If your child is not into appearances....? And studying?

[Anonymous]

(13 yr old dd)

if your child is not into appearances, do you require him/her to treat acne, wear bras (for girls), use deoderant, etc.? How much do you supervise and how much do you just let be?

If your child has not shown a lot of initiative for a particular subject (like math), and grades when left to his/her own devices would be in the C range... do you step in to tutor/make the child do problems/workbooks at home? We tried mathnasium, but it seems absurd to spend $300/mo. when the kid doesn't actually want to put forth the effort.

[Anonymous]

Hygiene - we insist on the basics. Deodorant, regular showers, face washing. I would insist on a bra, but allow soft sportsbra-like bras as appropriate for bust size.

School - effort non-negotiable. After that, grades fall where they fall. A C in math is unacceptable because math is just too useful in real life.

[Anonymous]

As long as my DD does not stink, and is not too jiggle/apparent jiggling, I leave her alone.

If I see her come down the stares and the lack of bra is noticeable, I tell her to put one on. Somewhat awkward since I am her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hygiene - we insist on the basics. Deodorant, regular showers, face washing. I would insist on a bra, but allow soft sportsbra-like bras as appropriate for bust size.

School - effort non-negotiable. After that, grades fall where they fall. A C in math is unacceptable because math is just too useful in real life.

Isn't that a bit contradictory? If they are trying and still get a C, why is that unacceptable if it's their best effort? Not saying that you can't try to supplement with tutoring, but to say it's unacceptable seems too black and white to me.

[Anonymous]

i think it's wrong to insist on a bra. If your daughter is wearing something so thin that you feel it's indecent, you could say she needs to make some adjustment (ie, wear something else with thicker or looser material, or an undershirt) but no one should be forced to wear a bra if they don't want to. That's abuse, in my book.

I also think deodorant should be optional. If a kid takes daily showers and changes clothes daily, they really don't need deodorant, and it has potentially cancer-causing or at least allergy-inducing ingredients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i think it's wrong to insist on a bra. If your daughter is wearing something so thin that you feel it's indecent, you could say she needs to make some adjustment (ie, wear something else with thicker or looser material, or an undershirt) but no one should be forced to wear a bra if they don't want to. That's abuse, in my book.

I also think deodorant should be optional. If a kid takes daily showers and changes clothes daily, they really don't need deodorant, and it has potentially cancer-causing or at least allergy-inducing ingredients.

Oh my god that is not abuse

[Anonymous]

There is a stage girls go through called "cocooning" where they don't want to be seen as sexual. I'm sure it has to do with our oversexualization of girls. So many girls try for an asexual look (gray t-shirt, basketball shorts, nothing fashionable, lank hair and no deoderant etc)

I have two DDs and one went right into the fashion/makeup, and the other went feral. Part of it was that she developed faster than her classmates so wanted to hide that.

Her dark hair is very long but split and sunbleached at the ends, and the hairdresser said "it's the age and don't push it" and so I took her to "get some conditioner in the ends" and she agreed to 1/4 inch off.

Yesterday we were hiking and she mentioned she keeps forgetting deodorant.

Sports bras will work...if she's in a uniform, fyi Nike makes a white one.

[Anonymous]

I made her look appropriate. So makeup or coverup was not required. Skincare was though.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thanks for the input. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm over-parenting b/c these things are literally daily issues. I would prefer to be "hands off" -- -but is that really just the easy way out (i.e. giving up on parenting)? Or am I being too involved by requiring her to use deodorant (yes, there is noticeable stink even she she uses it and it's hot... and very unpleasant when she doesn't use it at all)... and put on a bra? I took her to a dermotologist and bought some treatment and face cleanser... but she doesn't use it on her own, and argues when I remind her to put the gel on (which takes 30 sec.)

With math, I have been working with her for years... and typically it does help her grade.... but it doesn't help our relationship b/c she really doesn't want help and doesn't want to do the extra problems at home (not a lot -- like 20 on line practice questions for the state tests each night, or 4 sides of workbook pages). I feel like I'm trying to help her and all I get in return is sarcasm, snippy comments, and resistance.

Is this what parenting a teen is all about? Am I supposed to be caring about this stuff more than she does? I know my parents weren't involved in my acne/bras/deodeoant and math practice.

[Anonymous]

You have described my 13 YO DD. She almost defiantly does not care about her appearance.

I make her:

Shower each morning
brush her teeth twice a day
wash her face with acne treatment once a day
I would make her wear a bra if she didn't want to. She does want to because she is shy about her body. It would attract a LOT of attention if she didn't wear a bra.

do her homework and study. If she doesn't maintain Bs and above she loses her extracurricular (that she loves).

That's the bare minimum IMHO. I do wonder what is going to happen when she's on her own and I don't tell her to brush her teeth anymore

[Anonymous]

I'd also think about possible depression I have depression and when in a bad place I could care less about showering my appearance and similar.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, hire a math tutor. She needs to learn this and that way it won't poison your relationship after the first month of pushback.

I know of what I speak on this one. My kid still makes snide remarks about the tutor to me, but he listens to her and his work is better.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree about screening for depression.

I'm strict. I would force all the basic hygiene and bra wearing, and continue mathnasium and tutoring until grades are all As and Bs. All extracurriculars would cease if grades aren't maintained. Mathnasium doesn't require math at home so in that sense it would work better than your helping at home, although yes, it's pricier.

So long as the face is washed, I wouldn't force the acne treatment.

My parents weren't involved in all this stuff with me either, but then again I was doing all those bare minimum things so they didn't have to!

[Anonymous]

I can't help with the studying, but I was not into appearances when I was younger. My father was/is a real creep and make me/makes me uncomfortable. I wouldn't wear a bra but a swimsuit under my baggy clothes. I would try to make myself look as ugly as possible. I hid any development.

Perhaps she will grow out of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i think it's wrong to insist on a bra. If your daughter is wearing something so thin that you feel it's indecent, you could say she needs to make some adjustment (ie, wear something else with thicker or looser material, or an undershirt) but no one should be forced to wear a bra if they don't want to. That's abuse, in my book.

I also think deodorant should be optional. If a kid takes daily showers and changes clothes daily, they really don't need deodorant, and it has potentially cancer-causing or at least allergy-inducing ingredients.

What a deeply offensive comment. Jesus.