Husband nasty to family

[Anonymous]

I am very close to my family. My husband is very cold, distant, and generally not that nice to my family. He is always civil, but just not nice. He indirectly (to me) has called my mother "whacky" and "weird." It makes me SO incredibly angry. When we are at family gatherings, he will offer beverages only to his family. He basically never talks to my family. I make the effort to host and talk to his family. It infuriates me. I have talked to him about it. He makes it out to where it is JUST SO HARD to be nice to my family and expects praise when he's just normal to them. They are always nice and polite to him. What can I do to change this? It infuriates me.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they said something to him a long time ago and he's holding a grudge. Have you asked why he's cruel to them? Have you said, "Stop criticizing my mother. I don't want to hear you say another negative thing about her. I love her, you love me, and you saying these things hurts my feelings. YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS. Stop it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they said something to him a long time ago and he's holding a grudge. Have you asked why he's cruel to them? Have you said, "Stop criticizing my mother. I don't want to hear you say another negative thing about her. I love her, you love me, and you saying these things hurts my feelings. YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS. Stop it."

I have. And he apologizes for hurting my feelings, but that's it. And he doesn't actually step up when we're all together in person unless I specifically say - I want you to do this - I will be really really upset if you don't. It should not be that hard. My family is pleasant to him and easy to talk to.

[Anonymous]

My husband doesn't really like my family either. I just give him the option of not spending time with them as often as possible. It seems to help if he chooses to attend events where they will be present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they said something to him a long time ago and he's holding a grudge. Have you asked why he's cruel to them? Have you said, "Stop criticizing my mother. I don't want to hear you say another negative thing about her. I love her, you love me, and you saying these things hurts my feelings. YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS. Stop it."

I have. And he apologizes for hurting my feelings, but that's it. And he doesn't actually step up when we're all together in person unless I specifically say - I want you to do this - I will be really really upset if you don't. It should not be that hard. My family is pleasant to him and easy to talk to.

Has he ever said why it's so hard for him to be pleasant to them? Does he generally have a hard time hiding his feelings or performing social niceties? Weird that he's so rude to your family if they haven't given him any cause.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like he has mommy issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they said something to him a long time ago and he's holding a grudge. Have you asked why he's cruel to them? Have you said, "Stop criticizing my mother. I don't want to hear you say another negative thing about her. I love her, you love me, and you saying these things hurts my feelings. YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS. Stop it."

I have. And he apologizes for hurting my feelings, but that's it. And he doesn't actually step up when we're all together in person unless I specifically say - I want you to do this - I will be really really upset if you don't. It should not be that hard. My family is pleasant to him and easy to talk to.

Has he ever said why it's so hard for him to be pleasant to them? Does he generally have a hard time hiding his feelings or performing social niceties? Weird that he's so rude to your family if they haven't given him any cause.

No. I think he decided early on that he was not going to like my family. I think he is jealous that I am close to them. Also, his mother did the same thing to his father and his father's family. Basically decided she didn't like them and would never see them.

[Anonymous]

You nailed it OP: he is jealous of your family and he did not have a good role model in his own family to encourage in-law relationships. My BIL has always looked down his nose at our family. We weren't rich or smart enough to get his respect, even though he claims not to be materialistic or a snob. His mother always fostered relationships with her side of the family but criticized the father's side. Now my nephews are doing the same. I blame my sister for letting him get away with it. She stood passively by and let him criticize her and us and spend their family time with his extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they said something to him a long time ago and he's holding a grudge. Have you asked why he's cruel to them? Have you said, "Stop criticizing my mother. I don't want to hear you say another negative thing about her. I love her, you love me, and you saying these things hurts my feelings. YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS. Stop it."

I have. And he apologizes for hurting my feelings, but that's it. And he doesn't actually step up when we're all together in person unless I specifically say - I want you to do this - I will be really really upset if you don't. It should not be that hard. My family is pleasant to him and easy to talk to.

Has he ever said why it's so hard for him to be pleasant to them? Does he generally have a hard time hiding his feelings or performing social niceties? Weird that he's so rude to your family if they haven't given him any cause.

No. I think he decided early on that he was not going to like my family. I think he is jealous that I am close to them. Also, his mother did the same thing to his father and his father's family. Basically decided she didn't like them and would never see them.

Oh boy. So if being rude to your family is the symptom, what is the disease? Why is he jealous of your closeness? That's the real question. A loving partner supports healthy, close relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You nailed it OP: he is jealous of your family and he did not have a good role model in his own family to encourage in-law relationships. My BIL has always looked down his nose at our family. We weren't rich or smart enough to get his respect, even though he claims not to be materialistic or a snob. His mother always fostered relationships with her side of the family but criticized the father's side. Now my nephews are doing the same. I blame my sister for letting him get away with it. She stood passively by and let him criticize her and us and spend their family time with his extended family.

See this is why I don't want to stand by passively. But I'm just not sure what to do. I have expressed my anger, I have expressed my hurt feelings, I have told him flatly to stop. He always apologizes for hurting my feelings, but it continues. I really don't want him trying to control the family dynamic in this way. My family is also a lot more intelligent than his side, but they have more money. My cynical side can't help but think if my family had more money he would be super nice to them. I need help on how to stop this.

[Anonymous]

Shitty husbands seems to be a pattern here. How can so many of you marry such defective men ?

[Anonymous]

Please don't have children with this guy. He sounds like a walking personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't have children with this guy. He sounds like a walking personality disorder.

Too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn't really like my family either. I just give him the option of not spending time with them as often as possible. It seems to help if he chooses to attend events where they will be present.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Shitty husbands seems to be a pattern here. How can so many of you marry such defective men ?

We feel sorry for them and try to fix them so the world will be a better place.