Raising my teenage sister
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Anonymous
| I could use some advice. I have two young boys (8 and 4) and my teenage sister(14) moved in with us to get away from our abusive mother. We are very close and have always been. I'm finding it very hard to adjust to my new role in her life. Her sleep schedule is horrible and she is always very tired in the morning. For example last night she was up reading at midnight and I found myself saying "It's up to you but I really think you should get some sleep." She laughed and said she was going to go to sleep soon and pretty much ignored the request. This morning she slept in and didn't want to eat breakfast, I encouraged her to at least take a granola bar in the car but she insisted she was fine. With my boys I would have made sure they were in bed on time and would not have let them skip breakfast. Should I be enforcing these things? These are pretty minor things, and I don't want her to feel like I'm treating her like a toddler either. I don't know the first thing about what normal teenager girl behavior looks like. |
Anonymous
| OP, that's a tough change for both of you. I can answer your question about normal teenage behavior -- i.e., yes, staying up late and not wanting to eat breakfast is normal teenage behavior. But I can't answer your question about how to raise your sister, and really neither can anybody else on DCUM, because it depends on your and your sister's individual circumstances. Can you get professional help? I wish you and your sister all the best. |
Anonymous
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I would tell her that she needs to follow HOUSE rules. So for example, NOBODY can have their cell phones at the dinner table. Nobody is allowed to slam doors or speak disrespectfully to family members. You see? It will feel more fair because it's a family rule everyone has to adhere to.
I have a 14 yr old. She never eats breakfast. When I was 14 I never ate breakfast except on weekends, so I get it. Now that your sister has gotten to stay up as late as she wanted and you and she can see the results of it, it's fine to evaluate whether she is mature enough. If she wants to sleep late and skip breakfast that's fine with me. If skipping breakfast makes her bitchy, it's not fine with me. If she can stay up reading and get up on time, it's fine. If she stays up late and then is cranky in the morning, it's no longer fine. You see? Different kids can self-regulate in different ways. You could have said, "Just humor me and take the granola bar, even if you don't eat it, I will feel better knowing you have it in case you want it." Then she can toss it in her bag and leave it there for a week if that's what she wants. |
Anonymous
| Her previous home life sucked but likely did not have a reasonable set of rules. It is up to you to let her know in advance what the rules are and make sure she follows them. |
Anonymous
| First, I want to tell you how great it is that you are doing this for your younger sister. You are awesome! It does sound like you need to become an authority figure, and not just a sister to her. Rules have to be there. For example, my DS is 18 and done with high school just last week, I don't enforce any rules apart from respect with him, right now, but I still remind him that he has sport's practice tomorrow and to make the right decision. He isn't a rule breaker anyway, so being strict would be some power trip on my part. With my DD, 15,(more of a "testing how far I can go," I enforce bed time, 10pm, during the school year, not going out after certain hour, everything has to be approved by me, yes, even going to nearby Chipotle. If she is particularly difficult, phone is taken away, lap top too. I know you are trying to be nice and kind, but teens test the limits non stop, a good balance between strict and permissive and loving is needed. Good luck! And read the "yes, your teen is crazy," it is a life saver. |
Anonymous
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OP are you in Maryland? I have been pretty impressed with the PEP parenting coaches I've met so far. Maybe one of these classes would be useful. PEP Parenting Teens classes:
http://pepparent.org/classes-programs/parenting-teens/ The other thing you could do is post in Parenting - Special Concerns, where you might find some blended families who could talk about making that transition from being under two roofs to one. |
Anonymous
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It depends on her personality. I was a baby until my older teens, and would never have thought of not following my parents rules (bedtime, wake up time, meals, etc). My son is shaping up to be a late bloomer like me, still holds my hand at 12 years old and for the moment just does everything I say.
But other children rebel early, so you'll have to adjust to her personality. |
Anonymous
Normally I am hesitant to go with recommending parenting classes, but making the leap from little kids to a teen? Well, I know how hard it was for me to figure out how to parent a teen, and I wasn't hit with it all at once. I think some professional help on helping you both understand your new roles is a great idea (and your role is not going to be very sister-like, but you can see why it wouldn't be obvious to her that you get to sound mom-like). 14 year olds still face rules, and in many houses, bed times. Many parents of kids that age are still actively engaged in making sure homework gets done. They are at a tough age. They are, in a word, impossible. They are forgetful, defiant, confused, and all sorts of things. It is also outstanding to watch them grow and change. Good luck to you all. |
Anonymous
100% perfect advice. |
Anonymous
| As hard as it may be set the rules as if she were your DD and stick to them. She may hate you at times but in the long run she will thank you. You can't be her sister right now, suck it up and tell her that. |
Anonymous
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Setting rules with a teen can be challenging, and your method should depend heavily on their personality. You may want to offer guidance on the small things, and put your foot down when it is something important.
My 14 year old is always complaining about being tired, even after sleeping 10 hours. It's a teen phase. My friends' and sister's teens are all the same way. I took on the care of my brother, but not when I had kids of my own. Our mother is awful. Caring for him created a very strong bond into adulthood. |
Anonymous
I don't think that this is good advice. |
Anonymous
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OP, just want to say it's wonderful you're doing this for your sister.
I agree that you should be able to give her some boundaries, and also expect some help from her. (Like you would if she were your kid.) But I'd focus on the boundaries and house rules first, while she's getting used to being at your home. |
Anonymous
| If it helps..my teens go up to their rooms without electronics around 10 (unless they are still doing homework) but aside from that I have no idea when they turn the lights out. Are her grades ok? Does she get up in time for school. If so I think I would not worry about bedtime much. |
Anonymous
I don't either. |