Pregnant and losing a loved one

[Anonymous]

I am about 23 weeks pregnant and am losing my Dad to a very aggressive form of cancer. I am now assisting with his care at home along with my Mom and hospice workers. Dad has been fighting for his life for the last year and my main focus has been on him and his needs and not my own. This is my first long-awaited for child and while I am excited on one level, I am deeply depressed on another because my Dad and I have always been extremely close. Also, I feel like I can't share my joy about the pregnancy with the rest of the family because everyone else is depressed. Just wondering if anyone else out there has been through something traumatic like this while pregnant? I find myself compartmentalizing my feelings because I'm worried about my emotions affecting my pregnancy. Thanks all.

[sth]

I really feel for you. My sister was pregnant when my father was dying of cancer. She had her baby and my father passed away eight days later. Basically, this is a really hard situation with no right or wrong answers--just a lot of mixed emotions. Your baby will have part of your father in him/her, which should bring comfort to the rest of the family. My sister asked my Dad to make a video to show her child when he got older and now it is a video that the other 11 grandchildren who didn't know my dad can benefit from it as well.

[Anonymous]

OP - first congratulations on your pregnancy. I am so sorry to hear of your dad's illness and you and your family must be on a roller coater of emotions. Your pregnancy is a wonderful gift to the entire family - and to your dad. I hope you can find a way to share that with everyone but especially him. Much depends on the status of your dad but perhaps take a few nice pictures of you (with dear grandchild) and dad. Life, espcially new life is precious. I would also try to find some time for you and DH or close friends to celebrate some 'baby' milestones if you family is not able to given circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I lost my dad to a terminal illness when my dd was five days old, although we had many close calls throughout the pregnancy. I don't think the wild swings in emotions really affected by dd's development, but it did make me a likelier candidate for ppd so I would let your doc know what's going on.

You know, I'm not sure you could get through such a tough time without a little compartmentalizing, but I think it's important to not ignore your pregnancy with your family. I was eight months pregnant and at the hospital with my dad and sisters. DD kicked hard, and I took my dad's hand and let him feel it. He smiled while my sister took a picture. It's hanging in my dd's room. During the same time, when he was not quite so lucid, I held his hand (and bawled, btw) and talked to him about names we liked.

Throughout the pregnancy, it felt right to share with my family big picture stuff - names, gender, due date, etc - in a way that was low-key (but still happy). I saved talk about the minutia of pregnancy- nursery decoration, gear, baby-care - for my dh and close friends.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Good luck.

[zumbamama]

When I was pregnant, my very best friend was dying of a rare brain tumor, inoperable. I was rushing from work, to the DR, and then to take care of her and her baby. She had just had her baby a few months before she passed. Dealing with newborns and death at the same time will really make you think about life and our purpose here. Anyway, it was so stressful for me to go through this while pregnant and working, and I ended up on bedrest for 2 months before I went into premature labor at 27 weeks. Stress is very dangerous at this time. Please make sure you have as much support as you can and that you take care of yourself as much as possible. I know it is hard, the only thing that gave me comfort in watching my BF go was that she would not suffer anymore and that I would meet her again in a better place one day, and I like to think she is watching over us now. For some people it's easier to cope by forgetting, but for me I never want to forget her. The warm happy memories keep me going and connected to her still, 2 years later. Take care of yourself, remember your happy memories and be patient with the family's confusion I guess is all the advice I can offer. Tough times will pass and make you stronger.

[Anonymous]

I am pregnant now and today is the 15 year anniversary of my father's death (from cancer.) Whether your father is dying now or already is dead like my own, I believe the stress of not having your father around when you have your baby is so hard. People always like to talk about how stress impacts a pregnancy. I think the most important thing is for you to experience the emotions you are going through and not deny them. You can't hide from your feelings. I think that would be harder on your pregnancy. My heart goes out to you.

[zumbamama]

I like what pp said about not denying your feelings. I agree, denial will just add to stress. For me, it helped to learn more about death, to understand it. When I was in the NICU, I chatted with many nurses about what was going on with my dying friend. They told me all sorts of stories about patients...near death experiences and mysterious phenomena in the hospital...no matter what religion these patients were. Truly mind-boggling, but it helped me fear death less and look at it as more of a doorway. I know this is getting into religious issues, and I am not even very religious. But for me it was comforting and I took that comfort to my friend in her final hours.

[Anonymous]

My father has Alzheimer's and since I got pregnant this summer his health had declined dramatically. The last 6 months have been exceptionally difficult because I live so far away from family. He no longer recognizes my mother or sister and I'm certain when I go home to visit after the baby's born he'll have no clue who I am either. It breaks my heart to know he'll never "know" his grandchild.