considering separation- where to begin
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Anonymous
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For a few years, my wife has been distant. I've tried to have conversations, and have suggested counseling for either her or us. She has refused counseling for herself up until very recently (about 3-4 months ago) but now I'm not even sure we can rectify things. I don't even understand what happened between us but she distanced herself after our first child was born. I've tried to sit down with her, talk, ask her if there is anything I can change, encourage her to either open up to me or open up to a counselor and I don't see anything changing. I've lost my drive to try to connect with her after a few years of trying and I can't keep going through motions so I've started running through separation scenarios in my head.
Do I broach it to her first? Talk to a lawyers first and gather details? |
Anonymous
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I would talk to a lawyer to see what your options look like. For example, consider your financials. Does your wife work? How many children do you have? Divorce is expensive in that it takes a normally comfortable HHI and splits it so that it must support two households instead of one. Child support and possibly alimony if she does not work for a set period of time until she is able to support herself are things you could be facing.
Have you ever broached the idea of separation with her before? |
Anonymous
My wife works. I make about $25-30k more than her. Two kids in daycare. I've only mentioned separation in passing saying I can't do this anymore but no sit down conversation about what I've been thinking. |
Anonymous
| Agree with having a consult with a lawyer to determine your options. The two most important things I would consider are the finances and your thoughts about custody arrangements. Right now you have two in daycare which is a significant expense in its own right. Depending on your income levels, just be thinking about what your lifestyle will look like if you separate and have to maintain separate houses. |
Anonymous
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Make a list of non-negotiables for custody and CS.
Look online at sample custody time-sharing plans. Then, come back here and ask people for real-life experiences with those plans. Some sound good on paper, but are horrible in practice. Use the online CS calculators to get an idea what the payment would be. Don't assume 50/50 custody means no CS. The law doesn't work that way for sure. Consider who would keep the marital home and other property. Are you certain the house wouldn't have to be sold? And how would this impact the kids? Many lawyers will give you one hour consultations at their hourly billing rate. I did this before my divorce and it was worth every penny. |
michaeljohn
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| I'd broach it and discuss it before jumping to lawyers, which are expensive. Although a preliminary consultation with a lawyer can help you get the lay of the land. Maybe consider moving out on a trial basis and discuss it with her (and a lawyer in that scenario because you want to protect your rights vis-a-vis the kids). But if you do move out, find someplace that is cheap, convenient and won't take too much time to refurnish, etc. so you can focus on yourself and the relationship. Sometimes time and space can clarify things. |
rebecca99
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| I feel sorry for your situation and indeed it's hard to settle things without the cooperation of the other person. Maybe you can try opening the separation topic to her then get an attorney to communicate things if she did not respond. I hope she'll communicate soon to help you figure out what's wrong. |
Anonymous
| She is in therapy. Give it time. Nothing will change for the better for your family if you separate right now. Did she have postpartum depression? |