toddler around in laws

[Anonymous]

My inlaws take care of my 1 year old niece 3 days a week, and probably meet my 20 months old ds maybe once every two months. It is not the first time, but they comment my ds scaring of them with teary eyes, not social, and does not eat at all (he is a picky eater) at the restaurant. While my niece is so happy, smiling at everyone (including strangers), loves to grab food to eat, and she allows strangers to hold her. They are about the same size even with the age differences, and the personality are totally opposite. My ds is a happy smiley child at home, at playground & in public space, and he loves to observe before he makes the move to see if he wants to say hi & get closer to you. He has no problems hanging out with my friends (even first time meet), and my friends even comment how come he is always that happy. And, at restaurant, he has no problem being around my sister in law or brother in law, so just my parents in laws only.

Is it just a phase for ds being cautious around strangers? Or my ds does not like my inlaws at all?

[Anonymous]

My guess is that YOU dislike the in-laws or are nervous and your DS is feeding off of that. When kids are young, they acclimate to new situations or people by reading the emotions of their primary caregiver. If their primary attachment figure is calm and relaxed, they are also calm and relaxed. If their primary attachment figure is tense, kid will be tense and misbehavior is more likely.

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws are just making it worse by comparing the kids. My parents have always compared my and my brother's children. My brother is the favorite, and my mom is a narcissist, so there's not much I can do right. These dynamics got acted out with the grandchildren too. Kids pick up on negativity, and tend not to warm up to people who project it.

Maybe it's something like that. Any sane, mature adult recognizes that all kids are different, and all kids go through phases. They don't make a big deal out of it.

Don't let them make you feel bad.

[Anonymous]

I remember once telling my dad not to compare my kids to each other. He said I'm not comparing them, I'm just saying they're completely opposite from each other.

I'd have DH say something to them about comparing the children. It's a bad dynamic. I'd also point out sometime that your niece is much more familiar with them and would obviously be more comfortable around them. If ds only sees them once every 2 months in a restaurant setting, it's no wonder he's shy around them. He barely knows them.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your 20 month old has strong feelings on your inlaws. I wouldn't worry. IF they say he seems nervous, just say, "Really? Hunh." And change the subject. Let your inlaws do what they want, and let your DS be himself.