Why do bully personalities always seem to win?

[Anonymous]

My family has been in a hellish situation with a bully personality for several years. This person is rich and powerful and has plenty of time to scheme and manipulate. I can't reveal specifics obviously but suffice it to say that we have consistently taken the high road and evasive strategies, only to have another round come our way whenever we are least expecting it. It's like living with a target on our heads. There are ways that we could fight back but others would be hurt in the process. So we take it on the chin.

All if this has dramatically affected our livelihood in recent years. We are kind, intelligent, well-educated people and we work extremely hard. We simply want to be left alone. We are exhausted. The person is a narcissist so there is no placating. It's so frustrating and demoralizing.

Facts don't seem to matter. People are drawn to the money and power it seems, even though they know the is person isn't a moral and decent person.

Seeing all the drama with our current President is shaking my hope and compounding my feelings. It is increasingly seeming that money and power are all that matter to people anymore.

If you have anything supportive or insightful that you can offer, I'd be grateful. Also - I know that this is DCUM, but "suck it up, snowflake" type comments aren't helpful. I promise you that we aren't snowflakes...just particularly bad at politics, it seems.

[Anonymous]

All the crazy news that Trump is generating has had a huge negative impact on a few of my family members. I would try to stay away from it if you are getting too emotionally involved. It's good to be informed, but you aren't accomplishing anything by watching this garbage.

Not sure about the other stuff. Maybe you can post a few more details so that people can give you some advice.

[Anonymous]

Are you the Poldarks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the Poldarks?

No.

I can't be more specific. DC is a small town in many ways. Suffice it to say that we got in the cross-hairs of this person due to this person's own bad behavior and this person has made it a mission to hurt us as much as possible. This person is quite unhinged, but as I said, wealthy and powerful so people accept the crazy and kiss the ring.

I'm starting to think that we might have to do something dramatic like leave the area. Our family is otherwise rooted here though so that would be very difficult.

I agree with PP that I do probably need to avoid the news as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

In the Usual Suspects there's something about what makes Kaiser Sose so scary, and that's that he is always willing to go one step further than the other person. It keeps people in check.

I've had instances when I Tigressed out and "went there" with a bully. Crushed their power by demonstrating how I was willing to go further than the brief intimidation they desired.

In your situation, with others at stake, you have to consider the pay off. What would a "win" look like for you AND what will the consequences be for the people you aim to protect, your children, your future?

Sounds like a mighty inheritance is at stake. If so, find your balance and tow the line. I wouldn't give up a $5m pay off for my children for the brief release of a good telling-off. Hide, send cards (always handmade from the children), get a prescription that allows you to interact (but not drink) at forced get togethers. Sacrifice is its own strength. You're just playing the long game. It's okay, OP.

Outli ing them and retaining the love of your family is the win. Not constant, well-intentioned combat. Those are film heroes. Real heroes take it on the chin and get through the day.

Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

The rational strategy is to respond in kind.

With the Prisoner's dilemma, two people being nice both win a little. Where one person is nice and one person is an asshole, the asshole wins big and the nice person loses big. Where both people are assholes, both people lose (but not as much as the nice person facing the asshole).

The rational strategy is to start nice but, if the other person goes the asshole route, you respond in kind until they change.

[Anonymous]

Master the art of staying silent.

It's really beneficial but so, so hard for so, so many.

When I say silent, I mean not engaging at all with the person, not giving away any of your personal information to anyone at any time, not answering regarding jabs people take at you or gossip they report.

[Anonymous]

Because they have no shame and the truth is, most of us are socialized to want to "fit in" and obey social mores so when we come up against someone who just doesn't care what other people think of them or their actions, it's hard to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The rational strategy is to respond in kind.

Not going to work against someone more rich and powerful than you.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that seems to counterbalance these megalomaniacs is so social media. If they are exposed to the light of day, the masses can rise up to punish them.

The truth is like a lion, set it free and it will defend itself - on social media.

I say - expose them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The rational strategy is to respond in kind.

Not going to work against someone more rich and powerful than you.

Not to mention that if you yourselves are not NPD sociopaths, you won't be willing or able to go as low or as far as this person, and you won't have the drive, dedication, skill, and experience that this person brings to this game. Know yourself.

If your attempts to get off their radar and distance yourself haven't worked, then it's probably not a bad idea to consider putting more distance between you.

[Anonymous]

Op here. We have avoided orbits and have been quiet. This person actively seeks out ours and tries to do harm.

I love the rest of our life here but am so tired of worrying about when this person is going to come out of the woodwork again. It sucks having a gray cloud - especially when we've always tried to do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

If this is causing you this much stress maybe you will be able to get a no contact restraining order (no direct or indirect contact).

I would phone the police station (the detachment itself, not 911) and ask. Otherwise a lawyer could help you file for the order too.

It's harassing you and your family and you sound like you've tolerated a lot. Get the order and breathe easier.

[Anonymous]

It sounds as if the money and power are why this person is winning, rather than the personality in itself.

[Anonymous]

Because you have to meet crazy at crazy then ratchet it up. Most times the people that say take the high road are folks who don't that themselves. Do a roundhouse kick and knock this person out of your life.