Talk me down: I cannot stand my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

I have issues with all of them, and over the years, I have gotten a grip enough to live and let live.

BUT.

My BIL and his wife have two adorable and HORRIBLY behaved kids. They, as parents and as people, are fairly miserable. Addiction issues, depression, maybe even some bipolar in there. It is VERY hard to be around them. They are simultaneously passive-aggressive and incredibly angry. This trickles down to the kids in all sorts of ways, but let's just say it: they are hellions.

Of course, my kids love their cousins, but I cannot stand to be with this family. It is out and out depressing, and outside of larger family events (which happen MINIMUM once a month) we do not see them.

NOW my older child is asking to see her cousins more and more. I DONT WANNA. (I whine). It is so so so bad. And my older, it seems, has started to say things to my BIL my mom doesn't like you and you have no rules in your house. Of course, this is kind of true and makes me feel horrible.

I need to suck this up, right? Or no? My BIL can be an emotional bully. His wife is bonkers. How long do I have to dance around this? I guess as long as they are family, right?

Ugh. I just WISH WISH WISH WISH for some slightly normal extended family.

Thanks for letting me vent and any words of wisdom will help....try not to be too critical, DCUMers....I am doing my best.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy. I am so so sorry. The whole thing sucks.

I know it will be hard, but you have to bite your tongue in front of your children as it looks like it's starting to come back and bite you in the you know where.

I don't think you need to spend extended time with them. If the kids want to hang out, why don't you plan some outings so it's on neutral turf. Meet at museums or parks and keep the visits short.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

This does suck. Did BIL confront you about it?
I might just have it out. It would mess up relations but at least everything would be out in the open.

But of course the adult in me knows that's not the most mature thing to do... sounds like you have that adult voice in you too.

Put up with it, let it blow over...

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, PP. I know, I need to totally keep my mouth shut. AND be fake. These are tall tasks. TALL. My oldest child is repeating things I have said after my nephews have destroyed things in my house...I need to button it up.

Thanks...

[Anonymous]

OP- I feel for you as I'm in the same boat. I can't stand my SIL. Unfortunately, you just suck it up and be fake. I am looking forward to when my son and his cousin are old enough to have sleep-overs so that they can hang out at my house (or theirs) but we don't 'all' have to necessarily be together. I know it sucks.

[Anonymous]

I actually have a different opinion in large part because I would not want my children in such a household as it sounds very unsafe. I also would not want children in my house who are destructiveand since there is a history of this, you have factual support. I would tell my child in no uncertain terms that her cousins are unruly, poorly mannered, badly behaved children and I do not want her spending time with them. I would also have a very serious talk with her about keepiong what is said in her house, by her parents, private. She should learn that lesson now. Her repeating your comments was inappropriate. I would make that clear.

I am assuming this is your husband's brother, correct? If yes, how does your husband feel about thee people? Hopefully he agrees with you and will stand up to his brother if challeneged and stand with you when you lay this out for your children. I might invite the cousins back to my house but only after sitting them down and expalining that IN YOUR HOUSE THERE ARE RULES and those who do not follow the rules will not be welcome again. Perhaps its an opportunity to help them move past the unfortunate circumstances at home. Under NO circumstnaces though would I leave my children in a house with no rules and destructive adult behavior.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to family life-best advice-jump now, you'll thank yourself in heaven.

[Anonymous]

In laws just suck in general!

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP!

[Anonymous]

Wow - OP, sorry about having to deal with destruction on your own turf. In the future you might want to really censure yourself to be sure that whatever comes out of your mouth is something you are ok with having repeated (if you can't say something nice, don't speak??) and yes, your children can start learning about keeping things that are said in your house, in your house. However, surely you can make arrangements to meet at parks, the zoo, etc? If they have twp active boys (like I do) a park or outdoor venue is usually best. Keep it public, keep it neutral - they are family, and when it's family, nobody wins the verbal wars. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I personally don't think you have an obligation to be nice to people for the sake of family. I think you *do* have an obligation to your kids to teach them the right way to behave. That (in my opinion) includes calling people on hurtful behavior. You don't need to be rude, but you can say things like "that's not how we do things here" or "that comment hurts my feelings". You can ask people to follow your rules in your house, when it comes to being polite and behaving well (especially kids, but adults too!). Your kids will learn by example to stick up for their values and their emotional well being.

[Anonymous]

You could try

www.motherinlawstories.com

[Anonymous]

I'm from the other side. This is a husband, and my wife cannot STAND my parents or a bunch of the rest of my side of the family. I too find them to be really tough to be around: passive agressive, horribly behaved cousins, bad parenting, bad role models as grandparents/cousins., safety issues. None of them live near us, thank goodness, but it's super, super tough. And i'm in this terrible position of being the "black sheep" in the family as the only one on the outs. Knowing they are still my parents, my cousins, etc and I grew up with all of them, yet live totally different lives now and do not see eye to eye at all--there are a few people in my family i'm still close with but no one lives near. I have so many stories about my family and wife I could write a book. I've been to therapy to try to deal with this, but it really is difficult--because inevitably you are taking sides. I love my inlaws, which is nice for me because I have that outlet, but obviously creates additional friction with my side of the family. It's such a mess. I have meant to post somethign on this forum before to seek advice. I try to talk to my wife about it--can't she just not go crazy every time we bring them up--but it's not easy. I'd like my kids to get to see their grandparents, and know their cousins, but at the same time, the behaviour of all them is atrocious. I feel for the OP. I would just encourage you to talk to your husband--see how he feels--if he doesn't want to be around his side of family, then don't do it--and set parameters if it does happen (as difficult as that is). I wish my wife would be more receptive (but really the feeling is mutual they don't like her and she doesn't like them!). I wish things could be easier.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to invite the cousins over without their parents? If so, I'd go that route whenever possible. And then do the ol "in my house everyone follows the house rules" thing.

[Anonymous]

Hm, this got me to thinking about other in-laws situations.

I'm pretty sure my aunts (my dad's sisters) hate my mom, and have forever. But they still invited me over, and let their kids (my cousins) come to our house for weekends and whatnot. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'm pretty sure if the internet had existed back then, they would have been furiously tapping out rants about their awful sister-in-law (my mom). I appreciate now that they put family first, and let me grow up with my cousins, and avoided any tension that the kids could have perceived. I think I was in my 20s before one of them let me see the first little glimmer of antipathy. And then, it was mostly about sympathizing with me when I was having a hard time with mother dearest.

Not preaching, just sharing. Good luck.