Family member with public outbursts scares me

[Anonymous]

I have a cousin. She scares me with her public outbursts and fits and tantrums. She couldn't possibly do this with everyone. As an example, she wanted to visit a college in California where she now lives. She suddenly started screaming and yelling that she really wanted to go there when she was younger. We are in our late 40s.

She will scream, yell, holler in public. She frightens me. Years will go by and I think I can handle seeing her. Then she has an outburst.

She is married and has a boyfriend who lives in NYC. She wants to fly in to meet her boyfriend here, stay a day early or a day later from their week long vacation.. She wants me to meet the boyfriend. This also scares me.

To be honest, I don't believe she wants to see me. She just wants a free place to stay to meet her boyfriend.

What do I do? Ignore her calls or texts if she comes here?

[Anonymous]

You two aren't close. Tell her you're busy, not a good time.

[Anonymous]

So many red flags here, I don't know where to begin, but the solution is the same:

NO.

Even if she wasn't on her way to cheat on her husband, it would still be no.
Pretext a trip or appointment or illness. Say no. Distance yourself. She is mentally unstable.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know most of what you wrote is true. I thought maybe she had narcissistic personality disorder. I don't know. She has a daughter who I used to visit when she was a baby and a little girl. I felt sorry for the little girl. However, the daughter is now almos in high school, and she too throws temper tantrums.

We have mutual connected family and friends. No one else seems to say anything to her because they want a relationship with her young daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know most of what you wrote is true. I thought maybe she had narcissistic personality disorder. I don't know. She has a daughter who I used to visit when she was a baby and a little girl. I felt sorry for the little girl. However, the daughter is now almos in high school, and she too throws temper tantrums.

We have mutual connected family and friends. No one else seems to say anything to her because they want a relationship with her young daughter.

If the child is in high school, she will soon be of the age where you will be able to reach out to her directly. No point in sweetening the mother.

[Anonymous]

You're free to set whatever boundaries make you feel safe. You say this person's behavior scares you. So don't host her in your house. I know that will be hard and there may be fall out, but what's the point of having family that's verbally abusive & scaring you?

[Anonymous]

the 2 of you are in your 40's? No. Just no, this is asking for a really big and dangerous problem. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

What is even the question here? Do you need permission to say no?

[Anonymous]

Can you tell her you don't approve of her cheating on her dh and you won't facilitate it? What are you afraid will happen?

[Anonymous]

Just say no. Seriously. Especially to meeting the married boyfriend...good grief. NO!

[Anonymous]

OP here. She texted me today wanting a ride from the airport tomorrow. She and her boyfriend from NYC still have no reservations for a hotel to stay anywhere. I told her it was short notice. I had a reserved event c and couldn't pick her up at the airport. She says she will take Uber. I say no, not a good idea. She can't stay here. I told her to let me know where she is staying and maybe we could meet for lunch or a quick drink.

She reacted by getting angry with her texts. She doesn't like to here the word no. She texted back that she would have made time and room for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She texted me today wanting a ride from the airport tomorrow. She and her boyfriend from NYC still have no reservations for a hotel to stay anywhere. I told her it was short notice. I had a reserved event c and couldn't pick her up at the airport. She says she will take Uber. I say no, not a good idea. She can't stay here. I told her to let me know where she is staying and maybe we could meet for lunch or a quick drink.

She reacted by getting angry with her texts. She doesn't like to here the word no. She texted back that she would have made time and room for me.

Telling her it's short notice and you can't pick her up at the airport is not "No." You need to start out with a clear no.

"Sorry but this is not going to work out. Maybe next time. Have a great trip."

[Anonymous]

With people like this (ex: my mother) I start with a firm answer the first time the subject comes up. She will try to weasel a way in, she knows your weaknesses, she is relying on you to be polite. Don't be rude, just firm. You don't even need a reason. "No, you can't stay with us."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She texted me today wanting a ride from the airport tomorrow. She and her boyfriend from NYC still have no reservations for a hotel to stay anywhere. I told her it was short notice. I had a reserved event c and couldn't pick her up at the airport. She says she will take Uber. I say no, not a good idea. She can't stay here. I told her to let me know where she is staying and maybe we could meet for lunch or a quick drink.

She reacted by getting angry with her texts. She doesn't like to here the word no. She texted back that she would have made time and room for me.

When people are nice to you, you don't always need to be nice in return. I know it's hard for us people-pleasers, but in this case it's warranted.

[Anonymous]

You told her no. Of course she will react with anger and annoyance. But that's her problem, not yours. You don't have to put her feelings first, ahead of your own. Good for you for establishing a boundary. You're not a hotel!