Online support forums for dealing with aging parents?

[Anonymous]

Please recommend. Thank you. Both planned well for retirement, but I am dealing with other issues. They refuse my help and complain incessantly to me about the other. Mother in beginning stages of dementia taking care of father who has progressed more. Siblings are little help. They swoop in now and then, give solutions like they are giving orders and swoop back feeling like they saved the day. I don't mind being their primary point of contact because I love my parents and feel like they have been great parents, but my brother and sister seem to require headpats for the little they do and while I would never guilt trip, it is exhausting dealing with their need for praise.

So I think it would help to have online support. I am married with kids of my own. With my parents I feel like I am dealing with angry adolescents and with my brother and sister I am dealing with special snowflakes who need a standing ovation for something I just do.

[Anonymous]

Re: siblings, forget what they need. No reason you have to give it to them

Sending sympathy Op. If they refuse your help, maybe for your own sanity, you need to be less available to your parents.

[Anonymous]

Good grief mom and dad have dementia. OP cannot avoid this situation. OP I feel for you with the siblings. Honestly I just focus on my mom and do not worry about the siblings. Don't waste a second getting angry as it is no help. You may need to think assisted living and it is a total lifesaver. Now that mom is in assisted living, I don't have to put out as many fires. I only deal with he siblings when I have to and I am civil. If I spent time stroking their egos I would lose it. Remember this is a marathon so get their situation organized so you can have some peace.

[Anonymous]

There is an ALZ online support group, I think it Alzconnect.

[Anonymous]

Have you or they looked at any retirement communities? Have you or they looked at in home care assistance?

[Anonymous]

You may want to look into hiring a geriatric care manager for your parents. A GCM can help with addressing their needs and also be a liaison with your siblings. https://www.aginglifecare.org/ALCA/About_Aging_Life_Care/What_you_need_to_know/ALCA/About_Aging_Life_Care/What_you_need_to_know.aspx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may want to look into hiring a geriatric care manager for your parents. A GCM can help with addressing their needs and also be a liaison with your siblings. https://www.aginglifecare.org/ALCA/About_Aging_Life_Care/What_you_need_to_know/ALCA/About_Aging_Life_Care/What_you_need_to_know.aspx

Have you used this service? Right now things are calm with my mom, but I would like to suggest this approach to my siblings for the next round of issues that need to be navigated with my mom, like the OP, most of my sibs want a huge shout out if they visit, and treat me like the hired help. Its so tedious.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I have very difficult parents and my brother and I don't live in our home town any more.

I hired a geriatric care social worker. OMG, a life saver. I get teary just thinking how she saved my life with her assistance. You contract with the person-- they just bill by the hour like any other service. She knew how to introduce her to my parents, kind of a "new friend" who is going to check in occasionally. It's kind of duplicitous but it works with the elderly. She helped get all the HIPAA paperwork signed so she could talk to doctors, hospitals, etc., so she could take my parents to appointments.

Then she facilitated getting the Power of Attorney paperwork done. OP, YOU HAVE TO DO THIS ASAP WHILE THEY ARE STILL LUCID. Get it for finances (Durable POA) and also for health. You can get it so you and your mom have it for your dad, and you and your dad have it for your mom. Then you can start checking up on their finances, making sure bills get paid, property taxes get paid, they are not being scammed, etc.

Hopefully your parents have resources for this stage of their lives? Long term care by chance?

Anyway, I would let your siblings focus on just doing social and caring things for your parents and you do the finances/caregiving aspects.

GL!

[Roar]

OP: Thanks for sharing. Here if you need to vent more. Prayers for your sanity.

[Anonymous]

OP here-I really appreciate all these responses. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

I have very difficult parents and my brother and I don't live in our home town any more.

I hired a geriatric care social worker. OMG, a life saver. I get teary just thinking how she saved my life with her assistance. You contract with the person-- they just bill by the hour like any other service. She knew how to introduce her to my parents, kind of a "new friend" who is going to check in occasionally. It's kind of duplicitous but it works with the elderly. She helped get all the HIPAA paperwork signed so she could talk to doctors, hospitals, etc., so she could take my parents to appointments.

Then she facilitated getting the Power of Attorney paperwork done. OP, YOU HAVE TO DO THIS ASAP WHILE THEY ARE STILL LUCID. Get it for finances (Durable POA) and also for health. You can get it so you and your mom have it for your dad, and you and your dad have it for your mom. Then you can start checking up on their finances, making sure bills get paid, property taxes get paid, they are not being scammed, etc.

Hopefully your parents have resources for this stage of their lives? Long term care by chance?

Anyway, I would let your siblings focus on just doing social and caring things for your parents and you do the finances/caregiving aspects.

GL!

OP here. I am going to look into this. It won't happen in the near future because they will refuse, but I do think it could come in handy down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may want to look into hiring a geriatric care manager for your parents. A GCM can help with addressing their needs and also be a liaison with your siblings. https://www.aginglifecare.org/ALCA/About_Aging_Life_Care/What_you_need_to_know/ALCA/About_Aging_Life_Care/What_you_need_to_know.aspx

Have you used this service? Right now things are calm with my mom, but I would like to suggest this approach to my siblings for the next round of issues that need to be navigated with my mom, like the OP, most of my sibs want a huge shout out if they visit, and treat me like the hired help. Its so tedious.

OP here. OMG it is helpful just to know I am not the only one treated like the hired help while they expect a standing ovation for any visits. I don't have an issue with doing more, but I do have an issue with the BS.

[Anonymous]

Do you live in VA or MD? I know VA counties like Fairfax and Arlington have good aging resources including support info etc. I just started a support group in my church for various issues such as what you are experiencing. Mostly, to direct people to resources/services and/or commiserate.