Quiet separation

[Anonymous]

My partner and I have decided to separate. We want to keep this quiet for several reasons but a big one is that I'm pregnant and we have little kids. Is it possible that we can be successful at this? If so, what should we do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My partner and I have decided to separate. We want to keep this quiet for several reasons but a big one is that I'm pregnant and we have little kids. Is it possible that we can be successful at this? If so, what should we do?

More details - same sex ? Why the secrecy ?

[Anonymous]

Have you gone to counseling? That's a huge move with so much already going on. How bad is it that you can't figure this out?

--lesbian wife and mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you gone to counseling? That's a huge move with so much already going on. How bad is it that you can't figure this out?

--lesbian wife and mom

We both do individual counseling. I go for mental illness maintenance and she goes for other reasons. For six months we also did couples counseling but that ended five months ago. Things were looking up and we decided to try for another kid. Two weeks ago she invited me to her counseling appointment and told me she wanted us to separate, aka she wants to move out. She wants to keep it quiet because she's close with her family and they will cause her grief when they find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you gone to counseling? That's a huge move with so much already going on. How bad is it that you can't figure this out?

--lesbian wife and mom

We both do individual counseling. I go for mental illness maintenance and she goes for other reasons. For six months we also did couples counseling but that ended five months ago. Things were looking up and we decided to try for another kid. Two weeks ago she invited me to her counseling appointment and told me she wanted us to separate, aka she wants to move out. She wants to keep it quiet because she's close with her family and they will cause her grief when they find out.

Honestly, I wouldn't honor that request. She is choosing to walk out on her pregnant wife and children. There are consequences, like the people who care about you might get upset. She doesn't get to abandon her family and then call the shots to make it more convenient for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you gone to counseling? That's a huge move with so much already going on. How bad is it that you can't figure this out?

--lesbian wife and mom

We both do individual counseling. I go for mental illness maintenance and she goes for other reasons. For six months we also did couples counseling but that ended five months ago. Things were looking up and we decided to try for another kid. Two weeks ago she invited me to her counseling appointment and told me she wanted us to separate, aka she wants to move out. She wants to keep it quiet because she's close with her family and they will cause her grief when they find out.

Honestly, I wouldn't honor that request. She is choosing to walk out on her pregnant wife and children. There are consequences, like the people who care about you might get upset. She doesn't get to abandon her family and then call the shots to make it more convenient for her.

+1

Screw that.

[Anonymous]

Separated during pregnancy in my first marriage. Turned out the "quiet separation" was so people didn't think my now Ex was a douche. However, it meant that for many months, I didn't get the financial support or logistical assistance I needed because our social circle here didn't know. It took my best friend out of state paying for a grocery delivery while I was on bed rest to wake me up to who was benefitting from the quiet separation.

[Anonymous]

How long is it supposed to be quiet for? Eventually people will realize what's going on.

[Anonymous]

NO, you don't want to keep this quiet. You are pregnant and have small children. You need all the support you can get. You're not choosing this. As PP said, screw that.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that's a good reason to keep it quiet-and particularly if she's the one who wants to separate, she should be willing to own that choice. If you are planning to separate in order to keep trying, then maybe being quieter about it is a good idea, but even if that's the case I would think family and close friends would know.

Whatever happens, it will get better.

[Anonymous]

No. "Keeping quiet" is participating in lies of omission or comission. No one has the right to ask for that. Both of you have a right to be "out" about your lives and to live authentically. Asking for the separation to "quiet" is asking you to live in a new kind of closet.

You can promose other things - that you won't speak ill of her in front of the children, that you will be a cooperative co-parent, etc.

[Anonymous]

Uh nope.... she wants out; she takes responsibility. And yes, everyone (including whoever she is now interested in) will know she's a complete @sshat for walking out on her family. Please confide in a friend/family member so you get the reality check you need with so much going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uh nope.... she wants out; she takes responsibility. And yes, everyone (including whoever she is now interested in) will know she's a complete @sshat for walking out on her family. Please confide in a friend/family member so you get the reality check you need with so much going on.

Our neighbor had this situation and went to great lengths to hide it from everyone. One morning close to 3 am we awoke to her in full labor with two toddlers in tow asking if we could take care of them until her mother got into town. My husband drove her to hospital and -- bless him -- stayed there for 4 hours until baby was born. We had the toddlers with us until late the next day. Her mother wasn't even aware of the split. She had been telling everyone that her partner was traveling for business. She and 3 children had to move from house because she was the caregiver for children and had no income.