Sibling rivalry and Power of attorney duties - anyone gone thru this?

[Anonymous]

Grandpa died last year. Grandma moved in with daughter and son in law (my parents). Grandma has two other children - my aunt and my uncle. Mom and aunt have financial power of attorney because grandma has dementia. Both have the ability to act independently of each other.

My aunt is having a hard time grieving the loss of her father and has become very difficult to deal with. Insists that she be included in every decision my mom makes regarding anything related to Grandma but does not show mom the same courtesy. My aunt is notoriously bad with money and has made questionable decisions related to Grandma's finances. For example, Grandma's house just sold (my aunt was the realtor's POC for the sale and addressed all actions/questions related to the sale). My aunt tried to have the proceeds deposited into an escrow account in her own bank (to which my mom and Grandma would not have access). When my mom and my uncle protested and requested that the money be deposited into Grandma's account she agreed but then acted independently and had the check sent to her. Luckily my mom was able to have the check stopped before my aunt was able to deposit it.

Now my aunt has gotten access to Grandma's savings account and has put a number of stops and restrictions on it. I don't know what it means but my parents are talking about taking her to court to resolve this.

Has anyone where gone thru this before? Looking for a little advice and support as we navigate this. My parents have not yet engaged an attorney. Does anyone know how hard it is to have a sibling's power of attorney revoked?

[Anonymous]

If your grandmother has dementia, the POA can only be revoked by the court. It can be revoked if the court believes its being abused. You haven't mentioned anything that shows misuse of money, but I'm sure you have more stories.

My wife is a nursing home administrator. She sees this all the time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Grandma was diagnosed with dementia but has not yet been declared incompetent.

All of this is so sad - we used to be a pretty close family. None of us could have anticipated any of this.

[Anonymous]

Sorry your family is going through this. I'm sure it's a lot more common than people realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Grandma was diagnosed with dementia but has not yet been declared incompetent.

All of this is so sad - we used to be a pretty close family. None of us could have anticipated any of this.

Being diagnosed with dementia does not mean she cannot make decisions. The person caring for grandma should have sole financial power of attorney. Time to get Grandma to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Can my aunt protest if grandma takes away her power of attorney?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Grandma was diagnosed with dementia but has not yet been declared incompetent.

All of this is so sad - we used to be a pretty close family. None of us could have anticipated any of this.

I posted a similar question a few days ago. Eldercare really brings out the worst in people.

[Anonymous]

Take it to court and get one person to be the legal guardian. Legally, if grandma ever needs to go on medicaid she cannot gift all that money to your aunt or it will be a huge issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Grandma was diagnosed with dementia but has not yet been declared incompetent.

All of this is so sad - we used to be a pretty close family. None of us could have anticipated any of this.

Then she can revoke the POA to your aunt only if she is actually competent. If she does it and is not competent to make that sort of decision, then your aunt can take this to court. It isn't difficult to find a doctor to testify regarding competence, or lack thereof, even after the fact.

The PP who mentioned Medicaid brings up an excellent point. MA looks back five years on how the money was spent. If it was t for her care, she will be denied for whatever period they deem she would have been able to pay for her own care had the money been spent properly.

While I think your situation is really difficult, I don't think it's a good idea to be named sole POA or to have a POA that is set up where each of the decision makers can act independently in your situation. Checks and balances help in the event of litigation. Right now, your parents are at risk of getting stuck with providing for your grandmother. But if they were some POA, any decision can be challenged which leads to costly litigation.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the feedback and advice.

If Grandma gets to the point where she can no longer make decisions and is declared incompetent guardianship MUST be awarded to someone, correct? Do family members apply for that? Can there be multiple guardians?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the feedback and advice.

If Grandma gets to the point where she can no longer make decisions and is declared incompetent guardianship MUST be awarded to someone, correct? Do family members apply for that? Can there be multiple guardians?

It takes two doctors to certify that a person is incompetent in MD. Many people who are incompetent are never actually declared incompetent because no one asks for the opinions required. Not everyone who's incompetent gets a guardian appointed but people who seem an opinion regarding competency typically pursue giardianship. Usually next of kin makes decisions. Guardians are only appointed by a court and so someone has to institute court proceedings. Sometimes families don't want guardianship or to make decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandpa died last year. Grandma moved in with daughter and son in law (my parents). Grandma has two other children - my aunt and my uncle. Mom and aunt have financial power of attorney because grandma has dementia. Both have the ability to act independently of each other.

My aunt is having a hard time grieving the loss of her father and has become very difficult to deal with. Insists that she be included in every decision my mom makes regarding anything related to Grandma but does not show mom the same courtesy. My aunt is notoriously bad with money and has made questionable decisions related to Grandma's finances. For example, Grandma's house just sold (my aunt was the realtor's POC for the sale and addressed all actions/questions related to the sale). My aunt tried to have the proceeds deposited into an escrow account in her own bank (to which my mom and Grandma would not have access). When my mom and my uncle protested and requested that the money be deposited into Grandma's account she agreed but then acted independently and had the check sent to her. Luckily my mom was able to have the check stopped before my aunt was able to deposit it.

Now my aunt has gotten access to Grandma's savings account and has put a number of stops and restrictions on it. I don't know what it means but my parents are talking about taking her to court to resolve this.

Has anyone where gone thru this before? Looking for a little advice and support as we navigate this. My parents have not yet engaged an attorney. Does anyone know how hard it is to have a sibling's power of attorney revoked?

Honey, your aunt isn't "bad with money" (well maybe she is but that's not the issue here). She just wants to steal your grandma's money. I also doubt it has anything to do with her "grief" over your grandpa's passing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PP I don't disagree with you - my aunt probably does want to steal Grandma's money. She goes thru it like water.

The choices she has made during her life are now starting to impact her in ways I don't think she foresaw and she's lashing out at everyone, especially my mom, I think because things aren't going the way she always thought they would.

Grandma fell last night - she had to be taken by ambulance to the ER. Luckily she didn't break anything or hit her head. My mom called my aunt and uncle to let them know what happened but they didn't pick up (because it was 3 am) so she also sent them a text. When my aunt finally saw the text she called back (which never happens - she refuses to communicate with my mom via phone. Will only text or email) my mom had fallen asleep. So my aunt sends a nasty text saying something like a phone is no good if you refuse to pick up my calls.

All of this is just ridiculous. I feel so bad for my mom - I wish my aunt would lay off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP I don't disagree with you - my aunt probably does want to steal Grandma's money. She goes thru it like water.

The choices she has made during her life are now starting to impact her in ways I don't think she foresaw and she's lashing out at everyone, especially my mom, I think because things aren't going the way she always thought they would.

Grandma fell last night - she had to be taken by ambulance to the ER. Luckily she didn't break anything or hit her head. My mom called my aunt and uncle to let them know what happened but they didn't pick up (because it was 3 am) so she also sent them a text. When my aunt finally saw the text she called back (which never happens - she refuses to communicate with my mom via phone. Will only text or email) my mom had fallen asleep. So my aunt sends a nasty text saying something like a phone is no good if you refuse to pick up my calls.

All of this is just ridiculous. I feel so bad for my mom - I wish my aunt would lay off.

doubtful that she will lay off. Hope your Mom stays strong. She's got a lot on her right now. Grieving for her father, caring for her mother and handling her awful sister. Is you uncle any help?

[Anonymous]

At one point my sister hired a locksmith to cut into my mom's safe. Shortly after mom was hospitalized for fall and dementia my sister took her on a tour of her banks and brokerages and got all accounts changed. I finally engaged family lawyer, but only after most of the estate had been depleted. Take action NOW.