Highly Emotional 5 Year Old - Where to Start

[Anonymous]

I'm at a loss on where to start here. Our DD is 5 and has always been an emotional child. While generally happy, full of energy and very affectionate, she can easily be upset and it turns into hours of crying...at home and school. At first as a baby, toddler we thought it was development or a behavior issue. As she's grown, it's not something she's grown out of. Conventional cause/consequence discipline doesn't work on her. She will cry herself sick, literally. The only thing that calms her down is a very long hug, where I hold her and speak softly in her ear. These out bursts can come on for any reason big or small...asking her to take something upstairs, or no you cannot have a rice crispy treat before bed.

Admittedly, before we realized this was a potential issue, it could be battle royale in our house...and test of wills child vs. parent. We'd ask her why she wasn't listening or refused to do what we asked. We tried reason where we explain consequence, we've tried quiet time to read or be alone to calm down. Nothing really works.

At this point, I don't think its something she's going to grow out of and we need to give her the tools and support to work through this. Additionally it impacts her at school...just yesterday she was asked to go to the back of the line while she put her coat on to go outside. She started crying for so long and hard, she missed the entire 30 minute recess. When I asked her if she was able to stop crying she said she wanted to but didn't know how.

At this point I'm looking for help, insight, recommendations and similar experiences and what you did. I read about psychologists, occupational therapists, neuropsych, developmental peds....I just don't know where to start. We live in MD, but I'm willing to go to DC or VA for the right support.

Thanks for your help!

[Anonymous]

All three of my children are deeply loving and highly emotional, but all three also have diagnosed anxiety (they are 14, 11, and 5). I can reassure that as they get older, they do figure out how to cope and manage these volatile emotions better. I can tell you a little bit about what has helped the most.

I have to tell you 5 is a rough year in all different kinds of way in terms of development, new situations and higher expectations all the way around. What has really helped my middle child in particular is being able to call on the school counselor when he needs her. We are lucky to have an extremely proactive guidance counselor at our elementary school, and if your daughter is having any emotional moments she can't control at school, the counselor is a great place to start. In elementary, this is almost all the counselors do! They work with kids about their feelings, talk them through it, and start teaching them the skills now for how to get a handle on their emotions and come down off the ledge. That can mean working with them individually or helping meditate a conflict between children who aren't sure how to manage. At our school, our counselor uses a stuffed animal (a "feelings tiger") for example that the kids can use to work through how they are feeling. Even if it's just for five minutes, my son can pop into her office, talk about it and go back to class happy and ready to get back to it.

My oldest did not finally let me seek out a psych for her until 7th grade even though she has always been high anxiety (she hides it very well by being very outgoing and having a gazillion friends and doing drama club and all other types of things). Even her teachers didn't even really figure it out, though we knew. The psych is great (if you want to try meds for example), but again, my daughter (who is now in a GT high school program) has found much better use from her school counselor. When you said your daughter said she wanted to stop crying but didn't know how, it made me think of my oldest. At 4, she cried piteously about us leaving her at a class, even though we were behind a curtain in the next room. She desperately wanted to be able to do it, but just couldn't. That was the anxiety. Now she pushes herself all the time to go beyond the boundaries her anxiety creates for her, and she is doing really, really well. But she would give anything not to have the anxiety in the first place. But having someone "on site" who can be there for her at a moment's notice is really valuable. One accommodation my oldest gets at school is a "flash pass," which means if she is getting upset or anxious, she is free to get up and leave the room no questions asked to go to her counselor.

Living it right now with my own 5 year old, and on that count, I'll just send you lots of virtual hugs! HTH

[Anonymous]

Since you say a very long hug calms her, can you try a weighted vest or blanket?


https://www.especialneeds.com/sensory-hugs-weighted-vests.html

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to your pediatrician? If not, you could always start there. I think they will refer you to a child psychologist. If she doesn't have any other issues, she does not need a neurophycolgist. She probably could benefit from some play therapy.

http://www.alvordbaker.com/ has social groups called resilience building groups. That sounds like something she could benefit from.

[Anonymous]

I would go to a child psychologist , specifically one who deals with anxiety and emotional regulation issues. We started to see one when my child was four and she did play therapy with him (they worked on developing an emotional language, on flexibility, handling disappointment, and so on) and saw the parents separately. It was very helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All three of my children are deeply loving and highly emotional, but all three also have diagnosed anxiety (they are 14, 11, and 5). I can reassure that as they get older, they do figure out how to cope and manage these volatile emotions better. I can tell you a little bit about what has helped the most.

I have to tell you 5 is a rough year in all different kinds of way in terms of development, new situations and higher expectations all the way around. What has really helped my middle child in particular is being able to call on the school counselor when he needs her. We are lucky to have an extremely proactive guidance counselor at our elementary school, and if your daughter is having any emotional moments she can't control at school, the counselor is a great place to start. In elementary, this is almost all the counselors do! They work with kids about their feelings, talk them through it, and start teaching them the skills now for how to get a handle on their emotions and come down off the ledge. That can mean working with them individually or helping meditate a conflict between children who aren't sure how to manage. At our school, our counselor uses a stuffed animal (a "feelings tiger") for example that the kids can use to work through how they are feeling. Even if it's just for five minutes, my son can pop into her office, talk about it and go back to class happy and ready to get back to it.

My oldest did not finally let me seek out a psych for her until 7th grade even though she has always been high anxiety (she hides it very well by being very outgoing and having a gazillion friends and doing drama club and all other types of things). Even her teachers didn't even really figure it out, though we knew. The psych is great (if you want to try meds for example), but again, my daughter (who is now in a GT high school program) has found much better use from her school counselor. When you said your daughter said she wanted to stop crying but didn't know how, it made me think of my oldest. At 4, she cried piteously about us leaving her at a class, even though we were behind a curtain in the next room. She desperately wanted to be able to do it, but just couldn't. That was the anxiety. Now she pushes herself all the time to go beyond the boundaries her anxiety creates for her, and she is doing really, really well. But she would give anything not to have the anxiety in the first place. But having someone "on site" who can be there for her at a moment's notice is really valuable. One accommodation my oldest gets at school is a "flash pass," which means if she is getting upset or anxious, she is free to get up and leave the room no questions asked to go to her counselor.

Living it right now with my own 5 year old, and on that count, I'll just send you lots of virtual hugs! HTH

OP here. Thank you for this. It is such a helpless, confusing feeling and a lot overwhelming. It literally breaks my heart to see her get so upset but be unable to calm herself. Your words are so encouraging...Thank you!

[Anonymous]

OP again, thank you all for your suggestions

[Anonymous]

Does your child have other issues, like inflexibly, difficulty making friends, problems following multi-step directions?

My HFA child has problems regulating emotions--to a lesser extent, so does my ADHD child.

I'd get an evaluation and consider OT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your child have other issues, like inflexibly, difficulty making friends, problems following multi-step directions?

My HFA child has problems regulating emotions--to a lesser extent, so does my ADHD child.

I'd get an evaluation and consider OT.

She's really okay in all other aspects. Very social, maintains friends and able to follow directions; although she sometimes isn't the best listener. She's generally non disruptive in class. We are challenged with regulating emotions most. Any little thing, big or small can set her off into crying where she becomes unable to speak or calm herself down.

When you say "get an evaluation" what do you mean? Where do you go for that? Seems like a dumb question, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your child have other issues, like inflexibly, difficulty making friends, problems following multi-step directions?

My HFA child has problems regulating emotions--to a lesser extent, so does my ADHD child.

I'd get an evaluation and consider OT.

She's really okay in all other aspects. Very social, maintains friends and able to follow directions; although she sometimes isn't the best listener. She's generally non disruptive in class. We are challenged with regulating emotions most. Any little thing, big or small can set her off into crying where she becomes unable to speak or calm herself down.

When you say "get an evaluation" what do you mean? Where do you go for that? Seems like a dumb question, sorry.

OP, not to be harsh, but this would indeed be very, very disruptive in class, and is going to cause major problems soon at school. It is obviously outside the range of normal crying/tantruming/resisting/avoiding, because it is indeed all of those things. It sounds like anxiety and you need to see a psychiatrist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your child have other issues, like inflexibly, difficulty making friends, problems following multi-step directions?

My HFA child has problems regulating emotions--to a lesser extent, so does my ADHD child.

I'd get an evaluation and consider OT.

She's really okay in all other aspects. Very social, maintains friends and able to follow directions; although she sometimes isn't the best listener. She's generally non disruptive in class. We are challenged with regulating emotions most. Any little thing, big or small can set her off into crying where she becomes unable to speak or calm herself down.

When you say "get an evaluation" what do you mean? Where do you go for that? Seems like a dumb question, sorry.

OP, not to be harsh, but this would indeed be very, very disruptive in class, and is going to cause major problems soon at school. It is obviously outside the range of normal crying/tantruming/resisting/avoiding, because it is indeed all of those things. It sounds like anxiety and you need to see a psychiatrist.

I doubt it. If she's not disruptive in class, this is a parenting problem.

OP, stop asking "why" and for a 5 year old to explain her behavior.

Read the Explosive Chid. Learn the technique of "planned ignoring." You're prolonging the behavior. I don't think your kid needs an evaluation. There's nothing wrong with being emotional as is there's nothing wrong with being stoic. You are who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm at a loss on where to start here. Our DD is 5 and has always been an emotional child. While generally happy, full of energy and very affectionate, she can easily be upset and it turns into hours of crying...at home and school. At first as a baby, toddler we thought it was development or a behavior issue. As she's grown, it's not something she's grown out of. Conventional cause/consequence discipline doesn't work on her. She will cry herself sick, literally. The only thing that calms her down is a very long hug, where I hold her and speak softly in her ear. These out bursts can come on for any reason big or small...asking her to take something upstairs, or no you cannot have a rice crispy treat before bed.

Admittedly, before we realized this was a potential issue, it could be battle royale in our house...and test of wills child vs. parent. We'd ask her why she wasn't listening or refused to do what we asked. We tried reason where we explain consequence, we've tried quiet time to read or be alone to calm down. Nothing really works.

At this point, I don't think its something she's going to grow out of and we need to give her the tools and support to work through this. Additionally it impacts her at school...just yesterday she was asked to go to the back of the line while she put her coat on to go outside. She started crying for so long and hard, she missed the entire 30 minute recess. When I asked her if she was able to stop crying she said she wanted to but didn't know how.

At this point I'm looking for help, insight, recommendations and similar experiences and what you did. I read about psychologists, occupational therapists, neuropsych, developmental peds....I just don't know where to start. We live in MD, but I'm willing to go to DC or VA for the right support.

Thanks for your help!

but it does impact school - and I am sure the teachers think it is indeed disruptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your child have other issues, like inflexibly, difficulty making friends, problems following multi-step directions?

My HFA child has problems regulating emotions--to a lesser extent, so does my ADHD child.

I'd get an evaluation and consider OT.

She's really okay in all other aspects. Very social, maintains friends and able to follow directions; although she sometimes isn't the best listener. She's generally non disruptive in class. We are challenged with regulating emotions most. Any little thing, big or small can set her off into crying where she becomes unable to speak or calm herself down.

When you say "get an evaluation" what do you mean? Where do you go for that? Seems like a dumb question, sorry.

My kids with ASD and ADHD were first evaluated at Childrens Development Clinic, then by a developmental pediatrician, then by a neuropsychologist (that's over 5 years).

I disagree with the poster diagnosing anxiety--my kids both have emotional regulation issues; neither have shown any signs thus far of anxiety.

Could be anxiety; could be something else; or a combo.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess I should explain when I say not disruptive in class. When she has these ourbursts they are equipped to deal with it by removing her or taking her to a quiet space to calm down. I fully understand this could become disruptive as she gets older and her teachers don't have this flexibility.

Regarding it being a parenting problem, I'm definitely not saying this is all on DD. I'm open to examine all sides. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with her. But I do want to help her better regulate her emotions so that it doesn't grow to impact her daily quality of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your child have other issues, like inflexibly, difficulty making friends, problems following multi-step directions?

My HFA child has problems regulating emotions--to a lesser extent, so does my ADHD child.

I'd get an evaluation and consider OT.

She's really okay in all other aspects. Very social, maintains friends and able to follow directions; although she sometimes isn't the best listener. She's generally non disruptive in class. We are challenged with regulating emotions most. Any little thing, big or small can set her off into crying where she becomes unable to speak or calm herself down.

When you say "get an evaluation" what do you mean? Where do you go for that? Seems like a dumb question, sorry.

Children's Hospital.

Here's the department you want. https://childrensnational.org/departments/psychology