DH is a jerk when family visits

[Anonymous]

My husband comes from a country where women are generally not respected and a common male bonding activity is to spend hours complaining about, and putting down, one's wife. That said, DH is not like that and not only is he generally respectful, he's also super engaged and the most involved father of any man in my social circle.

BUT, when his family is in town or one of his childhood friends is visiting, some of the entrenched habits come out and he's just an all around jerk. While I'd take the saint in private, jerk in public combo over the more common reverse, it would be nice to just have him be the guy I married most of the time. It ruins a lot of otherwise wonderful milestones, when family tends to be around, for him to be in jerk mode.

Anyone else deal with this? I've raised it in both kind and more pointed terms, no progress to date.

[Anonymous]

My DH's work culture is like that. A lot of the women put up with it. I just called him out on it. Bluntly. Right there, in front of everyone. Worked like a charm.

Hey, if people are going to sit around talking about how awful I am, may as well live up to their expectations, right?

[Anonymous]

I know that culture is extremely resistant to any form of change whatsoever, but we live in the United States & while I may sound ethnocentric about this, your husband should really know better than to talk negative about you behind your back to ANYONE.

Good common sense should dictate this.

[Anonymous]

My husband IS a jerk at every event, because he doesn't do well outside of his routine. And there's no cultural excuse, because even though he is not from here, none of his family is like this.

It's so frustrating and draining, so you have my sympathies, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it would be nice to just have him be the guy I married most of the time

It seems he is that way most of the time. He's not that way when family visits.

[Anonymous]

Well, everyone has their own cultures and some refuse to have any respect for women. If that's what you want marry a man from either the US or Western Europe when women are coming soldered equals and not servants...problem solved.

If you don't like a situation change it. You have no co trip on whether him or his family want to leave their archaic culture behind. You do have control over you and whether you put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, everyone has their own cultures and some refuse to have any respect for women. If that's what you want marry a man from either the US or Western Europe when women are coming soldered equals and not servants...problem solved.

If you don't like a situation change it. You have no co trip on whether him or his family want to leave their archaic culture behind. You do have control over you and whether you put up with it.

*marry a man from a culture where women are considered equals, like Western Europe or US/Canada.

You can't control his beliefs, you can can control whether or not you subject yourself to his/his family's archaic beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think he acts this way, OP? Does he acknowledge that he acts like a jerk? Does he say he feels that he needs to behave like his friends and family when they are around? Or does he want to behave differently and falls into old patterns despite his best intentions?

What are some examples of his behavior?

[Anonymous]

If we visit my Dh's family or have them visit us he is absentee, or just silent. He gives them monosyllabic answers to their attempts to have conversations and reads his phone instead. Its very rude. Its like the teen version of my DH.

I don't think family always brings out the best in people. This is one of the reasons we personally live thousands of miles away from them, on a different continent.

[Anonymous]

Is he aware he's doing it? I can see how he may not be. I'd be honest and talk to him about it when you're alone to make sure he's aware.