What is the oldest age child you know who was placed for adoption, voluntarily by parents?

[Anonymous]

A family we knew at our old church (different area of the country) is struggling with parenthood. Not financially, but emotionally or lifestyle wise. The child is two years old. I have been told that they are considering placing her for adoption. There was no thought of adoption when the child was born. They have just realized that parenting is hard as hell, and that they may be in over their heads or more than they want to be.

The care teams are church at helping the family work through this. I am not sure what that means, but it had me wondering if this is common. Do you know of instances where "older" babies or children were placed for adoption for reasons other than death, crisis, mental/substance issues?

[Anonymous]

The oldest I know is a baby. How old are these parents? Is this some extenuating circumstance?

[Anonymous]

Well, my dad pretty much washed his hands of my brother when he was 13 and "gave'" him to my aunt and uncle across the country. I think that is different from what you're describing.

Certainly, older kids are taken from families all the time and end up in foster care and adoption. The dysfunctions that lead to this are not limited to the poor/brown. It's just that richer families escape CPS scrutiny and their problems get called "emotional or lifestyle," and not neglect or abuse.

I think a family like this, you'd want to consider whether a relative can step in, even a distant one. A stranger adoption for a 2 year old sounds brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The oldest I know is a baby. How old are these parents? Is this some extenuating circumstance?

They are college graduates. I think around 26.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, my dad pretty much washed his hands of my brother when he was 13 and "gave'" him to my aunt and uncle across the country. I think that is different from what you're describing.

Certainly, older kids are taken from families all the time and end up in foster care and adoption. The dysfunctions that lead to this are not limited to the poor/brown. It's just that richer families escape CPS scrutiny and their problems get called "emotional or lifestyle," and not neglect or abuse.

I think a family like this, you'd want to consider whether a relative can step in, even a distant one. A stranger adoption for a 2 year old sounds brutal.

In other words ... I am guessing there is in fact substance abuse, domestic abuse, or serious mental health issues going on. People don't seriously consider giving up 2 year olds just because parenting is hard. I doubt you have the full story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The oldest I know is a baby. How old are these parents? Is this some extenuating circumstance?

They are college graduates. I think around 26.

Oh man. I hope they get some support because that is really terrible. Assuming the kid is a typical 2 year old, how hard can it really be?

[Anonymous]

An ex colleague placed her 9yo dd for adoption. The reason she gave me (we were cubemates) is that her dd was annoying. The state made her pay child support until the little girl was adopted (at 11.5).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An ex colleague placed her 9yo dd for adoption. The reason she gave me (we were cubemates) is that her dd was annoying. The state made her pay child support until the little girl was adopted (at 11.5).

[Anonymous]

I know an adult whose single parent abandoned her as a teenager. It's not uncommon, but as a previous poster noted, it's usually described as "abuse", "abandonment" or "neglect" rather than voluntarily surrendering the child for adoptive placement. Seems like the parents who go this route don't usually have the consideration/wherewithal to think about the child's best interests and act accordingly.

If the parent can't parent, the earlier they admit it to themselves, the better. There are many caring adults in the US waiting to adopt a two year old without significant health problems. (I have friends who fit this description!) As the child gets older, the harder it will be to find a suitable adoptive home.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who privately adopted a 3 year old. The mother decided at that time to place the child for adoption, but I don't know anything else because I wasn't particularly close to the adoptive parents. I know that they were OVER THE MOON because they had wanted to parent for a long time, had a long struggle with infertility, and were just thrilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who privately adopted a 3 year old. The mother decided at that time to place the child for adoption, but I don't know anything else because I wasn't particularly close to the adoptive parents. I know that they were OVER THE MOON because they had wanted to parent for a long time, had a long struggle with infertility, and were just thrilled.

We have friends who adopted a healthy 2 year old. We did not ask about the back story though of course we are still curious to this day -- but none of our business. The birth mom was still in the picture somehow but the kid had not been in foster care, so it seemed like more an adoption thing than an abuse/abandonment thing, but only they know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An ex colleague placed her 9yo dd for adoption. The reason she gave me (we were cubemates) is that her dd was annoying. The state made her pay child support until the little girl was adopted (at 11.5).

that's crazy. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

My cousin kicked out/ gave up her three oldest children when they each reached about 8-9 years old and family members adopted them. Her husband (their stepdad) targeted them each pretty systematically, picking fights and them framing it as the kids being bad and troublemakers and she would boot them for trying to cause problems with her man. Yea, she's a real piece of shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who privately adopted a 3 year old. The mother decided at that time to place the child for adoption, but I don't know anything else because I wasn't particularly close to the adoptive parents. I know that they were OVER THE MOON because they had wanted to parent for a long time, had a long struggle with infertility, and were just thrilled.

We have friends who adopted a healthy 2 year old. We did not ask about the back story though of course we are still curious to this day -- but none of our business. The birth mom was still in the picture somehow but the kid had not been in foster care, so it seemed like more an adoption thing than an abuse/abandonment thing, but only they know.

As an adoptive parent, I would just like to say THANK YOU for realizing this! Seriously. I can't tell you the amount of people who feel entitled to know my son's story, when it's his story to tell (or not tell). Props to your friends, too, for keeping their son's story to themselves. You are good friends!

[Anonymous]

On a weekly basis, I nurture an adoption fantasy with regard to my two uppermiddle-class sons, each time they release a tirade of rageful insults or physical attacks at me for asking them to behave like responsible human beings. So, yes, this is something I can understand. Judge away.