How to tame a Tiger Dad

[Anonymous]

Cant get DH to take it down a notch when it comes to getting our 13 yo DS to practice math every day. We agreed he'd do 1 sheet of hw if teacher didn't assign hw (which is almost 3 days/week). Today we returned at 9pm from an end of the year school social event, kids were exhausted after a full day of school. We quickly went over school binder, established nothing is due tomorrow, and when I asked him to work on his math, he said he's tired. . I said okay, go to sleep. DH went off, saying I let them off the hook too much and we should have pressed him to it and finish. I think it's over the top and one night isn't going to make or break anyone. DH is losing his mind, don't get me wrong, I value education and enforce
rules around hw and learning, but come on, it's the end for year for goodness sake, and they were running around eating all kinds of sweets, playing with friends and I'm not going to stress them out now. How do you get a tiger dad to calm down? DH is doing well.. of course he'd love to skip hw everyday if we let him but that's not what happens. I'm afraid DH is going to stress DS out more than help out

[Anonymous]

There's more to learning than academics. There's learning through socializing. There's learning compassion. There's learning to compromise.

Seems your husband has a lot to learn. All the math in the world didn't teach him everything he needs to know.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is asking for rebellion.

[Anonymous]

If a person is tired, they won't really retain what they are trying to learn -- at least not long term retention. It's why cramming for tests last minute and pulling an all-nighter is bad. You may be able to do well on the test, but you aren't as likely to really retain a lot of that long term.

If the goal is to help your son do well at math long term, adding extra assignments when he is drained isn't going to achieve that goal. It would be far better to have him do that page of math on Saturday or Sunday morning, when he's fresh and rested.

Training the mind isn't much different than training the body, at some point, if you really want to train and develop, you have to have adequate rest time.

[Anonymous]

^^^ I would also add that if you really want to improve your child's aptitude for math, doing other activities that involve math would be far more effective than having him do extra sheets before bedtime when he's drained.

For example, find a little house project that involves some geometry. Engage your son in doing that sort of things. Over the long term, that will have far more impact because (a) it actually engages him in a way doing drills does not and (b) he will be more likely to remember it if he sees how it has a practical application.

Your husband is risking (a) not really improving your kid's math skills while (b) making him hate math.

[Anonymous]

OP here, agree with you all wholeheartedly. How can I get him to change his ways? I'm afraid DS will end up hating math, rebel and resent DH for his authoritarian style. DH is obsessed and doesn't seem to engage DS in any other activity. I want them to have a warmer closer relationship, but this is causing tension. DS opens up to me and I try to share stories with him so as to try to maintain a close relationship. DH grew up in an authoritarian household, his dad was the same way and they aren't close. I don't think DH sees it but I see if clearly- his mom was a apple of his eye but he rarely calls his dad

[Anonymous]

Have your DH define his goals. This is not a situation in which your child is learning a musical instrument or practicing a sport. Doing a page of Dad's homework when he is exhausted really has zero value. Unless your DH can define some goal here, I can't fathom what he is doing other than exerting control and forcing your child to do something unnecessary, which is kind of ridiculous, like life in a prison camp.

[Anonymous]

A quiet conversation when the kids aren't around, perhaps some reading material on adolescence.

[Anonymous]

I'm a tiger dad who tried to prepare his daughter for the TJ exam by creating homework sets that she would do (almost) every day (just the math part; reading/vocab were fine). When her exam results came back, she had scored a 47/50 on the reading/vocab...and a 20/50 on the math. Message received, loud and clear. Repetitive, boring homework sets aren't the answer. I've backed off on the math prep. She does fine in school (all As, she's in Geometry as an 8th grader) so I'll let it go.

[Anonymous]

What does you child like to do? Soccer, video games, football?

You son should trade 30 minutes of his dad doing his activity for 30 minutes of math.

Then I think your son should run your H as hard as he can until your H throws up... but don't tell you son that part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a tiger dad who tried to prepare his daughter for the TJ exam by creating homework sets that she would do (almost) every day (just the math part; reading/vocab were fine). When her exam results came back, she had scored a 47/50 on the reading/vocab...and a 20/50 on the math. Message received, loud and clear. Repetitive, boring homework sets aren't the answer. I've backed off on the math prep. She does fine in school (all As, she's in Geometry as an 8th grader) so I'll let it go.

Good for you for getting the message. It sounds like she might not have been happy at TJ anyway. You know what they say, "Parent the child you have, not the one you want."

[Anonymous]

13 year old is a 7th or 8th grader, right? He lets you go through his binder is a victory in of itself. Do you have any idea how close lipped most middle school boys are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13 year old is a 7th or 8th grader, right? He lets you go through his binder is a victory in of itself. Do you have any idea how close lipped most middle school boys are?

NP here. This thought occurred to me too - this isn't an elementary school kid; this is a middle schooler, and OP, your DH's approach is a sure-fire way to make a kid this age hate, hate, hate math, and hate dad more than math. You do not want this dynamic just before high school starts. But you know that already!

It's very telling that you post how DH only engages with your son about math and nothing else, and had an authoritarian dad himself. I wonder if your DH would respond well to your pointing that out to him -- that he does not have much of a relationship with son and is totally focused on this one thing? Would he deny it and resist? There seems to be a need there for DH to get some therapy and see his own past objectively, and learn not to blow his relationships with his kids, but in the short term -- yes, you need to get DH to back off on this one thing, right now, before a huge blow-up with son that ends with a harder crackdown by dad.

As a PP says, what is dad's goal here? It's important to know: Does son have difficulty with math, is getting poor grades, and dad expects him to do better? Or does son do OK and dad is pushing for much higher grades even if son is doing decently? Or does dad aspire for son to get into TJ, or dad is wanting son to go into a math-related field someday in the future, or dad is in a math/science field himself and insists son should consider the same --? What's the motivation? If the issue is that son has difficulty with math, why isn't son's current teacher involved, or did dad decide to "fix this" himself?

Since getting dad to look at his own bigger picture will take time, and son needs dad to lay off right now, I'd try this for now: When things are calm -- NOT when dad has just been telling son again, "It's time for you to do your math sheet!" -- talk to your DH. I would not do this at home or with the kids around; get him out to a coffee shop or whatever. Without using accusatory language towards him, point out that on the evening you used as an example, the "must do worksheet" arrangement did not account for the late return home, the fact son was tired and wired at the same time, etc. Script it out in advance so you don't wing it, OP.

Then suggest that you reset this whole math thing starting now.

I would strongly recommend that, if dad wants son to do math over the summer, you both agree to contract that out, with an agreement that dad will back off if son will get tutoring. Son might be likelier to go willingly to tutoring if he knows dad is not going to hover or grill him about what he's learning. You will have to get between them, encouraging son to do math while ensuring DH keeps his bargain to stay back. Have tutoring options and details already written down to show DH when you talk, so things are not left hanging with "Well, we'll need to see what that costs, what the hours are...."

Get your son booked for summer at a Mathnasium if there is one near you. Mathnasium lets the kid do the work AT the center, and has no homework at all (Kumon sends home worksheets all the time, though if Kumon is your only local option, look into that). Mathnasium will work with you if son and dad go in and tell the center director what areas need the most work, or what son needs to brush up on to be ready for the next school year, or if this is intended as prep for some test whatever. In other words, dad will have to articulate the goals for son's extra work on math. You go too, so that you hear what dad says and what the center director says. Then dad drops it and lets the tutors do their jobs. OP, do you think your somewhat controlling DH is going to be able to hand over the math to a paid third party?....

Or get son an individual math tutor who meets son at a place that is not home -- library, coffee shop, etc., weekly during the summer, and who assigns a reasonable, not huge, amount of homework between sessions. Dad does not oversee that work. You, mom, should take on ensuring son completes the tutor's homework, but you do not check its accuracy-- you just ensure it's done.

In FCPS, the school system web site has a list of teachers who tutor on the side and you might find a private tutor that way, or your own school system might have such a list of you are not in FCPS, or your son's teacher may be able to direct you to tutors. I mention Mathnasium above just because we've used them in the summer for years. There are other tutoring centers as well.

But if your son is doing OK in math and your husband's only goal is for him to meet some arbitrary grade goal or get into a special program or pursue some future career that dad visualizes for him -- dad really does need to hear that he's harming both his relationship with his son and his son's relationship with math.

If DH will not hear this from you, you may need to enlist your son's math teacher or a friend of DH's to talk to DH about this.

Meanwhile, dad badly needs to find some activity to share with son. Anything. Get son to drive it -- help him find a class online that interests him and could involve dad. Or give them both a "gift" of a session doing paintball or laser tag or a kayaking lesson (try the nearest parks department or LL Bean) or a teen special event at the Spy Museum or whatever son would be into that could also involve dad. Get everyone out of town somewhere you can suggest that dad and son go hike on their own while you do other things with other kids etc. You may have to find ways to get son and dad together, not just a time or two but many times.

Unfortunately this situation forces you to be the one to do a lot of initial work, since it sounds like DH is not, on his own, going to come up with the idea of tutoring or ideas for ways to interact with his own son. But bear in mind that DH never seems to have had positive, fun interactions modeled for him by his own dad. That's another reason DH probably would benefit from therapy--and soon, since his teenage son is going to remember dad as just a strict math enforcer if dad doesn't let up.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is not a good Tiger parent, he's being inflexible, which is the opposite of what he should be to become effective.

The secret to pushing your child is knowing when to stop! Trust is the key to the relationship with a teen and if he pushes too hard without regard for his son's feelings and well-being, his son will rebel at some point.
Your husband needs to be much sneakier