Summer with DS makes me anxious

[Anonymous]

My middle school DS has major anxiety/OCD and is reluctant to try new things. He also doesn't have many extracurricular interests (we've tried sports, theater, music, etc with little success) and so we've struggled to find suitable summer activities. Most of his friends will be away and so he'll be on his own. He's not a kid who is willing to do things if he won't know anyone. We've got several weeks covered at least with partial day activities, but still several weeks of nothing. I'm a highly anxious person myself and so this stresses me out. I know my kid enough to know that I can't force him to do things that he doesn't want to do -- it would be miserable for him and us, plus a waste of money. Still, I get nervous thinking about him sitting at home all day when there are no plans and watching Netflix. Not that he'll get in trouble, because he's a pretty good kid, but I just don't want him to get lonely and depressed. Can anyone relate to this?

[Anonymous]

Can you bring him to the pool? Would he enjoy that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you bring him to the pool? Would he enjoy that?

Op here. Nope. Doesn't enjoy the pool and literally none of his friends will be around for a good 4-6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Not a lot of ideas but just some commiseration. My DS is 9 and quirky and anxious and previous summers just doing a few activities and hanging out at home with mom have been fine for him. But I worry about this summer because he's actually interested enough in peers/friends that I think he will be lonely, but too anxious and socially immature to do any of the summer camps I have found (we don't live in DC area). I almost signed him up for a 1/2 day academic program because his best friend will be doing that all summer, but in the end I couldn't justify it (so expensive and he held his own academically this year...and any pkleasure he had from seeing the friend would be cancelled out by the school work).

Aside from the occasional playdate and maybe 1 activity a day (swim lesson, music lesson, writing tutor, errands, random fun stuff) it will be me and him this summer. I know he is going to be lonely and bored a lot. I am trying to think of some short trips we could take that might help break up the summer. Could you travel?

Also, last summer I had DS make a list of goals and that went pretty well (that was how the music lessons started), but your son is probably at an age where he will eye roll that if you suggest it. Does he see anyone for his anxiety? Could that person help you come up with a "summer plan"? I have no problem with screens, but maybe you guys could agree on some other things he will do each day this summer to keep the screen time (e.g., I think some sort of exercise would be hugely important to maintaining his mood).

[Anonymous]

Could you take him on day trips yourself? To the museums and things like that? You could ask him to a plan a day and then you could plan a day.

[Anonymous]

What activities does he enjoy? What are his interests?

[Anonymous]

Op here. At 13, he's not really interested in spending the day with me, but at the same time his friends won't be around. I wouldn't say there are activities that he loves, but there are some where he's rather indifferent and so I guess we could focus on them. I've asked him many times over the past few months what he'd like to try this summer, and also offered suggestions to get the juices flowing, but nothing sticks. Then again, I remember being around that age and sometimes my parents just signed me up for things because I had to do something. I didn't necessarily enjoy them, but they didn't scar me either. Maybe I just need to be okay with signing him up to do things that he'll tolerate, even if's he's not rah-rah about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. At 13, he's not really interested in spending the day with me, but at the same time his friends won't be around. I wouldn't say there are activities that he loves, but there are some where he's rather indifferent and so I guess we could focus on them. I've asked him many times over the past few months what he'd like to try this summer, and also offered suggestions to get the juices flowing, but nothing sticks. Then again, I remember being around that age and sometimes my parents just signed me up for things because I had to do something. I didn't necessarily enjoy them, but they didn't scar me either. Maybe I just need to be okay with signing him up to do things that he'll tolerate, even if's he's not rah-rah about them.

Yes. He doesn't have to be active all day every day but your instincts are correct: just sitting around alone playing video games is not going to make him happy.

Maybe make a list of activities and tell him "pick 3, otherwise I will" In a nice way, of course.

[Anonymous]

How about hiring an older "babysitter" for him - a few hours a day on weeks he isn't busy.

They could go to the movies, or bowling, or just go to the library, or take a walk. At least he won't be alone and it's something to do?

[Anonymous]

OP, your kid needs a kick in the pants.

Tell him he's going to spend a couple of weeks volunteering somewhere (tutoring little kids, reading stories with an elderly person at a nursing home, you fill in the blank), and see if that doesn't get him motivated.

You are babying him too much.

Signed, mother of an almost-13-year-old who has the same problem

[Anonymous]

You just need to put him something that you think he will like and let it be. If he is so dependent on friends, then it is time to make some new ones

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. At 13, he's not really interested in spending the day with me, but at the same time his friends won't be around. I wouldn't say there are activities that he loves, but there are some where he's rather indifferent and so I guess we could focus on them. I've asked him many times over the past few months what he'd like to try this summer, and also offered suggestions to get the juices flowing, but nothing sticks. Then again, I remember being around that age and sometimes my parents just signed me up for things because I had to do something. I didn't necessarily enjoy them, but they didn't scar me either. Maybe I just need to be okay with signing him up to do things that he'll tolerate, even if's he's not rah-rah about them.

Yes. He doesn't have to be active all day every day but your instincts are correct: just sitting around alone playing video games is not going to make him happy.

Maybe make a list of activities and tell him "pick 3, otherwise I will" In a nice way, of course.

You may want to look into half day events/camps. Or if there are things that he's interested in he could possibly do with a mentor--like a soccer coach or woodworking class or music class--essentially a private lesson for something.

The other thing I wonder about is can he volunteer somewhere? You mention that he has OCD, so maybe picking up trash in the park isn't ideal (not knowing his triggers). But maybe volunteering at a food bank, local community or school garden, walking a neighbor's dog?

[Anonymous]

I would sign him up for things he'll tolerate. He may find he enjoys them after doing them several times.

I'd also plan for things at home that will help break up the netflix binging. Chores, instrument or athletics practice, reading, learning something new in an area of interest, personal project like reorganizing his room or making model airplanes or learning photography.

[Anonymous]

I get that you don't want him to stay home because YOU are afraid he'll be bored or depressed, but have you talked to him about it? If he's anxious, he may enjoy the alone time to decompress.

I know when I was a kid, my parents never planned activities for me. Some days i was out all day with friends. Others, i was on the couch with a book just enjoying the quiet. He may like that better than being forced into activities that heighten his anxiety

[Anonymous]

I would start by looking at the community and local colleges. Often the colleges will offer 1 week programs for subjects that may be of more interest to the late pre-teen/teenage group. I have seen robotics, video game design, stage production (not acting) etc.

Also, the Smithsonian Museums, the Spy Museum and the Zoo all offer different summer programs which seem like they would interest the older kids a bit more.

I would also create a list of possible new things to learn/explore – cooking classes, golf lessons, rowing lessons or sailing lessons (trying to think of sports that are a little less team/typical sports). You may want to approach this in a “let’s think about college applications and life skills” kind of way.