DD made a new friend on musical.ly - need feedback

[Anonymous]

DD is a rising 5th grader - I posted about her recently on the special needs forum. She has mild developmental delays (affects speech and motor planning) and while ASD has been ruled out by various specialists, it's possiible she is on the very high-functioning end of the spectrum. She's very social and desperately wants friends, but she's also very socially awkward and less mature than girls her age.

DD is well-liked by her classmates and is extremely kind, thoughtful, and surprisingly insightful and tuned in to others. But friendships with girls her age tend to be a challenge because she can be awkward (socially and physically) and naive and as a result, she tends to be on the outside looking in.

I've allowed her the be on musical.ly because she loves to make videos, and it's a way for her to interact with some of her classmates - I monitor all of her videos and texts. A couple weeks ago a girl she's never met named "Jane" requested to follow her and told her she seems so nice and would like to be her friend. Jane is a year older and lives in another state. Since then the girls have been sharing videos, making "duets" together and texting back and forth.

My DD is so needy for friends that she's become attached to Jane pretty quickly, but the feeling seems to be mutual. Jane has shared some personal things with DD and has thanked her for being a good friend. They call each other BFF and say "love you".

I've been watching all of this closely and with some concern. I'm not a huge fan of musically to begin with and I don't want my DD to get too attached to a virtual friend who she's never met or never will meet. Jane has been extremely kind and supportive - it must be evident that my DD has some issues and isn't like other kids her age and Jane is always cheering my DD on. She texts my DD literally every day, sometimes multiple times a day and is regularly complimenting my DD's videos, etc.

But I don't really understand what's in it for Jane, and why she's pursued a friendship with DD. I've watched her videos and she seems like a typical tween girl. I don't know if she's just a good soul trying to be kind to someone who needs it, or if she's lonely herself. Btw I can see that she's for real and not some creepy perv pretending to be a kid. And my DD doesn't reveal where she lives beyond the state of Maryland.

I guess I'm wondering - is this a common thing on musical.ly? I've been watching their interactions to make sure it doesn't turn into something negative or that Jane doesn't ever get mean or bullying. I know you can't be too careful with social media.

Guess I'm just wondering what others make of this situation and what you might do in my shoes. It's been positive for DD so far but something about it makes me uneasy.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Just to add - DD has a private account so not certain why Jane requested to follow her in the first place. I think they had both commented on a video of a performer they were fans of.

[Anonymous]

Very common on mucisal.ly and frankly any social media kids are using now a days. Gone are the days of waiting by the phone for your friends to call or by the door to walk into school together. Most social interactions for kids are done online now. Jane probably has a lot of friends on musical.ly also and her main social interactions are on there.

[Anonymous]

This is one reason I don't allow my kids on websites like this. I don't like the iffy feeling about it. On the one hand she seems to be giving your daughter something positive. On the other, you're questioning it, wondering why, wondering if "Jane" is up to something, you're on the alert for something, etc. Your kid, probably more than most kids, is vulnerable. Telling a stranger at that age they love each other and they are BFFs is not what I would allow or expect. I'd be concerned if it was a relationship in real life (one friend, clinging on, all eggs in one basket, etc.); I'd be even more concerned if it was virtual (unsure this person is a real kid, can't be certain how they met up, too close too soon, clinging on to each other saying I love you, my kid doesn't have outlets of real friends, etc.)

I'd tread very, very, very carefully. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I guess I would say it's fine and a good outlet for your daughter. But I'd also be cautious because it can't be a real friend since she lives far away and you don't honestly know anything about her. I would still make sure to limit screen time and to not let that friendship get in the way with real life - no skipping an activity or the pool so you can text with Jane.

No more personal information and if Jane reaches out with more, then you need to find out the mom's info and call.

[Anonymous]

It's fine. My DD made friends with a girl in upstate NY and now we are having a teenager exchange - that girl is staying with us for a week and DD is staying at her house for a week.

[Anonymous]

I would never allow my young child to make friends on the Internet. I have to approve all who follow my daughter and the rule is that I have to know everyone. Aren't you concerned about predators who make up fake profiles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never allow my young child to make friends on the Internet. I have to approve all who follow my daughter and the rule is that I have to know everyone. Aren't you concerned about predators who make up fake profiles?

I'm the one who is doing a swap this summer with a girl DD met online. Yes, I am concerned about predators. That's why DD and the girl have FaceTimed, that's why DD and I have had talks for years about putting out info about her school, her neighborhood, etc., including "tricky" questions like "What are your school colors?" and what to do if she's worried she's gone too far or things have taken a weird turn. That's why I've FaceTimed with the mom of the girl and know what she and her husband do for a living, etc.

You can't stop your children from talking to strangers. You CAN teach your children HOW to talk to strangers, and HOW to notice alarm bells and red flags.

[Anonymous]

There surely must be other outlets besides social media sites for your daughter to make friends. What about Girl Scouts, sports, church youth groups, outside music and drama programs that can nurture her love for music? I think you could be doing a bit more to channel her energies elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

It happens and you're monitoring it so there's probably nothing to be concerned about with Jane specifically.
The more concerning thing is the lack of local friends and your DD getting all her social interaction online. If she had both It wouldn't be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I made online friends back in the day before it was really a thing. (Think Prodigy message boards!) I actually wouldn't be worried about it any more than an "in person" friendship beyond being able to verify that the girl being basically who she says she is. (I'd actually worry even less than an in person friendship, because it's much easier to cut the girl out/avoid her if things go awry.) If you can verify that she is who she says (she's posting real time videos interacting with your daughter, facetiming, etc), then I really wouldn't worry. I certainly wouldn't take this friend away from your DD just because you're concerned "what if." The girl is probably either just nice or lonely or likes to feel needed or some combination thereof.