had new babies, I didn't come knocking on their door two weeks after birth asking to go out for drinks. Same when another friend just lost their job and was looking for something new.

- OP

Yeah, I agree that sometimes timing in life is rotten. So either you can go or you can't. That's the way life is sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I never have any problem with saying the words: "I cannot afford it."

If you've told them already, and they still insist, then say: "Great! Are you paying for my travel? Can't guarantee I'll pay you back anytime soon, though!"

[Anonymous]

Send a nice gift and tell your parents you will see them at Christmas.

[Anonymous]

They don't get it because it's simply not on their radar. All you need to do is speak up with a simple "Sorry but I don't have the funds for that right now. Nothing personal because I'd love to see the family, but getting myself financially secure and avoiding debt is a big priority for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't get it because it's simply not on their radar. All you need to do is speak up with a simple "Sorry but I don't have the funds for that right now. Nothing personal because I'd love to see the family, but getting myself financially secure and avoiding debt is a big priority for me.

I like this. If they push back it answers itself.